


Electronic Feelings

by orphan_account



Category: DRAMAtical Murder
Genre: Alternate Universe, Domestic, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 21:15:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 58,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1914102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Noiz and Aoba are set on fixing a robot they found in the street.  After days of working, Noiz, with his superior computer skills, gets him running again with minimal glitches.  They keep their new friend with them in their apartment, not wanting to give him up to the authorities because they have both formed a large attachment to him.  They soon discover that this robot, Clear, as he introduced himself, isn't just some chunk of complex metal, and will surface old emotions in them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Broken Face

"Hey, um, wake up!" I shook the shoulder of the man laying in front of me.  He was wearing a gas mask over his face and had silvery-white hair that matched his long coat.  He was lying face down in the middle of an alleyway, and the only reason we saw him was because Noiz and I were taking a shortcut home after a Rhyme fight he dragged me into. "Are you okay?" I turned Noiz.  "He's unconscious."

"No shit.  Should I call someone?"

"Aoba." I heard Ren's voice come from my bag.  "He's not human."

"What?  How can you tell?"

"Ren's right," Noiz chimed in.  "Some of his skin is chipping off, and there's machinery under it."

"Lemme see," I muttered and moved to where Noiz was.  He pushed back the man's sleeve to show me.  The skin on his arm was peeling off in some places, revealing metal bones and wires on the inside.  "He's a robot. . ." I whispered in shock.

"He seems pretty banged up too."

"Can you fix him?"

"Why do you want to do that?"  Noiz looked up at me with a confused face.  "It's none of our concern."  

"Well, we can't just leave him here!"

He thought for a moment.  "Fine.  But we have to be discrete about it."  Noiz picked up the robot's body and started walking in the direction of our apartment, and I quickly got up and followed.

* * *

Noiz was never the type to want to help others, strangers especially.  His mentality towards the rest of the world was an apathetic one, which was a result of his childhood.  He grew up in a rich family but with little care.  His inability to feel sensation in his body caused him to play roughly with the other kids, and his parents saw him as a problem.  They locked him up in his room with only a maid to bring him food, so when he got older, he ran away to Midorijima, the island where we live now.

He felt disconnected from people because he couldn't feel what they could feel.  He pushed himself away from anyone and everyone and got addicted to Rhyme, a virtual reality fighting game, because it was the only thing remotely close to pain.  Recently, he's been able to feel sensations again, but his outlook hadn't changed much.

I had thought that by being with him, I could change his outlook on people, show him that the world could be beautiful if he would just see it.  I tried to get him to understand that not everyone has ulterior motives, and I'm still trying.

_Maybe I just need to give it time,_ I thought as I walked beside him.   _He'll grow up.  He's only nineteen, after all._

We made it back to our apartment, and Noiz placed the robot's limp body on the couch and went to go get tools.  I sat on the floor next to the couch and took the gas mask off of the robot to get a look at his face.  It was cold and lifeless, but surprisingly human.  The right side of his face was relatively undamaged, but the left side was another story.  Almost all of his skin was gone on that side, revealing a metal frame with wires and other hardware that I couldn't name.  His exposed eye was dull, but I could still make out the color of the iris, magenta.

Noiz came back with a box full of tools.  "I don't even know where to begin," he said.  He knelt down beside me and observed the left side of the robot's face.  "This can't be good."  I watched as he turned the robot's head to the side.  There was a large hole in his head, oil dripping and frayed wires sticking out.  Noiz typed something on his coil and looked back at his damaged head.  "There's a vital part in his head that was severed.  That's what caused this."

"Can you fix him?"

"I'm not sure.  Probably not."  He took off his hat and ran his fingers through his choppy blond hair.  "I mean, we could try to get replacement parts from Heibon or something, but there's a slim chance they'll have the right ones and an even slimmer one that we'll be able to fix him."

"Oh. . ." I slumped over, and Noiz pulled me over to rest on his shoulder.

"Sorry, Aoba," he whispered.  "We can try though."

"Okay. I can ask Haga-san if he has anything," I said, somewhat dejected.  "It's getting late.  I'm going to bed."

"I'll be there in a bit." 

I changed into a t-shirt and boxers and crawled into bed.  I couldn't help but wonder about that robot we found.  For starters, what could have happened to him?  He looked terrible.  Why was he just abandoned there?  Even though he was a robot, it made me sad to see him like that.  It reminded me of when I first found Ren.

I heard the door open and rolled over to see Noiz shuffling in.  He took off his shirt and pants and flopped on the bed beside me.  "Love you, Aoba," he said.

"Love you too, Noiz."

I shifted closer to him so I could feel his warmth.  "Noiz," I said.  "What do we do if we can't fix him?"

"I don't know.  We'll deal with that if it happens."

That didn't exactly settle my worries, but I managed to fall asleep anyway.

* * *

 The next morning I got up and ready for work.  Noiz had already left by the time I was out of bed, so I got ready in silence.  I saw the broken robot on the couch on my way out and stopped for a moment.  "Ren, do you think he'll be okay?"

"I don't know."

"He reminds me of you.  That's why I care so much." I picked Ren up and put him in my bag.  

At Heibon, Haga-san greeted me with a smile.  "Hey, um, I'm looking for a couple replacement parts for something.  I have a list-" I searched for the list that Noiz had sent me.  "It's pretty important."  I showed him the list.

"Okay.  But can you do me a favor and finish setting up while I look?"

"Sure."  I hoped and prayed he had the right parts.  I started to set up the rest of the shop and took my spot behind the register.

Haga-san came out.  "We don't carry any of these anymore.  They're for some pretty old models.  Can I ask why you need them?"

I didn't know how legal it was to just take a robot off the street and fix it up.  "Uh. . .  Noiz was just wanting to fix, um, an old allmate.  I don't know.  He just asked me to see if we carry any of these."

"Oh, I see." Haga-san went into the back to do something, and I waited around until opening time.

It was a relatively slow day, and I found my mind wandering several times.  I left after my shift was over and headed back to my apartment.  It got kind of lonely in the apartment at times without Noiz because he got off of work at a later time than me.  Even though I had Ren, who I love dearly, I still missed him.  I sat in a chair and decided to call Granny to see how she was doing.

"Aoba!" she answered.  "How's everything?  Is that Noiz kid treating you right?"

"Yeah, Granny, everything's great."

"That wasn't very convincing," she said.  "What's wrong?"

"I'm fine, it's just-" I considered whether or not I should tell her what was actually going on.  "Noiz and I found this broken robot in the street, and we took him in.  Noiz can't fix him though because we can't get the right parts, and even with those the chance of getting him working again are really small."

"That's like when you found Ren.  I actually remember that really well.  You saw him on the side of the street, just a heap of metal and fur, and you took him in and fixed him."

"Yeah. . ."

She was silent for a moment.  "I have a friend who used to be a researcher," she eventually said, "and maybe he could get his hands on some of them for you."

"Really?" My eyes widened.

"Yeah.  Can you send me the list?  I'll see if I can contact him."

"Of course!  Thanks a lot!"

"Okay.  Bye, Aoba.  Love you."

"Love you Granny."  I hung up on my coil and immediately sent her the list.

I glanced over to the couch where the robot was still lying and decided it was a good idea to send a message to Noiz about what Granny said.

* * *

 Noiz got back later in the evening and found me asleep on the chair.  He shook my shoulder.  "Babe."

I groaned and swatted his hand away.

"Aobaaaaaaaa," he dragged my name out in a teasing voice.

"No, I'm tired."

"Fine then I'll just sit on you."  He turned on the TV and sat on my lap.

"N-Noiz!  Get off! You're heavy!"  This kind of behavior was actually pretty normal for him at this time of day.

"But you're comfy."  He curled into my chest.  "Oh, yeah, and I got your message.  Did she say when we'd be able to get them?"

"What?  The parts?"

"No, the bunnies," he scoffed.  "Of course the parts!"

"No. I'm assuming she'll call me when she has them and have me pick them up."

And that's exactly what she did.  The next day we both had time off from work, since it was a Sunday.  Noiz wanted to go with me because he "had nothing better to do," but I think he genuinely wanted to go with me because he had dropped what he was doing when I said I was leaving.  I didn't like leaving him alone because I knew it reminded him of his past, and sometimes, especially if he was in a bad mood, he would do reckless things.

_The things he would do to himself scared me to no end._

We walked to Granny's house, but Noiz seemed somewhat distant.  I held his hand to bring him back down to real life, and he squeezed it back.  "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah.  Just tired.  I didn't get much sleep last night."

We were greeted by a sealed box and a note that read:

> _'Aoba,_
> 
> _I'm out right now, so I've included all the parts on the list that I could get in the box."_
> 
> _-Granny"_

I turned the paper over and scribbled a thank you, and we headed back home with the box.  As soon as we got home, Noiz began work on the robot.  He looked completely focused as I watched him work.  He had several windows open on his coil and another computer by his side.  I watched him carefully take things out and replace them and put them back in and swear and throw things across the room and violently type.  I watched his eyes dart around and his hands move with minds of their own for hours.  I didn't know what else to do.  I wondered why he was getting so worked up over this when just a few days ago he was completely jaded.

"Noiz, it's been a while.  Do you want something to eat?" I finally asked.

"Uh, yeah, sure."  I seemed to have taken him out of a trance.  "Anything's good."

He slumped back in his position on the floor and sighed.  I heated up some microwave pizza for him and brought it over.  "Hey."  I sat down on the floor next to him.  "Take a break, okay?  You look pretty tired, and I don't want you to overwork yourself."

He nodded, and I kissed him and handed him his pizza.  While he was devouring his pizza, I put away his tools and cleaned up the things he had thrown.  "Let's go to bed, Noiz," I said after he had finished eating.  I took his hand and pulled him with me into the bedroom and settled down with him in my arms.

* * *

I woke up later that night to hear something hard hitting the wall and followed by swearing and rolled over to see if Noiz was still in the bed.

He wasn't. 

 

    


	2. Magenta eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is not such an easlily renewable thing.

I felt my pulse quicken.  I slipped out of bed and as silently as I could, tiptoed out the door and into the hallway.  Another loud bang.  A yell.  "Fuck!"

_What is he-?_ I inched forward to the end of the hallway so I could see what was happening in the living room.

Noiz was sitting on the floor with his head buried in his arms on the robot's chest.  His breathing was heavy, and his chest heaved along with it.  "Why can't I fix this goddamn robot!?"  He punched the side table, knocking it over.  

I decided that this was the point where I should intervene.  "Noiz, stop!"  I stepped toward him.  "You're gonna hurt yourself!"

"I don't care, Aoba!"

_Oh God._

"I care!  Noiz, seriously.  You need to stop working on him for a while." 

His hands were clenched into tight fists and he was shaking.  I knelt down next to him.  "What's wrong, Noiz?  No lies this time."

All he did in reply was lean into me, so I wrapped my arms around him accordingly.  "Lemme see your hand."  

He held up the hand that he punched the table with.  There wasn't any blood, just redness in his knuckles. 

His breath was still ragged

"Why are you getting so worked over this robot?"

After a pause, he said, "I don't know.  Maybe I just don't think it's fair or something.  For him to be abandoned like that.  I don't know."

"Let's go back to bed, Noiz."  I patted his back and helped him up.  His body was weak, so I supported him by his waist.  "How long have you been up, anyway?"

"Like, four or five hours, maybe.  I got up when you fell asleep."

"Is that what you did last night?"

He nodded.  

"You know, I'm getting kind of worried about you," I muttered as we climbed into bed.

"I know."

"You really shouldn't go to work tomorrow."  I pulled the covers over us and pulled him closer.  "Hug me."

He wrapped his arms around my waist while I wrapped mine around his shoulders.  "Can't escape now!" I joked dryly.

He didn't laugh.  Instead, he hugged me harder.  "I can't just not go to work."

"Just call in sick or something, okay?  I'll call Haga-san and tell him that I've gotta take care of you, so you won't be alone.  Don't worry."

I stroked his back in an attempt to calm him down but kept myself awake so I could make sure he got some sleep.  Eventually, he did, and I watched his peaceful face and felt his chest expanding and shrinking with every breath he took.  He felt warm, and I could hear his heartbeat when I pressed my ear to his chest, and for whatever reason that made me feel less anxious.  When the morning came, I called Haga-san and told him that Noiz was sick and I needed to stay home for the day.  I also took the liberty of calling Noiz's boss from his coil and telling him the same.  I made sure that when he woke up I was there to kiss him and tell him good morning and give him breakfast.  I made sure that I didn't leave him alone for too long.  I made sure that if he needed me, I was there.  This wasn't going to be like last time, if I could help it.

I let Noiz work on his obsession on the condition that I was in the room and that he would have to stop if things got too heated.  I did other things while he worked, but still kept an eye on him.  

We took a few days off of work, but the time came when we had to go back.  Of course I was worried while I was at Heibon, but I couldn't really do much about it.  When he got home everyday, tired and slightly wobbly, he took off his work clothes and began to work on the robot.  I watched him and made him dinner and made sure he wasn't going to crack again.  This went on for weeks, and I was starting to get worried about him again.  He hadn't harassed me about Rhyme or sex, which was pretty strange because he fixated on those two things a lot.

"Aoba," he said one night.  This was unusual for him because he normally was quiet when concentrating.  "Aoba, come here.  Hurry."

I rushed over to him, and my eyes widened at the sight in front of me.  "No way. . ."

The robot that had previously been rotting away on our couch was now repairing himself.  The missing skin on his arms and face started to regenerate, and his eyes lit up in a bright magenta color.  His face began to look more and more human as the machinery moved and created more skin and tissue.  He was coming back to "life."

"Oh my God, Noiz!  You did it!" I kissed him and hugged him and saw that he was smiling which made me smile wider.

The robot's hands began to twitch, and he blinked several times before sitting up and looking around.

"Can he talk?" I asked

"Of course he can fucking talk!  You think they would create a robot to look exactly like a human only to have it  _not_ speak?"

"Hey!  Can you understand us?"

The robot's now bright eyes flickered with a few loose pixels, and he spoke with a somewhat shaky, but still sweet sounding voice.  "Master?"

"Uh. . .  No.  This is Noiz, and I'm Aoba." 

"He can call me master," Noiz snickered.

I jabbed him in the ribs with my elbow, and he stifled a laugh.  Even though he was being kind of a jackass, it make me happy to see him back to his old self.

"Do you, um, have a name?" I asked.

"I'm Clear~! Grandpa gave me that name.  Where am I?  This is a really nice place."

"You're at our apartment.  You were left broken on the street and Noiz fixed you."

"Really~?  Thank you so much, Noiz-san!  I don't think I was ready to die yet.  There's still lots to see and feel."  He paused for a moment, looking like he forgot something.  then he rushed to cover his face.  "Have you seen my mask anywhere?  Grandpa says I need to wear it, or I'll get in trouble.  I really need it!"

Noiz looked at me with a confused look, and I suddenly remembered that I had taken it off a few weeks ago.  "Um. . .  I think I took it off of you a while ago.  I'm not sure where it is."

"You mean people have been seeing my face for that long?" He grabbed a pillow and mashed his face into it.  "Oh no!  Are you sure you don't know where it is?"

"We could look for it if you really need it, I guess."

Noiz looked like he was watching a shitty comedy movie, the way he was looking at Clear and I.

I gave him a look, and we searched through the dump that was our apartment.  I finally found it, and brought it over to Clear, who was lying face down on the couch.  "Clear, I found it."  I held it out to him, and he sat up and snatched it from my hand.

"That's better!" he said as soon as he put it on.  He adjusted his scarf and coat and sat at the edge of the couch with his gloved hands on his knees.

"Do you have a home?" Noiz asked.  "Or somewhere to go?"

Clear was quiet.  "I don't know," he said after a while.  There was a tinge of sadness in his voice, and he slouched with his hands close to his chest.  "Grandpa died a little while ago.  I didn't know what to do, so I ran away.  I don't really remember the rest.  I think I did something stupid that ended up hurting me."

I moved from the floor to on the couch where Clear was sitting and motioned for Noiz to join.  Clear's shoulders shook a little bit, and I heard sniffling noises coming from under his mask.  "Are you crying?"

"No, I'm okay."  I could tell that he was trying to hold it back.  He sniffled again.  "I miss grandpaaaaa!"

I wondered how it was possible for a robot to be such an emotional roller coaster and put my arm around his shoulders.  Noiz patted his back awkwardly.  "It's gonna be okay.  I promise," he consoled.  I watched as Noiz snaked his arms around Clear's waist and embraced him tightly.  

_This is really weird for him, especially towards a stranger_ , I thought.  That was when I realized that Clear wasn't a stranger to him.  Noiz had spent countless hours trying to get him to work just to see him cry when he woke up.  Of course he cared about him. 

Clear's sobs eventually grew lighter and eventually faded.  "Um, we're going to go to bed soon.  Do you sleep?" I asked.

"Sort of, I guess.  If I stay still for long enough I go into sleep mode."

"Well, you're welcome to sleep here if you want."

"Okay.  That's very nice of you."

Noiz and I got up and got in bed.  "I knew you could fix him," I whispered.

"He seems sad, though."

"You heard him.  He said he wasn't ready to die.  You gave him a second chance."

I hugged him from behind.  "Noiz, you're a good person.  I know you don't get it, but you are."

He shrugged.  "Not really, though."

"Told ya you don't get it.  Get some sleep now."

A few minutes later there was a knock at the bedroom door.  "Yeah?" I sat up.

"It's really dark out there and I'm lonely," Clear's voice came from the other side.  "Can I sleep in here?"

"Uh. . .  I guess so."

He opened the door and timidly stepped inside.  "Can you change clothes, though?  The ones you're wearing are really dirty.  You can wear some of our stuff, I guess."

"Okay.  Thank you very much."  He opened the top drawer in the dresser.  "Wow, Aoba-san!  These are very pretty!  Are they yours?  Can I wear them?"

"What are you talking abou-"  I was cut of when Clear held up some of the lingerie that Noiz got jokingly for my birthday.  "Put those back!"  I felt my face heat up as Noiz started cracking up.

"No, no, Clear, you should totally wear that!  Ow!"  I jabbed Noiz in the ribs.

"Noiz, you are such a piece of shit!" My embarrassment was overflowing.  "Clear, those are not for sleeping.  Put them back.  There's some actual pajamas in the drawer under that one."  I flopped on my back and covered my face with my hands.

"I'm sorry!  I didn't mean to make you mad!" Clear opened the other drawer and took the clothes to change in the bathroom.

"It's okay I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at Noiz."  I jabbed his ribs again, and this time he stopped laughing.

When he got back, I scooted closer to Noiz and let him in the bed next to me.  It felt warm, being sandwiched between the two of them.

And I think I liked it.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clear is such a sweetheart I love him so much ahhhhh ;A;


	3. Hidden Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard to read someone with a mask.

"Noiz." I shook my boyfriend's shoulder. "Hey, Noiz."

He groaned and buried himself in the covers.

"Noiz, where's Clear?"

"I dunno," he muttered into the pillow.

"Well, it's time to get up, anyway." I picked him up. "Jeez, you're heavy. Let's go."

He kissed and nibbled at my neck as we made our way towards the kitchen. I stopped dead in my tracks and almost dropped him when I saw what was in front of me. Clear was standing there cooking, except he was butt naked with a pink frilly apron on.

"Pfffffttt," Noiz snorted. "Clear, you never cease to amaze me."

I was still trying to get a handle on what was happening here. "What the hell are you doing?! Put some damn clothes on!"

"What do you mean, Aoba-san~? I'm making breakfast of course!"

I couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. "You can't just walk around people's houses like that! What the hell were you thinking?!"

"Oh, come on, Aoba. There's a hot naked guy making breakfast for us. This is great!"

"Shut up, Noiz." His suggestive smirk was annoying me, so I dropped him.

"Ow!"

"I'm sorry, Aoba-san! I honestly thought you would like it!"

"Don't worry, Clear.  I love it," Noiz said.

"It's fine, just go put on some clothes." I covered up my red face and massaged my temples.

Clear nodded and turned off the stove. He padded on bare feet to our room and put on his dirty clothes from yesterday. "I made breakfast!" he said when he came back.

Noiz and I sat at the table where he had laid out pancakes with hash browns and bacon. He used our nice dishes that we never even touch, and he even took the effort to make the pancakes into different shapes. The sight of it made my mouth water and my stomach growl. "Wow, this is amazing. . . Where'd you learn to cook like this?"

"Grandpa taught me. I was created so that I could learn quickly, so it only took me a little while." Clear sat down in a chair and looked at us expectantly. (Or what I perceived as expectantly; it's hard to read a person when they have a gas mask on.)

I started eating. "This is really good!"

"Yeah, it is," Noiz chimed in after his first bite.

"Thank you! I really hoped you would like it. It's the least I could do since you let me stay here."

Even though he didn't know how to properly function in society, Clear really was sweet. He was pure, and you could tell he didn't have any ulterior motives. He just liked making people happy; I could tell from the way he talked and acted.

"Aren't you going to eat?" I asked.

"I'm a robot," He said. "I don't have to."

We finished eating, and Noiz and I got ready for work. As we were about to walk out the door, Clear spoke up. "Wait, where are you going?"

"We gotta work," Noiz answered.

I wondered if it was a good idea to leave Clear at the apartment by himself. _Probably not_ , I thought. _Haga-san won't mind_.

"Clear, you're coming with me. I don't want you here by yourself."

"Ooh! Where are we going, Aoba-san?"

"It's nowhere particularly fun, if that's what you're thinking. It's just some junk shop."

"That sounds fun to me!" Clear followed us out of the apartment and outside of the building where Noiz and I went our separate ways. I motioned for Clear to come with me, and he trotted alongside me.

"You're not going to strip in the middle of the street, are you?" I said half jokingly.

"No. I don't really like my body, anyway." He watched his feet as he walked.

"Why's that?"

"Grandpa told me that I'm different; that I'm not human so I can't be like other people."

"Is that why you wear so much clothing? And the gas mask?" I wondered how much temperature affects him. He was wearing a coat and a scarf with gloves and boots in the middle of summer.

"Yeah, I guess. I don't want people to look at me and think I'm ugly."

"You're not ugly."

"But-"

"I don't care what your Grandpa told you. Noiz and I have both seen your face. And Noiz called you hot this morning, remember?"

"I don't get it. Isn't 'hot' used to describe temperature?"

I chuckled. "It means he thinks you're attractive."

"Ohhhh, that makes more sense now. I've heard people say that before, and I didn't get it."

We soon arrived at Heibon, and I told Haga-san that I needed to bring Clear because I didn't want to leave him at home.

"I didn't know you lived with someone else! I thought it was just you and Noiz."

"Y-yeah. . ."

I promised that he wouldn't be any trouble and that I'd watch him, and Haga-san let him stay.

Clear wandered around the store while I worked. He picked up things and played with them and asked me what they were. It was nice to have someone there with me because Haga-san was either out or in the office most of the time. And it brought me back to my childhood to see him get so excited over these little things that I wouldn't look twice at. Clear even kept the brats entertained when they came in to bother me. He seemed to enjoy it too.

He came with me to work every day after that. It was nice. Sometimes if it was a slow day we would make video calls to Noiz, who seemed to really appreciate it. I knew his work days were hard on him, so I made sure that Clear and I called him at least once every day. Clear would enthusiastically tell him about the things he discovered that day, and I could tell Noiz saw the same thing in him as I did.

"Aoba-san! Look at this!" Clear held up a transparent umbrella and opened it up. I was working late that night, so there weren't any customers. "I can see through it!"

"You could say that it's _clear_ ," Noiz's voice came from my coil.

"Terrible," I remarked. "One of the worst puns I've ever heard."

"Can I have it~?"

"Uh, do you have any money?"

"No."

"I'll buy it for you then." I motioned for Clear to give it to me so I could see the price. I took the money out of my pocket and stuffed it in the register. "There you go."

Clear hugged the umbrella and jumped up and down. "Thank you Aoba-san!" I watched as he pranced around the shop with it and laughed.

"What?" Noiz said.

I switched the camera and held up my coil so he could see Clear hopping around. "Cute," he mused. "Hey, when's your shift over?"

"I dunno. Like ten minutes?"

"Cool. I'll start dinner."

"You mean the micro-meals?" I smirked.

"No! I wanna cook!" Clear yelled from across the room.

"Alright, that's probably for the better. Bye Aobabe, bye Clear."

"Stop calling me that!"

"Bye-bye, Noiz-san!"

He hung up.

"Aobabe?" Clear was now standing on the other side of the check-out desk. "Can I call you that?"

"NO!"

* * *

 

When we left the shop, Clear opened up his umbrella again. "It's not raining, you know."

"I know. It's just in case the stars fall. I've been looking for an umbrella for a while, but I never had the money and couldn't find the right one."

_The stars. . .?_

"So you're worried more about the stars falling on you than a storm?"

"Yeah!" He stuck his free hand in his coat pocket. "I actually like it when it rains. I like being in the rain, too."

He was an odd one. But, I still found myself drawn to him. I wanted him to stay with us.

"We're home," I said flatly as we opened the door to the apartment.

Noiz was sitting on the couch looking at something on his coil. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Oh, wait. Lemme guess. Memes."

"What are memes?" Clear questioned.

"A wonderful part of life," Noiz said. "Can you make dinner now? I'm starving."

"You couldn't just get off your lazy ass and get a bag of chips?" I said as Clear headed towards the kitchen.

"No." Noiz pulled me into his lap. "Work was hard today."

I reached for the remote and turned on the TV. I flipped to an old movie channel and settled into Noiz's lap. Clear came over with our dinner a while later. He put the plates on the coffee table and sat on the couch with us.

"Pizza!" Noiz lost his composure for a second and pounced for his meal, knocking me off in the process.

"Hey!" i rubbed the spot on my arm where it his the table. Clear giggled. "He's only like that for pizza and memes." I stood up and sat next to Noiz this time to avoid any more injuries.

"Mot tue," he said, mouth full. "Ah ike pafsta, too.  An unnees."

I smirked and picked up my plate.  "Alright, fine.  Pizza,memes,pasta, and bunnies."

Clear hugged his knees to his chest.

"Evweyfin okeh," Noiz still had food in his mouth.

"Mm-hm! I'm very happy right now, actually."

"How come you wear that gas mask all the time?" Noiz had swallowed his food, so he was actually understandable now.

"I don't like my face. It's weird."

"It's not weird. I've already seen it, and so has Aoba. I can guarantee you that it's not."

"Yeah, Clear, I told you this a few weeks ago. I swear you're not any different than us."

Clear stayed silent and Noiz put his hand on his shoulder. "Hey," he said, "You're scared of people seeing you and thinking you're ugly, but that happens to everyone. People think I'm ugly, and people think Aoba's ugly, but that's okay because I think he's beautiful, and I think you're beautiful too."

Noiz had never called me beautiful before. Yeah, he'd call me a hot or sexy sometimes but that wasn't the same. He wasn't really the type of person to gush about beauty or love or anything; he was more like the type of person to slap my ass when I walk by. So it really caught me off guard to hear him say that. I smiled to myself.

"Can you take it off?" Noiz asked softly.

"I-I don't really think I'm ready to y-yet. . ."

Noiz leaned back and sighed. 

That night, Noiz laid in between Clear and I.  We learned very quickly that Clear got lonely easily and that he was scared of breaking down again in his sleep.  So we let him sleep with us.  It wasn't a problem; he was a peaceful sleeper and generally curled up in a ball, which was adorable.

"Did you really mean what you said earlier?" I asked Noiz, lying on my side.

"What?"

"That I'm beautiful?"

"Of course."  He touched my cheek with soft fingers.

I couldn't hold back the smile that formed on my lips.  "I think you are too."

He leaned over and kissed me, and I kissed him back, pulling away after a few seconds when he tried to stick his tongue in.  "That's as far as we're going.  Clear's here, remember?"

"You're no fun."  He propped his back up on the headboard.  "We haven't had sex in weeks."

"What?  Do you _want_ him to watch?"

"I don't care."

"No way," I answered his oncoming question.

We went silent.  Clear was still fast asleep, curled around a pillow.  That was another thing we learned about Clear's sleeping habits: he liked to latch onto things in his sleep.  Noiz reached over to touch Clear's mask.  He immediately woke up.  "Pleas don't take off my mask, Noiz-san!"

He withdrew his hand.  "It's okay to take it off.  It's just us; no one else will see," he whispered.

Clear sat up and hugged the pillow to his chest.  "I know.  It's just. . .  I don't like it.  It makes me look inhuman."

I sat with my legs crossed and put my hand on Clear's knee.  "Maybe you'll change your mind."

 "You can do it," Noiz breathed.

Clear hesitantly brought his hand to his head to undo the straps and let the mask fall to his lap.  He looked down at it, and it seemed like he was crying.  Noiz tilted his tear stained face up with his index finger.  Clear's eyes were a bright shade of magenta and seemed to give off a light of their own.  There were two moles just under the right corner of his mouth, but other than that, there weren't any other blemishes on his face.  His messy bangs covered his forehead, and his silver hair framed his face perfectly.  Noiz was right.  He really was beautiful.

"See," Noiz smiled, "nothing to worry about."

"You're beautiful," I said.

"Do you really mean it?"

"Of course we do!"  I assured.

He leaned over and did something I didn't expect.  He kissed me.  And then he kissed Noiz.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and tHE NOICLEAO BEGINS
> 
>  
> 
> (. . . I should shut up now)


	4. Heartbeats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One is a lifeline, and one is a technicality.
> 
> Both tell me that they are alive.

Clear's lips were soft, and he put his hand on my face before pulling away with a smile.  "Thank you, Aoba-san," he breathed.  He did the same to Noiz.  "Thank you, Noiz-san."

We were both speechless as he placed the gas mask on the floor and asked if he could be in the middle.

"Uh, yeah, sure," I said.

Clear squeezed between Noiz and I, and we laid down on either side of him.  I awkwardly embraced him and let him curl into me while Noiz wrapped his arms around his waist.  I didn't really know what I was supposed to do, and I don't think Noiz did either.  But Clear seemed content, and he wasn't wearing his gas mask anymore.  I felt his nose and lips and cheek against my neck instead of cold metal for once.  I saw that Noiz was pressing his face into Clear's back, looking relieved.  I reached over Clear and stroked his hair a bit.  

I liked falling asleep like that.  It was warm, and I could feel Clear's heartbeat.  That's when I remembered that it wasn't what kept him alive like it was for the rest of us.  His heartbeat was just a technicality in his design.  It was only there so he could seem human.  The same went for his breathing.  The thing that kept him alive was in his head; it was the thing that Noiz spent hours upon hours trying to fix.  This is what he meant when he would say, "I'm not human."  He would spit it out like it was something about himself that he wanted to discard.  He wasn't saying it to point it out to other people or to explain why he didn't need to eat or sleep.  He said it to remind himself that he wasn't like us and never will be.  And that was what isolated him in the first place, why no one took the time to get to know him save for the man he called his grandpa.  

He was like Noiz, in a way, and maybe that was why he formed an attachment to Clear so quickly.

* * *

When Noiz and I woke up, Clear was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, except this time, he wasn't wearing his mask.  We both had off work that day, so we got up late.  We ate breakfast while watching cartoons on the couch, and Clear played with Ren and obsessed over his soft fur.  All three of us were in pajamas, and Clear was wearing a pair of my boxers and one of Noiz's t-shirts.  "We've gotta get you some more clothes, Clear," I said.

"Why don't we go get him some today?"

"Shopping? That sounds fun!" Clear's eyes lit up (literally).

"Well if we're gonna go we should probably go now." I stood up and placed my plate on the coffee table. "Everyone go get ready."

Clear wore his normal outfit, and Noiz wore a t-shirt with the name of his Rhyme team, 'Ruff Rabbit,' on it.

When we got there, Clear skipped around the store finding things he liked while Noiz and I stood back and followed.  Clear brought us a few outfits for approval.  "I really like these!"  He held up a few dresses and shirts, as well as some shorts and pants.

"You've gotta try them all on first," Noiz said, leaning against a clothing rack.

We led him to the changing rooms, and he came out to show us every outfit he tried on.  My head started to hurt about halfway through Clear's fashion show.  

Noiz looked concerned.  "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just have a headache."

I went on and tried to ignore it, but my head kept pounding.

"Ah-!"  I fell to my knees.  People in the store were looking at us now.

"Aoba-san?"

"Aoba!" 

 _It's been a while,_ I heard a familiar voice in my head,  _Aoba._

"No!"

I fell over on the floor and clamped my hands over my ears and squeezed my eyes shut.  "Go away!  Go away!  GO AWAY!"

"Aoba!  Snap out of it!"  Noiz's voice was a distant echo.

"Noiz-san!  What do we-"  Their voices faded out of my head and all I could hear was myself.

 _I'm taking over now,_ he said.

"NO!  You'll hurt them!"

_Tch.  That's the idea, fuckwit._

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN!"

_What are you talking about?  I am you._

_"_ STOP!"

Everything went black.

* * *

 

When I woke up, I was alone and wet, lying on the ground.  There were buildings stretching up above me, and where they ended there was a cloudy sky.  It was raining.  I didn't know what time it was or how much time had past or where Clear and Noiz were or what I had done to them.  I lifted up my arm and stared at my shaking hand.  "I did it again."  My voice was hoarse and croaky.

I noticed that there were new messages on my coil.  They were all from Clear.  I pressed play.

His voice sounded distressed.  "Aoba-san, I don't know what happened.  Someone took over your body and did something to Noiz's mind, but I don't know what.  He started crying really hard and ran away and now I can't find him.  I think whoever was controlling you tried to get into my head but couldn't.  I don't know where you are either.  You just kind of took off after that.  If you get this, please respond.  I don't know where you are and I'm kind of scared."

I clicked to the next message.  It sounded like Clear was crying in this one.  "Aoba-san, please come home!  I found Noiz-san, but he's shaking, and he can't talk, and I'm trying to calm him down, but he won't stop crying."  His voice seemed to glitch and made a static sound.  "I managed to get him back home and dried off, but I'm scared, Aoba-san!  Please come back."

The next one.  "Noiz-san won't talk to me, and I'm starting to get really worried about you.  Ren-san says he knows where you are, but I really don't want to leave Noiz-san alone after what happened.  Please be okay.  I just want both of you to be okay.  I'll sing you a song and make you cookies when you get home if you want, just please come home."

It had happened again.  I broke him _again._ It wasn't someone else who had taken over my mind like Clear said.  I am him, and he is me.  It wasn't someone else who broke him.  It was me.  

"What did you do to him this time?"  I growled.

_I gave him a series of flashbacks from the worst parts of his childhood._

"Why would you do that?  I love him!"

 _I was bored.  You've been suppressing me for months, you know._ _  
_

I wanted to punch him, but he was in my head, so I couldn't.  It made me want to rip apart my insides.

I stood up dizzily and started wandering around to see where I was.  I recognized the area, but I knew I was far away from home.  I sent Clear a message telling him that I was fine and that I was coming because I couldn't face calling him.  When I reached the apartment, Ren jumped up form his position on the couch.  "Aoba!"  

I knelt down to hug him.  "Where's Clear and Noiz?"

"They're in your room." 

I rushed into our room and saw Clear lying on the bed with Noiz in his arms, who was in his boxers.  "Noiz!"  I ran over to him and sat on the bed.  "Noiz, I'm so sorry!  I swear that wasn't me!  I would never do that to you!"  I leaned over and hugged his limp body as tight as I could.  His arms weakly rested on my back.  I buried my face in his shoulder and started to cry.  "Noiz. . ."

Clear put his hand on my back, probably in an attempt to calm me down.  I squeezed Noiz even harder and felt his heartbeat.  My wet clothes stuck to his skin, so I took off my shirt and hugged him again and focused on his steady heartbeat to calm down my erratic sobbing.  He was here.  He was alive.  He was breathing.  The scars on his body were unopened.  I put my hands on his cheeks.  His light green eyes were bloodshot and glazed over and couldn't meet mine.  "Talk to me, Noiz.  Please talk to me, baby."

His mouth remained closed.  "Say something!"  My voice cracked.  

I felt the bed shift as Clear moved to hug Noiz from behind.  "Noiz-san, it's okay now.  Aoba-san is back.  Whoever was controlling him is gone."

I knew that that wasn't what was rendering him like this.  "Noiz, Clear and I will  _never_ leave you alone.  I don't know what he told you, but it's not true.  It doesn't matter that you were alone when you were young because you're here now, and we're here too.  You don't have to be alone anymore.  What he showed you; it's not real."

"Noiz-san, I can sing for you if you want."  Clear sniffled and I heard the same static-like noise that I had heard in his message.  "Noiz-san, I'll do anything for you, just please talk to us."  His voice was getting worse, and when he opened his eyes, I could see them pixelating as tears built up.  

"This is like last time.  They said he was like this at the hospital for a few days."  I wiped the tears off of my cheeks.  "We just have to wait.  Although, someone needs to be with him all the time because I don't want him to hurt himself."

"Hospital?  Do we need to take him there?"

"He was there because he needed medical attention last time; he needed a ton of stitches.  And then they kept him in the psych ward for a while.  I wasn't allowed to see him until he got out.  I don't know what we're supposed to do."

"You stay here, and I'll go make him pizza.  That's his favorite, right?"

"Yeah."  I looked at Noiz in my arms and realized the only reason he wasn't bleeding was because of Clear.  "Clear, thank you for keeping him safe."

"You don't need to thank me.  I care about him, too, you know."  He left the room.  

I laid Noiz down on the bed and changed into dry clothes.  I climbed in bed and pulled the covers over us.  I caused this, but I didn't know how to fix it, so all I could do was hold onto Noiz and run my fingers through his still damp hair.  I didn't have anyone to blame but myself.  He was the side of me that I tried to subdue with medications, the side of me that wanted to take everything I loved and squeeze it between my fingers just to see how long it would take to break.  He was the side of me that didn't feel any emotional repercussions from what he did, watching everything that unfolded in front of me like a movie.  He made me want to tear myself open, but then again, he probably wanted that too.  He wanted to take everything.

He is my desire.   _I am my desire._      

 

 

  

 

 

 

   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do u ever just try to write angst and then cry about it
> 
> bc thats whats happening here


	5. I Destroy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> . . .everything I touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter. [blood, gore, knives]

He was stuck in his head. Noiz wasn't living real life. He was reliving whatever childhood horror I had implanted in his brain. That's why he wouldn't interact with us. At least, that's what I was told.

I sat naked on the floor of a dark room that seemed to stretch on forever.  The floor was black and so shiny that I could see my reflection in it.  He was sitting in front of me. He looked exactly like me, and I thought I was sitting in front of a mirror, but when I reached out I felt skin instead of glass. He sneered, and I noticed the only difference between us. His eyes were a cold amber color. They reminded me of Clear's except they gave off an ominous glow instead of a warm one. "This is where I've been." His voice echoed. "You've kept me here for how long?"

I was quiet.

"Twenty three years, Aoba. Since we were born," he yelled, voice rising. "I've been stuck in here for twenty three years, excluding the few times I've come out for maybe ten minutes."

"I-"

"Shut up!" He stood up and yanked my hair up with him.

"Ngh-! Le-Let go!" I could feel his tight grip ripping through every strand of hair up to my scalp. I punched him in the stomach only to feel it in mine.

"Hmph," he gave an amused smile, "I feel everything you feel, and you feel everything I feel. It's no use because I like it." He let go of my hair.

"You're so fucked up!"

"Please. Like I said, I'm you." He turned his back to me and laughed. "Oh yeah. You might want this." A bloody knife clattered to the floor beside him.

"What is this?"

"It's Noiz's. So I guess that makes it yours, too, right?"

"What?"

"You know what happened. A year ago, was it?"

_No. This isn't happening again._

Noiz appeared in front of me, lying on the floor. He had cuts all over his body, the worst ones on his abdomen. I fell on my knees. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't because there was a nightmare in front of me, and you can't just wake yourself from nightmares. My voice seemed to have been stolen from me, and the only sounds I could make were choked ones as my shaking hands reached for him. I wanted to throw up.  
"Aoba. . ." He laughed, but it wasn't a joyous one. Instead it was a weak one that escaped the same sickening smile that I remembered all too well. "I can feel it now. It hurts."

"NOIZ! STOP THAT!" My voice had returned, but the shrieks that left my mouth didn't sound like me. I reached out to touch one of the wounds on his stomach only to find that it split open even more at my touch.

"Hgh-!"

I withdrew my hand in shock and started crying hysterically.  I touched his face, and when wounds opened on his cheeks, I screamed and hugged his limp body close to me. 

Noiz screamed with agony as his warm blood covered me.  I dropped him, not knowing what to do.

"STOP THIS! THIS ISN'T FAIR! HE DYING!" I curled up and clawed my hands in my hair as I watched Noiz writhe on the ground.

The other me laughed as Noiz disintegrated. "This is equal retribution.  The second you start to care about someone is the second you lose."  Clear appeared in front of me, curled up in a ball and naked.  I reached out and pulled him into my arms.  "You care about him, too, it seems."  He smirked.  "He hates himself.  I couldn't really get into his brain, but I know that much."

"Clear. . ."  His name came out of my mouth between sobs.

"Please don't look at me, Aoba-san!  I'm really ugly."

"No you're not, Clear.  No you're not.  Stop saying that," I choked.   

 "Why do you care about him so much, anyway.  He's just a stupid robot.  It's not like he's a person."

"SHUT UP!"

"He's right, Aoba-san."  Clear inched himself away from me and curled up again.  "I'm just a robot.  I won't ever be like you because every emotion that I feel is just a line of code.  It's not real.  I'm not real."  I noticed that the glitches in his voice and eyes had begun to come back.  "I don't know what this is.  I care about you and Noiz-san a lot, and it's stupid because I'm not supposed to feel these things."  Tears overflowed onto his cheeks as his skin started to peel.  "I'm sorry, Aoba-san.  I can't do this anymore.  I'm sorry I'm not good enough"  He started breaking down at a more rapid pace.

"Clear!  Don't say things like that!  It's okay to feel things!  IT'S OKAY!"  I yelled.  "I don't care if you're a robot!"  I pulled his face close to mine and whispered, "Emotions are just chemicals anyway.  If those chemicals can run through me and Noiz, then why can't they run through you?  Right?"

Clear's eyes dimmed.  "RIGHT?!  CLEAR!  SAY SOMETHING!  I CAN'T LOSE YOU TOO!"

He fell lifeless in my arms.  I bawled even harder and kept a tight grip on him, even though I knew he was gone.  His skin flaked off at my touch, and I could feel cold metal under it.

"We destroy everything we touch," his bitter tone echoed.  "Maybe if you would stop getting so attached this wouldn't happen."

* * *

 "Aoba!"  It was Ren's voice.  "Aoba!" I felt his paws on my face.

"Aoba-san, what's wrong?  Please wake up.  I'm getting worried."  Clear's voice.

I opened my eyes slowly as my vision blurred into view.  Clear was leaning over me and holding Ren over my face, who was pawing at my nose and cheeks.  "Clear, he is awake."

"Aoba-san, did you have a bad dream?"  I was back in my bedroom now, drenched in sweat and kind of nauseous.  "You were screaming and crying a lot."

 I sat up and looked around.  Noiz was lying in the bed next to me, and Clear was sitting in front of me.  Both were completely unharmed.  I flopped into Clear's arms.  "Aoba-san, we should get you in dry clothes."

"Is Noiz okay?"

"He's the same as he's been for the last few weeks.  Why?"

I didn't want to talk about it, so I curled into his chest in reply.  It was just a dream.  I was back in reality now.  It wasn't ideal, but at least no one was dying.  I looked over to Noiz and remembered what the other me said.  

_We destroy everything we touch._

"Aoba-san, I'm going to help you change, okay?  I don't want you to get sick."  He stood up, and I watched him get clean clothes from the dresser.  "I don't think you should go to work today, either."

He he helped me change, and I numbly complied, sitting on the edge of the bed.  Ren climbed in my lap and nudged my hand with his nose.  I placed it on his head.  Clear cupped my cheeks in his palms.  "It's going to be okay, Aoba-san.  You said that Noiz got better last time, right?"

I nodded and felt tears sting the corners of my eyes.  Clear leaned in and kissed me, and this time I kissed him back. "I'm scared," I choked.

"Me too." His voice glitched at the end of his sentence like it normally does when he's upset.  "Stay here.  I'll go make something for you to eat."

I wasn't that hungry, but I nodded anyways.  I wiped my face with the back of my hand and crawled next to Noiz, leaning against the headboard.  All I wanted was for him to wake up and be okay.  I looked at his pale face.  His eyes were half-lidded and hazy, and his mouth was slightly parted.

_We destroy everything we touch._

_Shut up!_

I looked at my hands.  There was no blood on them.  Nothing to indicate that I had destroyed anything.  Normal hands.  I knew that what had happened earlier was just a dream, but I couldn't bring myself to touch him.  I wanted to.  I wanted to hold him.  But I couldn't, for the fear of ripping him apart again.  The visual of his wounds tearing at my fingers wouldn't leave my head, so I settled for laying beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this was painful to write


	6. Barely Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just want him to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another trigger warning for this chapter.

It was like he was dead.  He never talked, never moved without one of us moving him ourselves.  We struggled to get him to eat and drink, and he wouldn't sleep either.  He would just stare at nothing with dull eyes.  Noiz may have had a heartbeat, but he was dead.

His state wasn't just taking a toll on him, either.  There were several days when I would flat out refuse to get out of bed to go to work and cling to Noiz's lifeless body, touching the year-old marks that were probably going to stay there forever.  Ren and Clear did their best to comfort me, Ren licking my face and trying to play with me, Clear curling up next to me and pecking me with his lips.  Too many of my nights were ridden with nightmares not much different from the one I had before.  The events differed, and I hadn't encountered the other me yet, but they always ended with me destroying someone I love.  I would wake up screaming and crying, and Clear would sing to me to calm me down.  I loved his voice.

Clear cried a lot, too.  It happened mostly when he was looking at Noiz; he would be standing beside him and I would see tears fall from his face and soon enough, his glitches would surface.  Static would spot his voice, and his eyes would pixelate as they moved.  He didn't go into hysterics like I did.  He just stood there and cried quietly.  

Eventually, Noiz came back to us.  I was lying in bed next to him when I heard his breathing grow heavy.  "Clear!"  I yelled.

He rushed to the bedside.  Noiz moved on his own for the first time in weeks and covered his eyes with shaking hands.  His shoulders shook, and uneven sobs racked his chest.  "Noiz!"  I sat him up and hugged him.  "Can you talk now?  Please talk," I whimpered.

"Noiz-san!"  Clear just stood there, not really knowing what to do with himself.

I felt Noiz slowly bring his arms around my shoulders and weakly hug me back.  I missed his embrace.  It had been weeks.  I started to cry.  

"Noiz-san. . ."  Clear wrapped his arms around Noiz's waist and pressed his face into his neck.

"I'm sorry, Noiz.  I'm so sorry.  I love you so much."  I whispered everything that he couldn't hear me say when he was unconscious.  I took his face in my hands and looked at his eyes.  They were no longer hazy, but still had a sad look to them, and tears spilled onto his cheeks.  "You're not alone anymore, okay?  I'm here and so is Clear.  We won't leave you, okay?"

His voice sounded dead when he uttered the first thing he's said in six weeks.  "Okay."  

I felt like I was melting with relief when he said that.  He was alive again.

"Noiz-san, I want to sing for you.  I sing for Aoba-san, and it helps him calm down."  Clear lowered himself down onto the bed.  "Come over here."  He gently pulled Noiz into his lap like he did when I was sad.  He started to sing, and I leaned my head on his shoulder and stroked Noiz's back.  Clear's song was beautiful and heartfelt like it always was.  For some reason, I never got tired of it.  However many times he sang me to sleep, I never got tired of that song, that voice.

* * *

Clear made bunny shaped pizzas with mac and cheese for dinner that night, along with cookies shaped like little hearts.  He tried to keep a happy attitude and kissed each of us on the cheek when he brought over the food.  Noiz stared at his plate and gripped his fork.  I stood up from my chair with a jolt when his knuckles turned white.  I had seen this before.  I placed my hand over his.  "Noiz, stop."  I took his hand and kissed his knuckles until it relaxed and the fork fell from his grip.  I laced my fingers with his now relaxed hand.  Clear looked confused but took his other hand.  "You don't need to do that anymore, okay?  Everything's okay now, remember?"

"Noiz-san. . .  We're here now.  Whatever it is, it's okay."

He still hadn't really talked much, but at least he was interacting with us.  

"Will it make you feel better to watch fun movies?" Clear asked.

Noiz nodded weakly.  Clear switched on the TV and found a channel that was playing kid's movies.  "Ooh!  I love this one!  Noiz-san, Aoba-san, I think you'll like it too!"

"Come on, Noiz."  I pulled him up and over to the couch.  Clear patted the spot between us with a smile.  

"You may have been sleeping for a long time, but I still think you're really pretty, Noiz-san," he commented randomly.

Clear's remark caught him off guard a bit, but his face softened a bit, and he settled down on the couch with us.  He rested his head on Clear's lap and stretched out over mine, and Ren hopped up and curled into a ball next to him.  I tickled the skin where his t-shirt had lifted up in an attempt to get at least a smile from him.  He tugged his shirt down and laughed.  "There it is." I reached over and ruffled his hair.

"Your laugh is really pretty, too, Noiz-san!"

Noiz seemed to like the movie we watched.  Or, at least, he didn't hate it because he watched the whole thing.  

He slept in the middle that night, and it was comforting to feel him shift around in his sleep again, to feel his feet kicking around when he moved to a different position.  It was something I usually would have found annoying, but instead it made me hug Noiz harder.  Clear had assumed his regular sleeping position, curled around the nearest person or object, which in this case was Noiz.  I had a hard time sleeping that night.  Clear must have wanted to stay awake that night too because he kept his eyes open.  They glowed in the dark like they normally did.  He could stay awake as much as he wanted; it wouldn't take a toll on his body.  Noiz, however, fell asleep pretty quickly.

"Aoba-san," he whispered after a while, "why does Noiz-san have so many scars all over his body?"  He touched the ones on his stomach.

I sighed.  This was a touchy subject, even for me.  He had the right to know, though.  Plus, it was probably better for Noiz's safety that he did.

"He had a terrible past, Clear.  He used to not be able to feel anything, and his parents locked him in his room for his entire childhood.  So he did stupid things because they didn't hurt him.  Or, at least, he knew they were supposed to hurt him and didn't understand why he couldn't feel it.  That's what he did.  He ran away from home, eventually.  That's when I met him.  I got him to stop for a little while; I showed him there were other things to feel."

I noticed that Clear had hugged Noiz closer to him in the time that I had been talking and that his eyes were glitching up again.

I kept going.  "A year ago, the same incident happened where I destroyed his mind without knowing.  I woke up in an alleyway like I did last time, really disoriented and not knowing what to do."

I explained that I had walked around aimlessly for a few hours yelling for Noiz before finding my way back home.  By then, it was dark, and my legs were like jelly.  I made my way to the apartment, giving up on pretty much everything.  I noticed that the bathroom door was shut, and light seeped out from the crack underneath it.

"I didn't really know what was happening, and my head hurt a lot, and I was dizzy.  I opened the door, not really knowing why I did.  Noiz was in there.  He was naked and lying on the floor, and he was bleeding everywhere.  I stood there for what seemed like forever but was probably just a few minutes.  I felt nauseous, and I was shaking, and I didn't know what to do.  Noiz was bleeding out on the floor in front of me, and I just stood there like an idiot.  He was dying, and it was my fault, but I didn't do anything."

_We destroy everything we touch._ The voice echoed through my head.  He was right, though.  I had destroyed Noiz.  Twice now.  I could feel my guilt on my shoulders and in my stomach and pounding through my head.

Clear saw me starting to get upset so he put his hand on my cheek.  "The worst part was that when he saw me, he laughed.  And then he said, 'It hurts, Aoba.  I feel it now.'  That was when I went hysterical and I don't remember much of it, but I managed to call an ambulance, and they took him away from me."  I was crying again.  "I didn't get to see him for a long time.  That was terrible.  I got really depressed and stopped caring about a lot of things.  Ren and Grandma did his best to cheer me up, but nothing worked.  Grandma came over every day without fail to bring me some of her homemade cooking.  She stayed and made sure I was doing okay."  

"He came back, though, right?  He was okay, right?" Clear put his hand over Noiz's heart.

"Yeah," I wiped away the tears on my face.  "It took a long time, but he came back home."

The day he came home rose conflicting feelings in me.  It was one of the happiest and one of the saddest days of my life.  He came back with bandages and stitches and a fragile stature, but I loved him more than I ever had then.  I tried not to leave him by himself, but it was impossible with our work schedules.  So I swallowed my guilt and did everything I could to make him feel loved, hoping that he wouldn't hurt himself.

"I won't let him do that ever again, I promise," Clear assured, his luminescent eyes malfunctioning as he spoke.  "I will protect you and Noiz-san with my life."

"Clear. . ."

"I promise.  You're the only ones I have." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do i do this i do not know   
> [uglY SOBBING]


	7. The Stars Are Always There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They could fall at any time, so you have to be ready.

I could tell Clear's promise was sincere when he traced Noiz's scars and laced his fingers with mine.  It was a nice notion, and it made me feel better, but would that really stop Noiz?  I guess we'd have to see because it doesn't matter how much you love a person or how hard you try to keep them safe.  Someone's free will isn't something that can be controlled.  

Clear and I made sure at least one of us was in the apartment with him at all times.  We got him up and moving and showered and dressed.  Clear introduced him to all of his favorite movies and made all of his favorite foods.  He sang us to sleep with the song he called 'The Jellyfish Song.'  I brought things home from Heibon that I thought he would like.  Slowly but surely, we got him to function again.  Soon enough, he was back to the annoying sex-obsessed little shit with a soft spot for bunnies that I knew and loved.  The day he left to go back to work, Clear and I left a note in his lunch.  Clear insisted that it be on a pink sticky note and that he got to doodle on.  I complied, and told him to write something small so I could write something too.  He wrote in curly handwriting:

>   _I hope you have a wonderful day, Noiz-san!_
> 
> _-Clear_ (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*

He doodled little hearts around his message.  "Hurry up!  He's coming!"  He passed me the pen and I scribbled:

> _We're so proud of you, Noiz.  I love you._
> 
> _-Aoba_

I stuffed the note in his lunchbox and made it look like I was busy with something else.  "Here's your lunch, Noiz-san!  You're gonna do great today!"  He leaned down and kissed him.  "Call us if you start to get sad again, okay?"

"'Kay."  Noiz hugged him.

I kissed him on his way out the door and fixed his tie.  "I swear to God, Noiz, if you can't learn to tie your tie right. . ." I grumbled.

"Oh, shut up, Aobabe."  He bit my neck.

"I told you not to call me that!  And stop biting me, that hurts!"

"Don't act like you don't like it."

"Go to work!" I grabbed his shoulders and turned him towards the door.  I was glad he was back to his dickhead self.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" I said as Clear closed the door.  "He hasn't been to work in a while."

"I think he will.  You have to have faith in him, Aoba-san."  He wrapped his arm around me, and I leaned into his shoulder.  

After a pause, I spoke.  "I've gotta leave soon, so if you're coming, go get ready."

"Okay!"  Clear pranced into the bedroom and emerged in a sundress that Noiz and I got him the other day.  It was light blue, and there was a ribbon that went around his waist.  Other than that, it was pretty plain.  "I love this dress because it makes me feel like a jellyfish!"  He turned around.  "Can you tie this?"

"Sure."  I tied the ribbon in a bow.  "Let's go."  I grabbed my bag and my jacket, and Ren followed behind me.

Clear picked up his umbrella on his way out.  "Can I carry Ren-san?"

"Go ahead."

"Yay!"  Clear scooped Ren up and walked alongside me through the hallway.  "Ren-san, you're so fluffy!"  He had to put Ren down when we got outside so he could open his umbrella.  I had learned not to protest to this even though it was a perfectly sunny day.

"Hey, Clear, didn't you say you keep your umbrella with you in case the stars fall?" I pointed out. 

"The stars are always there, Aoba-san.  They're just hiding!"  He looked at me and grinned.  "They could fall at any time, so you have to be ready.  Walk under my umbrella with me so you'll be safe."

"Okay."  I giggled a little bit and moved closer.

"Ren-san!  You too!"

"Understood."  He tried to maneuver himself through our legs as we walked but failed.  "Clear, this will not work."

"I've got you, Ren."  I leaned over to pick him up.  

"Good!  Now everyone's safe!"  Clear slung his free arm around my shoulder.  "Wait!  What about Noiz-san!  How's he going to get home?"

"I'm positive he'll be okay.  He's a tough guy."

"But he's really soft on the inside!  I don't want him to be hurt."  Clear looked genuinely worried that this would happen.

"I don't either, but-"

"I know!  We can go pick him up from work!"

"How come you haven't wanted to do this before?"

"I want to protect you and Noiz-san more now.  I feel like I haven't done a very good job."  He looked down at his feet.  Suddenly the mood of our conversation turned to melancholy. 

"What are you talking about?  It was because of you that Noiz didn't hurt himself again."

"But he went into a coma!  I probably could have prevented that if I did-"

"Clear, you know that wasn't your fault.  I did that."

"That wasn't you."

"That was me."

"He didn't sound like you at all!"

"He is me, and it was my fault, so don't feel guilty about it," I snapped.

Clear withdrew a little bit.  I didn't mean to snap at him.  I knew all too well that he didn't respond well to that type of thing.  His arm slipped from my shoulders.

"Clear, I didn't mean to snap at you like that."

"It's okay.  You shouldn't feel guilty about that either, though, Aoba-san."

I looked away without saying anything because I did feel guilty about it and it weighed on me heavily.

* * *

 

Clear did what he normally did at Heibon: play around with everything an hang on me occasionally.  We made a point to call Noiz at my lunch break.  

"Hello?"  

"Hi, Noiz-san!"  Clear shoved his giddy face in front of my coil.

"Hey, Noiz." I pulled Clear back a little bit.  "Is everything okay?  Are you doing good?"

"Is everyone being nice to you~?"

"Yeah, I'm doing okay.  I, um, got your note.  The one you guys left in my lunchbox."

"Did you like it~?"

"Yeah, I- Yeah.  It made me happy."  Noiz looked down, and a soft smile formed at his lips.

"It was Aoba-san's idea!"

"Thank you, Aoba.  You too Clear.  You guys are amazing."  It was obvious that our note had made his day, and I could see it in the way he smiled.

"You're very welcome, Noiz-san!  Also, look at this!"  Clear held up a green bunny stuffed animal.  "Aoba-san and I are gonna buy it for you!"

"You guys don't have to do all this. . ."  He reached back and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Noiz-san, we want to make you happy again!"

"Well, you're doing a great job.  I gotta go.  See ya when I get home."  He hung up.

That day went by agonizingly slow.  It felt like it had been years when we finally left the shop to go home, and years more when Noiz got home.

"Noiz-san!"  Clear jumped up from the couch the second the door opened and ponced on him.

I followed suit, except I didn't jump on Noiz like Clear did.  Instead, I hugged him and lightly kissed his neck.  "Did you have a good day?"

"Yeah.  It was alright."

"Good."

"Noiz-san, look!" Clear snatched the bunny stuffed animal and shoved it into his arms.  "I'm sorry we couldn't come to pick you up.  I was really worried the stars would fall and hurt you."

"It's okay.  The stars didn't fall, and I didn't get hurt."  He looked at the stuffed animal and suppressed a smile then took off his blazer and hung it up on the coat hanger. 

"But what if they did?"  Clear wrapped his arms around Noiz's shoulders and rested his chin on his head.  

I hugged them both.  I didn't know why, but I felt like it was needed.

"Since you did such a great job at work, we will watch a movie and have pizza!" Clear declared.  He immediately started to work in the kitchen. 

I snuggled with Noiz on the couch while flipping through channels on the TV.  "What did you want to watch, Clear?"

"Go to the channel that plays kids movies!  Those are really fun, and I think Noiz-san should stay away from sad movies for now."

I switched to the channel that Clear had said, and I recognized the movie that was on.  It was the one about the mermaid who wanted to live on land.   _The Little Mermaid_ I think it was.  It looked like it had just started.  

Clear brought over the pizza, which Noiz lunged for and ate in under thirty seconds.  He pointed to my plate.  "You gonna eat that?"

I swatted at his hand.  "Yes!"

Noiz leaned back with a huff.  Clear rested his head on his shoulder and curled up, adjusting his dress.  His eyes were glowing as Noiz put his arm around him and his other arm around me.  This was probably my favorite part of they day, when we were all together and close enough to feel the warmth our bodies gave off.  It felt nice, and it made me feel loved.    

Ariel was singing her _Part of your World_ song when Clear spoke up again.  "I like Ariel a lot.  She's just like me."

"How so?" I asked.

"She wants to be human too."  The light his eyes gave off dimmed a little when he said that.

"You should know that we think of you as human."  Noiz tucked a piece of hair behind Clear's ear.

"But I'm not human.  I'm made out of metal."  Clear had shifted away from Noiz and was now hugging his knees to his chest.  His voice wavered and the pixels in his eyes became more prominent.  "Listen to my voice.  This doesn't happen to people.  That's because I'm a _robot._ "  He spat the word robot out like it tasted sour.  "And robots aren't supposed to feel like this," he whispered.

"Feel like what?" I asked.

"I don't know!"  He hid his face.  "I really care about you both, and I just want to make you happy.  But I can't do that because I'm just metal and chemicals and you're real people that can feel real things.  My feelings aren't real, so they don't matter."

"Don't say that!"  Noiz stood facing Clear and tilted his face up.  "You just said you're feeling something right now, didn't you?"  

I reached over and wiped the tears off Clear's cheeks.  

"You're crying too," Noiz continued.  "You wouldn't be crying if this feeling you're having wasn't real."

"You're a real person.  With a consciousness and everything.  We don't care if you're body's made out of metal," I added.

"I mean, look at all that we've been through.  You've been there for me and Aoba the whole time, and you think you can't make us happy?  You sang to me every night that I was in that coma, Clear.  You stayed with me for hours when Aoba was at work when I could do nothing but lie there.  I heard you say it yourself, that you'd protect us with your life, and you don't think that matters?"

Clear sniffled and blinked as the errors in him grew worse.  "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"Stay the way you are, Clear." I said.

Clear's eyes were going crazy.  They flickered with light and pixels that skipped out of place when he blinked.

"Noiz-san, why do I have so many error messages right now?"  His voice was getting kind of hard to understand.  "They're blocking my vision, and I'm scared!"

"Clear, calm down, okay?  That's probably because you're having an overload of emotional stress."

"What do you mean?"  Noiz seemed to know what was going on, at least better than I did.

"When I fixed him, there was major damage in the part of him that handles his emotions, and I couldn't fix it all the way.  That's why he glitches when he's upset and why his eyes glow when he's happy.  When he's under a lot of emotional stress he starts to break down."

"Break down?!"  Clear's eyes widened in despair.  "I don't want to die yet!"

I moved closer to him and motioned for him to sit in my lap.  "Shh," I breathed into his ear. 

Noiz rubbed Clear's back and pressed his face into the crook of his neck.  "It's okay.  Everyone has feelings, Clear.  You're no different."

He eventually calmed down, but stayed curled up in my lap for a while.  "Aoba-san, Noiz-san, I lied when I said I don't need to sleep.  I just don't like it.  But I'm tired.  Can I stop now?"

"It's okay to rest, but don't stop." I kept him close to me and let him sleep like that with Noiz leaning on my shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love getting feedback from you guys! (i actually thought that literally no one would read this so this is great holy shit)


	8. Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to feel closer to both of them.

I don't think Clear slept at all up until then.  He may have been laying in bed and pretending he was sleeping, but it was nothing like this. He must have been exhausted, even if he was using an energy reserve or something like that. He had told us that he didn't need to sleep and that his power lasted for a long time. Noiz and I just assumed that he was solar powered or that maybe he could create his own energy. I wondered why he didn't like to sleep. I didn't understand why he would avoid it at all costs, even at the cost of his body, which would start to break itself down for energy when he really needed it, as Noiz told me.

Clear fell asleep pretty quickly. I could tell because his breathing was significantly slower, and there was a strange heat building in his abdomen, probably where he was producing the energy. His body grew limp and heavy in my arms, and his head had slumped over on my shoulder.

Noiz spoke up after a while. "Hey," he whispered. "We should get to bed soon."

"Yeah." I tried to move Clear so I could get up.

"I've got him." Noiz picked him up and held him like a baby, which looked kind of funny because Clear was an adult, and a tall one at that.

He carried him to our room and placed him on the bed.  "Should we get him changed?" I asked.  I could imagine how uncomfortable his outfit would be.  Also, I really hated it when people lay on our bed in street clothes.

"He probably wouldn't like that," Noiz replied.  "He still doesn't change in front of us, so I don't think he wants that."  

"Right."  I sat on the bed next to Clear.  I rested my hand on his stomach, which was still radiating heat.  "He's burning up.  You sure he's okay?"  

"Yeah.  That's just his way of generating energy."

I could hear a dull hum when I pressed my ear to him.  I sighed.  This was his equivalent to a heartbeat.  It made me feel better to know that he was sleeping now and that he would be okay.  

Noiz relaxed next to me and played with my long hair.  "Why don't you go get changed?  You're still in your work clothes."

"Nah." 

"Oh, come on, Noiz, you know that's my pet peeve.  Let's go."  I sat up and nudged him to do the same.

"Nooooo," he replied.

"Get up!  Stop being such an ass, Noiz, let's go."  I pushed him until he rolled off the bed with a thud.

"Ow!" He reached out and pulled my leg so I fell down on top of him.

"Noiz," I said.

"Can we stay like this, Aoba?" he breathed.  "Just for a little while."  His change of tone made my chest hurt.  

I nodded into his shirt and let him wrap his arms around my waist.  "Everything's okay, right?"

"Yeah.  I'm just tired."

"I'm proud of you," I murmured.  

"You say that a lot."

"Yeah, well I mean it." 

He shifted under me.  "This is kind of uncomfortable.  Can we get up?"

I nodded again.  It wasn't the position that made him uncomfortable, I realized.  It was the praise.  He never took compliments well, not in the entire two years we'd been together.  He always either dismissed them or ignored them all together.  Even when I told him "I love you," for the first time he had a hard time choking out his three word reply.  I always thought that was one of his cuter aspects, the way he blushed when he said it and how he stumbled over his feelings.  As someone who spent the majority his life in a dark room, that was to be expected.  He didn't really know what love was because of the way he lived for all those years, left in the dark and convinced that it was the 'unconditional love' of his parents that kept him there.  It took me forever to get him to think otherwise, convince him that that was no way to live and that there are other things out there.  That was when I decided that he was someone I wanted to stay with, someone to protect because behind his hard exterior, he was still a kid.  He was only eighteen when I met him, and I was twenty two.  He pushed so many people away when he got to Midorijima that Clear and I were the only ones to see his affectionate side.

We changed and settled in bed with Clear, and I noticed something.  Noiz had stopped wearing t-shirts to bed like he had when Clear was fixed.  I wondered why.   _He doesn't know that I told Clear about his scars, does he?_ I thought.  Actually, come to think of it, he did mention something that Clear said in that conversation.  I thought back to the previous night.

_"I heard you say it yourself, that you'd protect us with your life, and you don't think that matters?"_

He must have been awake.  I felt a wave of guilt come over me as I regretted not asking him if I could talk to Clear about that.  I really should have asked him.  That was a really personal thing, but then again, it was for his safety.  He didn't seem mad about it either; if anything he was showing more trust towards Clear, letting him see his scars like that.

It made me smile to myself, actually.

* * *

It was weird waking up the next morning because Clear was still asleep.  Normally, he would be in the kitchen making breakfast by now.  I shook Noiz awake and then poked Clear's cheek.  "Clear, it's time to get up."

There was no response from him.

"Move aside."  Noiz crawled over me and leaned over Clear.  "Hey, Clear."  He nudged his shoulder.  "Are you awake?"  Noiz kissed him this time.  "Get up."

Clear's eyes fluttered open.   _Of course._ "Noiz-san?  Aoba-san?"

"Did you sleep good?" I asked.

"Y-Yeah. . ."  He sat up.  "I feel better now.  I'm not getting any more error messages."

"That's good." 

It was a pretty standard day.  Clear and I left him a nice note in his lunch again, and promised to call him at lunch.  Clear wore a galaxy print shirt with white shorts and his original scarf and coat and, of course, brought his umbrella with us to work.  He seemed to have a more energized feeling to him, and it was evident that sleeping had helped a lot.  Later that night when Noiz came home, we smothered him with hugs and kisses and resumed our normal evening routine, which pretty much consisted of sitting around and watching TV.

It wasn't until when we were about to go to sleep that Clear went on the balcony.  Neither Noiz nor I had been out there in ages, and frankly, I had forgotten we had it.  Clear didn't even sit on the bench; he sat on the railing, swinging his legs over the edge.  It made me kind of nervous.  

After thirty minutes, Noiz spoke up.  "Should I go check on him?"

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea.  I'm kinda worried about him being on the rail."

He untangled himself from where we were laying and shuffled to the door.

"You're in your underwear, you know.  Won't you be cold?"

"I'll be fine."  

I laughed to myself and flopped back on the bed.  I watched Noiz place his hand on Clear's back and say something, and Clear swung his legs back over the rail and hopped down.  They sat together on the bench and seemed to be having a conversation.  Noiz wrapped his arm around Clear, who leaned his head on his shoulder.  They talked for a little while, and Noiz leaned over to kiss him.  I watched Clear bring his hands gently to Noiz's face and kiss him back while Noiz wrapped his arms around his waist, and I didn't feel jealous or anything, just glad.  They kissed for a little while, seeming pretty into it, and exchanged a few words, then came back inside.  

"Everything's good," Noiz said as they settled down on either side of me.

"Well, I could see that," I replied with a chuckle.

Clear was facing me, and I could see that his face was kind of red.  I felt Noiz's body against my back and his arms hugging me to his chest, his breath tickling my neck.  It was peaceful and warm between them.  

"Aoba-san," Clear whispered after a long pause, "I really want to kiss you like that, like how Noiz-san kissed me.  He told me that's what humans do, and I want to feel human.  He said I should ask you, so can I?"  His voice was sad and heavy, and it made me want to hold him.

"Um, y-yeah. . ."

He put his hand on my cheek and leaned in.  "Thank you, Aoba-san."

"Of course."

Clear closed the gap between us and pressed his lips on mine.  His hand slid back into my hair, and he combed it with his fingers.  He began to move his lips and tongue, and I realized that he was a good kisser.  He was a  _really_ good kisser.  Which I guess made sense because he was originally created to be able to manipulate humans.  He differed from Noiz, who had a sense of haste and sloppiness to him.  I had to tell him several times that it was okay to go slow and take his time when we had sex for the first time.  That was to be expected, though, because he was still relatively young and because of his upbringing, he's only been with me and now Clear.

I didn't really know where to place my hands, so I settled for cupping Clear's cheeks in my palms.  His arms were draped around my shoulders, and I could feel Noiz's face pressed into my back.  It was a weird feeling, though, having two people on me at once, but I liked it.  I cared about Noiz, and I cared about Clear, too.

Clear pulled away and beamed at me.  "Thank you very much, Aoba-san!"  

"You're welcome.  Clear, I want you to actually sleep tonight, okay?"

"Okay.  Can I move closer?"

I nodded.

"Thank you."  He shifted closer to me and reached his arm over Noiz and I.

"Why do you keep thanking us?  You don't have to do that," Noiz piped up.

"I want you to know I appreciate you!"

I didn't know how to respond to him, so I just hugged him close to my chest.

I was having a hard time sorting out my feelings for Clear.  I found him sweet and charming and beautiful, and I liked him a lot.  I wanted him to be happy, but I wanted Noiz to be happy too.  I had never really considered being in a polyamorous relationship before, but I didn't particularly have a problem with it, and I didn't even know if what we had classified as one.  Noiz obviously didn't have a problem with it either, and that was evident in the way he made out with Clear earlier.  

I saw no reason to be conflicted over it.  I wanted to be with both of them.  And that was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter fuckin took forever
> 
> anyway, I really love it when you guys give me feedback so feel free to!


	9. Long Sleeves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's hiding behind them.

Clear's insecurities seemed to be getting worse.  He began to cover up more, a lot more than usual, and would refuse to leave the apartment without his scarf and huge coat.  He wouldn't wear short sleeves or shorts anymore, not even to bed.  His usual touchy-feely behavior diminished as well.  I was starting to get pretty worried about him.

Noiz and I were sitting on the couch waiting on him to get ready for our trip to the aquarium, which Clear had been begging for until we finally gave in.  He emerged from the bathroom wearing his giant coat buttoned all the way up to the top and his scarf covering half of his face.  "Have you seen my mask anywhere?"

"No, Clear, this is starting to get a little ridiculous," I replied as I rose from the couch and made my way over to him.  "You really need to take some of this off."  I reached for his scarf, and he caught my wrist.

"Please don't, Aoba-san.  I really want to keep all of it on."

"You're gong to overheat if you do, Clear," Noiz joined me in trying to convince him to take something off.  "That's really bad for you.  It takes a huge toll on your cooling system, which is a really important part of your body."

"I'll be okay.  Please don't worry.  Can you help me find my mask?"

"No, that's just going to make things worse."  I put my hand on his shoulder.  "Is there anything wrong?  Did someone say something to you?"

He shook his head.

"Then why are you like this all of a sudden?  You were wearing a sundress a week ago, and you were fine.  What's wrong?"

"I'm ugly, that's all."

I felt something in my chest clench up when he said that.  He still didn't feel good about himself.  After all the times Noiz and I held him and kissed him and told him how beautiful he was, he still didn't get it.  Did he think we were just saying that to make him happy?

"What makes you think that?" Noiz said.

Clear shrugged.  "I just am."

Whatever just clenched up broke into a million pieces.  "Stop saying that.  You're not."  I reached for his scarf again, but he wouldn't let me touch it.

"Please don't do that!"  His voice started to crack, and out of place pixels started to surface in his eyes.

"Clear, we're being serious here."  Noiz's voice was rising as well.  "We're not leaving until you take some of that off."

"I don't want to!"  

"At least take the gloves and the scarf off," I added, trying to keep a softer tone.

His face was getting redder by the minute, and sweat formed on his forehead.  I didn't know he could sweat.  

Noiz put his hand to Clear's forehead.  "You're sweating, and your temperature is going up.  That doesn't happen unless there's something wrong internally."  

"Nothing's wrong."  Clear crossed his arms defensively

"Okay, so if I plugged you into my computer I wouldn't get any error messages?  Everything would be fine?  We can test that out."  Noiz reached for a cord that was lying on the coffee table and held it up.

Clear didn't respond. 

"We're really worried about you.  We don't want you to feel bad about yourself or anything, but right now your health comes first," I said.

Noiz always took on a rough tone when he got upset, so I was trying to even things out because Clear didn't take it in the right way.  He didn't get that Noiz was just as worried as I was and that all he wanted was for him to be okay.  

"I really need to check your stats, so you've got to at least take your coat off." Noiz's voice was rising to a yell, and I had to put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down.

"Noiz, you've gotta calm down a bit. You're scaring him."  I nudged him toward the kitchen. "Go get some water."

I turned to Clear, who was cowering away from us.  "Come'ere.  It's okay." I held my hand out and waited for him to take it.  When he did, I moved him to the couch. "He doesn't mean it in a bad way, Clear," I whispered.  "He just cares about you, that's all. That's just how he gets when he's scared."  I gently took his scarf off, and this time, he didn't stop me.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" I brushed some of his hair out of his face.

"Aoba-san. . ." He pressed a hand to his forehead. "I feel funny."

"Take off your coat, then." Noiz sat on the other side of him and handed him a glass of water. "This should help."

"I don't need to drink water, remember, Noiz-san?"  Clear's voice was really starting to get hazy.

"You need to now. If you get too hot, your body starts to shut itself down. This should cool things down a bit."

"I feel really weird now." The glass dropped from his hand, and water spilled over him and on the carpet. He fell sideways with his head on Noiz's lap. His eyes grew dull and glazed over, like they were when we first found him.

"Clear!" I cried and shook his shoulder. "Clear, are you okay? Oh my God!"

Noiz felt his forehead. "He's getting really hot. Go start a bath, and make sure it's really cold. I'm going to plug him in and see how bad it is."

My heart raced as I stumbled into the bathroom and turned on the water. Noiz was actually really good at handling stressful situations like this. He would get really bossy and short, but at least he didn't freak out like me.

I went back to the living room because I didn't know what to do to make myself useful. Noiz had Clear curled up in his lap with a cord plugged into a panel at the back of his neck.  Clear's head was leaning over onto Noiz's shoulder, and his arms hung by his sides.  One of Noiz's hands rested on Clear's bare back, and the other was typing furiously on the computer that Clear was plugged into.  "He was wearing three shirts plus his heavy coat," Noiz said flatly.  "I'm pretty sure he's wearing two pairs of pants too.  His heat tolerance is pretty bad, too.  I'm almost done here."

He typed a few more lines and unplugged the cord from Clear's neck.  "Alright, let's get him in the bath."  Noiz carried him with ease into the bathroom.

"Is he going to be okay?" I asked as Noiz took off the rest of Clear's clothes and lowered him into the water.

"I think so.  Once he's cooled down enough, he'll turn back on."

"Should we stay with him until he wakes up?"

Noiz ran his hand trough his hair.  "Yeah, that's probably a good idea for you to stay with him."

I sat on the edge of the bathtub.  "Aren't you gonna stay?" 

"I have to look up some stuff."

"What stuff?"

"Robotics.  I really should have seen this coming, so I'm going to study some more, so I can prevent it next time."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, though, okay?"

"Don't worry."  He kissed me and left the bathroom.

I didn't really know what I was supposed to do with Clear. Noiz didn't tell me to do anything specific, so I settled for occasionally checking his temperature and splashing cold water on his face. I sat there for a long time, for how long I wasn't sure, and my butt was really starting to hurt.

I left to see what Noiz what up to. "Noiz?"

"Yeah?" He was lounging on the couch typing on his coil.

"How long has it been?"

"A few hours. He should be getting up soon."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?" 

I sat on the couch next to his feet.  "You seemed really upset."

"No, I wasn't," he grunted.

"Yeah, you were.  You were yelling."

Noiz opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by a voice coming from the bathroom.  

"Noiz-san?  Aoba-san?  What happened?  Where are you?"

We jumped off the couch and raced to the bathroom.  Clear was awake now,  and he was sitting with his knees tucked to his chest.

"Please don't look at me!" he cried when he saw us at the door.

"Hey, hey, it's okay.  Noiz has to check something on you, I think, and then you can get some clothes on."  I knelt down and cupped his face in my hands.  "It's okay.  There's nothing to worry about."  I motioned for Noiz to get his computer.

"I don't want you to not like me anymore."

"Why would we not like you?"

He hid his face with his knees.  "I thought that if you and Noiz-san saw me like this you wouldn't want to be with me anymore.  I don't want to be left alone again, so that's why I'm scared."

Noiz came back with his computer and the cord he used earlier.  "Why would you think that?"  His voice was flat, but I couldn't help but hear the sad undertones.  "You think that we'd throw you out on the street, and for what?  For seeing you naked?"

Clear remained quiet and wouldn't look either of us in the eye.

"See these?" Noiz said sourly as he lifted up his shirt and pointed to the old gashes in his stomach.  I could still see where the stitches were, and they were extremely prominent compared to the smaller ones from his childhood.  "These are disgusting.  They make me disgusting.  You don't have anything like this."

"Noiz. . ."  He seemed to be getting worked up again, and it was making me kind of nervous.  "You shouldn't be saying things like that either.  You're both really beautiful, okay?  It doesn't matter if you have scars or if you're man-made.  I don't care."

We sat in an uncomfortable silence until Noiz spoke.  "Clear, can you turn around so I can plug this in?"  His voice was heavy and seemed to weigh down the entire room.

"Okay."  Even Clear had lost the normal buoyancy in his voice.  He turned himself around without releasing his knees.

"I'm not sure how much this'll hurt."  Noiz pressed down on a spot on the back of Clear's neck, which opened up the same panel I had seen before.  He leaned over and lightly kissed the area above it before plugging the cord in.  

Clear winced and let out a quiet whimper.  

"Sorry. . ."  He kissed the same spot again and began to work on his computer.

I stroked Clear's back in an attempt to comfort him.  "You're gonna be okay.  We wont't leave you, I promise."

"Can you say that again?"

"We won't leave you, I promise," I repeated, slower this time.

"Okay."

"Done."  Noiz gently pulled the cord form Clear.  "You should be okay now."

"Thank you."

I handed Clear a towel and he used it to cover himself up and dry off.  He started towards the door. 

"Come'ere."  I held out my arms for him, and he stopped and turned around.

He leaned into me, and I hugged him as hard as I could.  I could feel his body heat through my shirt and his soft skin with my hands.  Noiz joined in hugged Clear form behind.  We stood there for a while, encased in each other's arms.  

"Can I put on clothes now?"

"Oh, right.  Sure."  I left the room and got him some clothes, making sure they were light and comfortable so he wouldn't overheat again.  

When I got back to the bathroom, Noiz was still hugging Clear.

"Noiz-san, you can let go now.  Aoba-san's back."

"I don't want to," Noiz muttered dejectedly into Clear's back.

"I'm okay now, Noiz-san.  Isn't that what you said?"

"It's not that, I'm just-"  His grip on Clear loosened.  "Never mind."

I handed Clear his clothes, and we left him to get changed.  

Noiz and I were sitting on the couch again, waiting for Clear to get ready like we were at the beginning of all this, and I found it slightly unsettling.  We were sitting in the same place, and what felt like the same position.  The air around us had a more melancholy feel to it, and our shirts were a little damp from when we hugged Clear.  This time, though, Clear came out wearing the clothes I gave him.  He plopped down on the couch between us.  "I don't think I want to go to the aquarium today."

"That's okay.  We can go tomorrow if you want," I replied

He nodded and pulled his knees to his chest.  "Hey, Aoba-san, Noiz-san?"

"Yeah?" Noiz answered.

Clear muttered something inaudible.

"We can't hear you.  Speak up," I said.

"I, um, I think I-"  He hid his face, his voice barely above a whisper.  "I think I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sometimes i listen to sad 8 tracks mixes to get in the mood
> 
> bad idea friends dont do it
> 
> i stg these babies will be the death of me


	10. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clear's brave enough to say what we couldn't.

"I love you," Clear repeated, more confident this time.  "I've fallen for both of you.  I'm in love with you, and I want to kiss you, and I want to hold you, and I want to sleep with you, and I want to be close to you, and I want to make love with you, and I want to make you happy, and I want to protect you, and I want to be with you forever, and is that bad?"  He said it in one breath and looked up at us expectantly.  His face was completely red.

Noiz and I looked at each other in shock; neither of us were expecting that, nor did we know what to say.  

"I'm sorry!"  Clear covered his face again and ran into our room.

Noiz got up to go after him, but I grabbed his shirt.  "I think we should give him some space.  A lot's happened."

He nodded and sat back down.  "Do you have feelings for him?" he asked after a while.

I nodded and realized that I needed to come to a decision.   "I love him too, I think."

_Hmph, really.  Noted,_ sneered a voice in my head.  It was  _him._

_Shut up!  Don't you dare touch him!_ I mentally yelled.

Noiz nodded and whispered, "Me too."  

"I love you and Clear.  There's nothing wrong with that, right?"  I confirmed.

"Well, I sure hope not.  Lets find him.  I think he needs to know."

"Okay."  I stood up.  "I think he's in our room."

Noiz and I inched the door open and crept inside.  Clear was outside on the balcony, sitting on the railing and swinging his legs like he normally did.  I opened the door and stepped outside, followed by Noiz, and Clear looked up.

"You know being on the railing like that makes us scared, Clear.  Come on down," I said.

He hopped down and began to speak.  "I'm sorry I-"

"It's okay.  Just sit with us."  I motioned for Noiz to sit on the bench, and Clear sat in the middle.

Clear sat rigidly with his uneasy gaze fixed on his lap, nervously fingering a white curl in his hair.  He was always really easy to read; I could tell when he was sad or happy or embarrassed because of the glitches in his brain, and also by the way he acted. 

"Relax."  Noiz placed a hand on his shoulder.  "There's no need to be wound up so tight."

"I'm sorry for saying all that, but I really did mean it when I said I love you," Clear uttered.  "You don't have to like me in a romantic or sexual way or anything, but I just wanted you to know. . .  I want to stay here, and I want you to at least like me as a friend."

I leaned my head against his shoulder.  "We know.  We love you too." 

"Really?  Do you love me like that?"

"Yeah.  We love you like that."  Noiz reached for Clear's hand and held it in his.

I saw him try to suppress a grin, and his eyes started to glow, and his cheeks were still pink.  He was happy.  Or maybe excited.  Or maybe both.  "Even though I'm a robot?  Even though I'm replaceable, you still love me?"

"Please don't say that."  Noiz brought Clear's hand to his chest and held it there.  "We love you."

"You're not replaceable.  I've never met anyone like you.  And I said earlier, didn't I?  That I don't care if you're man-made."  I grasped his other hand.  "I love you like I love Noiz.  I want you to stay with us."

"Can I kiss you, Aoba-san?" he asked.

"Of course," I replied.

He put his hand on my cheek and kissed me gently, then turned to Noiz.  "Noiz-san, can I kiss you, too?" 

"Come'ere."  Noiz grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him into a kiss.  

Clear gave a satisfied hum.  "I think I feel happy now."

"Good," I said.

"So does this mean I can touch your butt now?" Noiz said after a pause in the conversation. 

"Noiz!"

"Also your peen is really huge."

"NOIZ!"

"Is that bad?" Clear seemed genuinely worried.

"Nah, that's a really good thing, actually I-"

"Noiz, that's enough!"  My face was really starting to heat up now.

"But it's like ten fuckin' inches, Aoba, I mean-"

"I swear to God, Noiz, if you can't shut up about dicks for like, five seconds. . ."

"You'll what?"  He shot me a challenging look.  "Get more flustered?"

"Shut up," I muttered, covering my face with my hands.

An awkward silence settled in.  I heard Noiz trying to stifle a laugh, and he broke the silence by whispering, "Dong."

"Oh my FUCKING GOD, NOIZ!  WHAT ARE YOU TWELVE?!?!"

He smirked.  "Yeah, twelve inches deep in your ass."

"I'm leaving."  I stood up in a huff.  

Noiz had always said that I was really easily worked up.  He was probably right.

 Clear giggled and grabbed my shirt.  "No!  Don't go, Aoba-san!  This is fun!"

"For you, maybe," I grumbled as I plopped back down.  Even though Noiz was being a complete jackass, I still wanted to keep the spirits up.  Everyone had a particularly bad day, especially Clear, so I wanted to keep everyone happy.

It was getting late, and I could see the sun setting behind the clouds.  It cast brilliant hues of red and orange across the sky, and it was one of the prettiest I had ever seen.  Cliche, huh.  Maybe it was just in my head. 

"The sky reminds me of jellyfish!" Clear exclaimed.

"Every thing reminds you of jellyfish, Clear."  Noiz poked his bellybutton, and Clear let out a laugh.  

"Stop it!  That tickles!"

"Get him back, Clear.  He's really ticklish under his chin."

"Okay~!"  Clear reached for Noiz, who scrunched up his shoulders and turned away.

He eventually got a laugh out of him and turned to me.  "Oh, no." I held out my hand before Clear attacked me.

I had always been really ticklish, so naturally, I laughed hysterically and batted at his arms until he stopped.

"I want to sing to you," Clear declared.

"Go ahead," I replied.  

"Come closer." He pulled Noiz and I even closer to him than we were before, his arms around our shoulders.  

I leaned my head into him and listened to his song, which was modest and sweet and also the same song as always.  I wasn't tired of it though, and now I knew the tune and words by heart, so I hummed along with him.  

I heard a laugh coming from inside my head.   _This is fuckin' great.  Now I have one more way to get to you._

I did my best to ignore him.  There was really no sense in reacting because that was what he wanted from me.  He was like a little kid.  If he didn't get what he wanted, he would throw a tantrum and destroy everything around him.  Except, I couldn't take it lightly like you would with a little kid.  A kid would cry and yell and throw things, but they wouldn't do any permanent damage whereas my desire would hack into people's minds and leave them broken.  It was give him what he wanted, or pay the price.

_What do you want from me, anyway?_ I questioned.

_I already told you,_ he said.   _I want out._

_Out?_

_Yeah.  Out.  Lemme have control for once._

_You're just going to hurt Noiz and Clear,_ I snarled.

_What makes you think that?_ he taunted.

"Aoba?"  It was Noiz's voice.

"Aoba-san, are you okay?"  Clear's.

"Aoba!"  Noiz shook my shoulders this time.

"I'm fine."  My vision focused back in to see their concerned faces staring at me.

"What was that about?"  Noiz let go of me.

"I-I don't know.  What did I do?"

"You tensed up a lot, and your eyes looked really strange.  They're back to normal now."  Clear touched my cheek with his fingertips.

"Oh, I, uh. . .  Sorry."

"Don't apologize, Aoba-san!  Let's go back inside.  I think you need rest."  He stood up and held his hand out, helping me up.  Instead of leading me inside like I expected, he scooped me up bridal style and carried me in.

"Uh, this isn't necessary, Clear.  Really, I'm fine.  I can walk myself."  I felt my face heating up yet again.

"Nope!  I am going to carry you whether you like it or not!"  

Noiz laughed and followed us inside.  

Clear placed me down on the bed.  "Noiz-san, stay with Aoba-san and make sure nothing bad happens, and I'm gonna make dinner."

"'Kay."  Noiz flopped down beside me as Clear pranced out of the room.  "Hey, Aoba, don't do anything stupid."

"Gee, thanks."  I reached a hand over to poke his cheek.

He turned his head sideways and bit my finger.

"Ow!" I jerked my hand back.

Noiz crawled next to me and rested his head on my chest.  "What happened earlier, it looked like how it looked before you went crazy last time."  His voice was quiet now, kind of timid, actually.  I guess he was referring to the last time I got into his head.  "I got kind of scared.  You're okay now, though, right?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."  I slid my arm up and around his waist.

"What is that, anyway?"

"I don't know.  Maybe I just need medication or something.  It'll go away then, probably."

I thought I head a huff and what sounded like a sob coming from inside my head.  I tried to listen harder, but the other me was silent again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldnt not put something in this fic about clears massive robopeen i mean come on guys lets get real here


	11. Dysphoria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (dɪsˈfɔːrɪə)  
> Noun  
> A state of dissatisfaction or unease

I woke up alone.  I heard voices coming from the living room.  It was Clear and Noiz, for sure.  Clear sounded like he was crying.

I rolled out of bed and put a shirt on, then made my way to the living room.  Clear was sitting shirtless on the couch with his head in his hands while Noiz was setting up his computer with the cord he used on him yesterday.  As I got closer, I noticed that something was wrong with his skin.  There were red patches all over his chest and back and arms, and even on his face.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Clear woke up like this.  I'm gonna check to see if there's anything wrong."  He bent over and hugged Clear.  "It's okay.  It's okay.  We're gonna fix it."

I sat down next to him and gently touched a red area on his shoulder.  "Does it hurt?"

Clear shook his head.

"Then what's wrong?  Clear, look at me."  I slowly pulled his hands away from his face and held them in mine.  

"It makes me look more ugly."  His voice was ragged, and it cut off in some places.  "Please don't look at me,  I'm even worse now!"

"No, it doesn't Clear.  I told you yesterday to stop saying that, okay?  You're beautiful no matter what.  Plus, this is probably something that Noiz can fix."

"I'm gonna plug this in now, Clear."

He nodded.

Noiz kissed his neck and opened the panel, plugging the cord in.  

I felt Clear squeeze my hands, and he took in a sharp breath.  

"I, uh. . .  Hmm. . ."  A confused look from Noiz.  "The thing is, there's nothing wrong.  Like, all of his levels are fine."

"What?  Then why's he like this?"

"I actually don't know.  I mean, there's not anything I can do really, since there's nothing technically wrong."

"So does that mean I have to stay like this?"  Clear's voice raised in pitch as Noiz unplugged the cord.

"I'm sorry, Clear."  He set his computer down on the floor.  "I'm really sorry.  But I can't do anything about it."

Clear started crying again, and I wrapped my arms around him and let him lean into my chest.  "It's okay.  It's probably one of those things that'll just go away after a few days, like an illness.  You're gonna be fine, I promise."

"But what do I do now?  I can't go outside like this!  I don't want you guys to see me like this either!"

"Clear, we told you that we love you yesterday, right?  That's not gonna change just because of something as stupid as this.  And of course you can go outside!  I'm gonna be honest here and say that no one out there gives a flying fuck about what you look like.  They're all too concerned with themselves to notice anyone else, anyway," Noiz said.

I didn't really think Clear would respond positively to that.  Noiz had good intentions, but his delivery was a little rough.  "If you're still worried about people staring at you, we can get you some makeup or something."  I combed through his curly hair with my fingers.  "I can ask Ren to find a cosmetic shop for us, and we can go right now."

"Can't I just wear my mask," he whimpered.

"If you want you can wear makeup like Aoba said, but no mask.  That would put us back at square one.  Wearing that's not gonna help this whole body image thing." 

Clear paused.  "Okay."

"Do you want one of us to go to the store right now?"  I asked.

Clear nodded.

"I'll go," Noiz offered and stood up.  "You stay here with him."

"Uh, okay.  Do you know what you're looking for?"

"Yeah.  We'll need concealer, foundation, and powder probably."

I gave him a confused look.

"What?"

"Why do you know so much about makeup?"

"I uh, I just do."

Noiz changed in our room and grabbed one of his allmates on the way to the door.

"Alright."  I tried to let it go because sometimes he was vague like this for no reason.

"I'm gonna go now."  He leaned down and kissed each of us, giving Clear an extra one on his forehead.  "Love you guys."

"Love you too," I said as he walked out the door.

"Can I put my shirt back on, Aoba-san?" Clear asked timidly after Noiz had left.

"Yeah.  That's fine."

He reached down and picked it up, pulling it over his head, and laid shamefully on the couch.  "Aoba-san," I noticed him scratching at a red splotch on his thigh,  "It's not going away."

I laid behind him and took his hand.  "It might.  But even if it doesn't, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself for it.  It might not go away, and it might become a part of you.  And that's okay.  I actually think it looks pretty."

"Really?"  Clear's voice was doubtful.

"Yeah."

"You're just saying that."

"No.  I'm not just saying that.  Is that the kind of people you think Noiz and I are?  Just saying stuff and not meaning it?"

He didn't reply.

"Exactly.  We're not lying when we say those things."  I laced my fingers with his.  

"Can you say that again?  I want to hear it again."  He whispered.

"We're not lying when we say those things.  We really mean it."

"Okay.  Thank you, Aoba-san. "

I kissed his neck and felt him snuggle into my chest a little bit.  "Your skin kinda reminds me of the sky ."

"How?"

"Well, the little spots are like stars, and the bigger ones are like clouds."

 Clear held up the hand that was holding onto mine.  "I don't see it."

"Of course you can't see it.  I mean, you're looking at yourself, so you're not gonna see the same thing as other people see."

"Aoba-san, I don't want to stay like this.  I want my skin to look like everyone else's."

"I know.  But we're just gonna have to make the best of the situation."

He was quiet after that, so I figured I should leave him be.

My stomach growled, and I realized I hadn't had breakfast yet.  I sat up and pulled my hand back a little to let him know I was getting up.  "I'm gonna get breakfast now, okay?"  I started to stand up, expecting Clear to let go of me.

Except, he didn't.  He held my hand tighter and looked back at me with sorry eyes, and it made my heart shatter.  "Aoba-san. . ."  he breathed.  "Please stay with me."

"I'll be right back, I'm just-"

"Please stay with me," he repeated.

"O-okay. . ."  I settled back down with him on the couch.  

I had never seen him like this before.  He never made selfish requests, even over little things.  It scared me, actually, because this was really out of character for him.  But it wouldn't be fair for me to just get up and leave him when he told me to stay, even though I only would be on the other side of the room.  He obviously wanted me to stay on the couch, and it seemed like it really meant a lot to him.  I sighed and brought my arm around his waist.

"I love you, Aoba-san."

"I love you too."

* * *

 Noiz came back with an elegant little shopping bag filled with makeup.  "I don't see how these tiny little bottles and containers can be so expensive, but here I am with a bag full of 'em."

"Clear, Noiz is back."  I shook Clear's shoulder, and his eyes opened.  

"Noiz-san?"  He sat up.

"Yo."  Noiz set the bag down on the kitchen counter and motioned for us to join him.  "Come over here."

Clear sat in the chair facing Noiz as Noiz began taking the cosmetics out of the bag.  "Okay.  So, I'm gonna need you to sit still for a while."

Clear nodded, and Noiz opened a small tube and started to smear its contents on Clear's face with a sponge.  I watched as he worked and wondered why he was so good at it.  If someone had given me the same supplies and told me to do something with it,  It would probably end up on my surroundings rather than me.  I asked him.

"I, uh. . .  Well, back when we first started dating," he paused and ran his free hand through his hair, "I was really uncomfortable with you seeing my scars, you know, like when we were having sex and stuff, so I put makeup on them.  And I guess it seemed to work since you never said anything or asked, that or you didn't care.  After the incident a year ago, I stopped.  Whether or not it was from me being more comfortable or me just not caring, I don't know."

I thought back to when we got together.  I had always thought that I didn't notice because of my lack of observation or maybe the fact that it wasn't brought to my attention.  His old scars weren't that prominent anyway, so I just assumed that I didn't see them.  It never occurred to me that he was putting makeup on them.  I felt guilty to know that he didn't trust me enough to tell me back then, but at the same time I understood his fear.

"Why didn't you tell me?  I would've been okay with it."

"I was scared you were gonna push me away or leave me or treat me differently."  He brushed powder onto Clear's face.

That was such a stupid question for me to ask him.  Of course he would be scared to tell me.  He had lived most of his life being mistreated by other people, so why would he have thought any different of me?  When we met i was just another person to him.

I looked down at my feet.  "For what it's worth, I still would have stayed, and I wouldn't have treated you differently."

He sighed and nodded.  "I know that now." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> schools gonna start soon, so i might update less frequently just so you guys know!
> 
> i cant fucking deal with sad clear i cant im


	12. Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can feel too, apparently.

"Done."  Noiz set the brush down on the table.

Clear looked down at his arms and legs.  "It looks normal. . ."

"Yeah.  Wanna see your face?"  Noiz took him by the hand and brought him into the bathroom, and I followed.

"Wow, Noiz-san. . ."  He touched his face carefully and stared at his reflection in awe.

"Did you do this every day?" I asked.

"Not every day."  Noiz answered.  "Just when I was going to see you.  I didn't really care otherwise."

_He cared about my opinion?_ I thought.   _Just me?_

"Oh."  I thought about how he had used up most of the cosmetics he bought on Clear and how much time it took to do so.

And I realized that there was no way we could afford to do this every day.  It took almost an hour, and the makeup costed way too much to buy a new set every time.  I didn't really have the heart to tell Clear, who was still gaping at himself in the mirror, so I pulled Noiz aside to tell him.

"We're not going to be able to do this every day," I whispered.

"I know."

"Well, what are we gonna do?  He's not gonna leave the apartment without that stuff."

"I guess we'll have to like, try and lean him off of it."

"How?"

"I don't know."

"Noiz-san?"  Clear piped up.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you very much."  He came out of the bathroom and hugged Noiz, then turned to hug me.

"You too, Aoba-san."  

"You're welcome."

"Can we watch movies?" Clear asked.  That seemed to be his favorite thing to do when one of us was sad.

"Sure."  Noiz replied.  "What do you wanna watch?"

"I don't care.  You and Aoba-san can pick."

Clear and I sat on the couch while Noiz flipped channels on the TV until he found something that Clear would like.  He flopped down on the other side of Clear and laid with his head in his lap.  Clear leaned on my shoulder and let out a sigh.  

_What the fuck,_ a familiar voice echoed.

_What?_ I answered back.

_Why would you go to that much trouble?  He's just a robot._

Apparently Desire had recently decided to have actual conversations with me instead of tapping into my consciousness.

_He's not 'just a robot.'  You of all people should get that because you have been sitting here watching this entire time.  Also, you're in my head, so can't you hear my thoughts?_ _  
_

_Hmph,_ he scoffed.   _I still don't get it.  Same with that Noiz guy.  Why do you care so much?_

_So you've been here this whole time, and you can't understand why I care about them?_

_Nope._

I felt someone poke my thigh.  I blinked a few times, and my vision focused back in to see Clear and Noiz both looking at me with concerned faces.  "Aoba, you're spacing out again," Noiz said.

"Sorry. . ."  I didn't know what to say to account for that.  

I needed to be there and paying attention to them, not some stupid manifestation of my own thoughts.  They had problems that I felt the need to fix, so why couldn't I stay out of my own head to fix them?  I cared about them and wanted to keep them safe, but I was also the cause of their agony.

_This is what I'm talking about when I say 'too much trouble.'  You care too much._

I tried to ignore him.

_If you would just detach yourself from them this wouldn't happen._

I tried hard.

_At this point you're only hurting yourself._

But it was impossible.

_I told you before, did't I?_

"Aoba!"  Noiz jolted up, and Clear grabbed my shoulders.

_We destroy everything we touch._

My head started pounding.  I could feel them shaking me, and I could hear them yelling, but my senses seemed to be fading out, and I felt myself slipping out of consciousness.  

I couldn't see anything.  I woke up on a cold floor.  I was naked.  I knew because I could feel the freezing air pricking at my skin.

It was almost exactly like the dream I had a while ago, save for the fact that it was so cold I couldn't feel my fingers or toes.  It felt like I had been there for hours, and I thought I might get hypothermia if I didn't cover up.

I saw Desire.  He was sitting with his legs crossed, propping his chin up with his hand and staring at me with a bored look in his eyes.

I opened my mouth weakly to say something - what, I'm not exactly sure - but Desire interrupted me before I could speak.

"It's cold.  I know,"  He said flatly.  "Was that what you were gonna say?  And don't worry, I didn't hurt your precious little boyfriends."  

I tried to sit up despite the stiffness in my body.  "I-I don't know."  I hugged my knees as close to my chest as I could to keep my body heat from escaping.  "Why is it so cold, and why am I here?"

"Relax.  It's not gonna hurt you.  You get used to it."  He looked down, and his voice grew softer for a second.  "It's all in your head, anyway."

"Can't you just like, spawn in a jacket or something?"

"Tried that.  Doesn't work."

"Why did you drag me back here?"  

"Because I wanna know what the actual fuck is going on."

"What do you mean?"

"Please.  Why the fuck is it like, negative 38 degrees in here?  Why can't I do anything to fix that?"

"How do you expect me to know?!" 

"Well it's your body!  You're the one in control here, remember?"

"Well I-"

"I'm the one who has to sit here like this!" he interrupted.  "I'm the one who has to watch everything!  I'm the one who has to watch you get loved on by your pretty little boyfriends!"  His voice was rising, and he was now on his knees and clutching at his chest.  "I'm the one that doesn't get their own body, and will never get one!  So the least you can do is give me a decent place to live!"  He grabbed my hair and yanked it before receding a bit.

I tried to speak, but it seemed like he had cut me off because my surroundings had turned black and silent again.  My senses slowly came back, and I could feel that the air was much warmer and that I was wearing clothes.  I heard someone singing.  It was Clear, but his voice was shakier than usual.  Someone's arms were around me, and I seemed to be sitting in their lap.  

The singing stopped.  "Noiz-san, he isn't waking up!  I'm scared!  I don't want Aoba-san to end up like you did!"

I heard Noiz's voice come from a much closer vicinity, so he must have been the one holding me.  "He's not.  I'm not gonna let that happen.  Just keep singing."  I felt him rest his chin on my head and rock me back and forth.

I wanted to say something.  I wanted to open my eyes.  But I couldn't.  My eyelids felt like concrete, and my lips were glued together.  It drove me crazy.

_Is this what Noiz felt like?_

I felt a pair of arms slip around my waist. "Aoba-san, please wake up! I don't want any of us to be sad or hurt anymore."

I wanted to hug them back and tell them that everything is okay. I didn't want them to worry about me.

_I'm sorry.  But I don't know how to fix it, nor do I know what's causing it in the first place._ I did the best I could to direct my thoughts at Desire.   _You know I can't stay like this.  It's just gonna make things worse._  

_I don't care._

_They're upset. Can't you hear them? It's not fair to hurt them when it's my fault._

_I don't care._

_Don't you feel anything towards them? Haven't you been here watching the whole time? You said so yourself, that you're jealous of me for having them._

He fell silent. I realized that he did love them. He was jealous. He wanted to be loved too. I had never seen a more toxic way of someone dealing with their feelings for other people, but those feelings were definitely there. He didn't know what to do with himself it seemed. It didn't justify what he did to Noiz, and I probably wouldn't ever forgive him for that. But he was showing weakness, unintentionally, yes, but it was still human emotion, which I didn't think he was capable of.

_So you do, I'm assuming. This isn't how to deal with your feelings. It's okay if you love them, but hurting them isn't going to help._

I felt Noiz hug me tighter.  "Don't do this, Aoba.  Please don't do this.  Please wake up," he whispered.  "I know you can hear me.  It's not real.  It's better out here.  Everything's okay out here."

I knew that it wasn't real, and I knew that everything was better out there.  Of course it was.  Out there was where Noiz and Clear were.  Out there was where Granny was.  Out there was where Ren was.  Out there was where Koujaku was.  All of them loved me.  It made me scared to think of how long Noiz was under, and that was even when Desire had only been in his mind for a short while.  Desire hated me.  He would keep me down as long as he could.  I wondered if I'll ever get to see any of their faces again.

I started crying.  I didn't have any control over my body, so I couldn't hold it back like I normally would have.  Whimpering sounds escaped my lips and turned to heavy gasps and sobs as tears rolled down my cheeks, but it felt like I was in a shell.  I knew it was me crying, but it felt like someone else was pouring water down my cheeks and making those noises.

"Aoba-san!  Don't cry!  Please don't cry."  I felt someone wipe the tears off my face then kiss my lips.  "Are you sure he can hear us, Noiz-san?"

"I think so.  That's what it was like for me.  Try singing again."

I heard Clear's shaking voice start his song over and felt Noiz hug me harder. 

_Come on.  Work with me here.  I can help you.  I can talk to them.  I'll let you out.  You can talk to them.  Tell them you're sorry.  Tell them how you feel._

There was a pause.   _I don't believe you._

_Why?_

I tried to get him to talk again, but it seemed like he was already gone. 

   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sly blue more like sly bitch amirite
> 
> no i am not right sly is sad and needs love he just doesnt know how to deal w feelings
> 
> im planning on a visit from koujaku sometime soon so hold ur piss
> 
> prepare for the ultimate battle of cowjackoff and meme king


	13. Parallel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Side by side.

Desire kept me like that.  He wouldn't let me wake up.  He wouldn't let me talk to him either.  It was like he had shut both of us off and then isolated us from each other with a concrete wall.

I was alone.  

I had done all I could, really, but I blamed myself for it anyway.  I could still feel and hear what was happening outside my body, but I couldn't speak or move or open my eyes.  Noiz and Clear had laid me down in the bed, and stayed with me as much as they could.  They had to feed me, clean me, give me water, and move me, just like Clear and I did with Noiz.  It was strange because I was never hungry, and never thirsty either.  I never got tired, but that may have been because all I had been doing was lying in bed.  It was like my body had been shut down.  I felt like a robot that needed to be charged.

Clear would climb in bed with me when Noiz was at work and hold me and talk to me and sometimes sing to me.  Sometimes he would tell me about how he was scared to leave the house without makeup on, and that Noiz didn't have time to put it on or teach him how to.  He also told me that Noiz seemed really sad without me there.

"He doesn't talk as much," Clear said.  "He doesn't want to do anything other than work either.  He misses you, Aoba-san.  I miss you too."

When Noiz got home, he laid with us as well until Clear had to get up to make dinner.  I felt the bed creak as he stood up and told Noiz what he was doing.

"Okay."  Noiz shifted closer to me.

A few minutes after Clear left, I felt the bed move again.  Someone, probably Noiz because I didn't hear the door open, kissed my forehead and then my lips.  He didn't say anything.  He just settled back down next to me.  "Aoba," he breathed.  "Wake up."

_I know, I'm trying._

* * *

I woke up at what I thought was a few days later.  It was weird, though, because I didn't experience anything particularly traumatizing or scarring like Noiz seemed to.  I didn't wake up screaming and crying either.  I felt weirdly out of place, and I didn't know what it was that was making me so uneasy.  The feeling went away if I ignored it, so I didn't really pay much attention to it.

I realized that I was alone, and I was still wearing the same clothes from when I collapsed, which was unusual because when Noiz was unconscious, Clear made a point to change his clothes every day even though it wasn't really necessary.  I went out into the living room, feeling as if I was walking in someone else's body.  They weren't there either, not even Ren.  I noticed a sticky note on the kitchen table.  I tried to read it, but my eyes wouldn't focus on the letters.

All of this should have raised a red flag in my mind but didn't.  I knew in the back of my head that something wasn't right, but for some reason I ignored it and went on without questioning anything.  

I decided to plop on the couch and wait for them to come back.  I reached for the TV remote and pressed the power button, and the TV turned on to static.  I tried to switch the channels, but they were all the same.  As if on queue, Clear and Noiz strode in the door with grocery bags in their arms.  Clear was wearing shorts and a flowery t-shirt without makeup.  Noiz was laughing about something.  They seemed happy.

Clear dropped his bags when he saw me.  "Aoba-san!"  He raced over and kissed and hugged me as Noiz set his bags down and came over.  "You're awake!"

Noiz kissed me and held my face in his hands.  "I'm sorry," he said.

"Why?"

He didn't answer me.  Instead, he lowered himself onto the couch and took me in his arms, and after a few moments, Clear joined in.  I still didn't understand why Noiz was so apologetic because none of what happened was his fault.  Nevertheless, I was happy to be with them again, to see them smiling and feel their warmth.  I was happy to see that Clear was more confident and that Noiz was functioning and happy. It seemed like we were a family again.

"Noiz-san! I almost forgot! We have frozen things!" Clear jumped up and started to unpack the groceries as I patted Noiz's back to let him know I was standing up.

"Let's go help Clear."

He nodded and stood up with me. Clear handed us several packages of food and told us where to put them. He was pretty organized about it too, which I had never noticed before. I had never heard of any of the brands he was handing me either.

* * *

Noiz said he talked to Haga-san and got me an extended leave. I really appreciated how flexible Haga-san was being, and I felt kind of bad for not being at work lately. I tried to ask Noiz why he was home from work too, but he avoided the question. The week went on with nothing particularly eventful happening, though sometimes I noticed little things that were out of place. It was a little disorienting at times, but it was probably just Desire messing with me.

There were a few instances where I heard a faint song at night, but when I looked over at Clear, he was fast asleep (or as asleep as he could be). Sometimes I would hear talking too. I couldn't make out what was being said, but it was definitely Clear and Noiz's voices. It was like there was 30 of each of them and all of their voices were being mixed together, and whenever I tried to focus on a single voice, my head would start hurting like crazy.

Clear's heartbeat was missing. I noticed when I used his chest as a pillow one night. In a panic, I sat up and said his name. "Clear."

There was no reply.

"Clear!"

This time his eyes opened. "Aoba-san? Whats wrong?"

I breathed out a sigh of relief. "Clear, your heart stopped. Is that bad?"

"It's okay," he said. "There's nothing wrong. Nothing wrong."

His reply seemed extremely out of character and made me worried. Normally, in a situation like this, he would be freaking out.

"Clear, are you hiding something?"

"No, why?"

"You-" I started. I didn't know how to explain it to him.

Discouraged, I laid back down. He said he was fine. There was no reason to be worried. If something was wrong he would tell me.

Everything had been confusing to me ever since I woke up. I may have been just imagining it, anyway. I needed to sleep. 

Sleeping had been weird for me too.  I was obviously getting rest because my body and mind functioned normally, but I never felt like I had been sleeping.  It was like I was stuck in the limbo between dreaming and living; I could hear and feel the things that were going on around me, but they wouldn't register in my brain.  Sometimes I would confuse real life with dreams.  Several times I had to pinch myself to make sure I was awake.

_Awake._

For some reason that word echoed through my mind a lot, followed by a headache that would go away in a few minutes.

I rolled onto my side, away from them, and stared at the wall.  I could feel Clear's body against my back and hear Noiz snoring slightly.  Everything was nice and warm and peaceful, and I would have been able to close my eyes if my head wasn't hurting so bad.  I was starting to hear voices again too, except this time I could hear what they were saying.

_Destroy,_ I heard.   _Destroy them._ Over and over, the same words.

  _Stop!  I don't want to!  Shut up!_ _  
_

They kept getting louder.  I must have passed out because the next place I remember being wasn't in our bed.  

I was floating in front of a beautiful sunset.  There was no ground to be seen, just sky and clouds painted in brilliant colors with a faint song echoing somewhere in the distance.  It was familiar and comforting and a huge contrast to the previous setting, so I found my eyelids grow heavy along my body and start to fall.  I didn't mind it, and in fact it felt nice.

I felt someone grab my wrist, and I came to an abrupt stop.  My eyes landed on Clear when I looked up.

"Aoba-san,"  He said.  "Wait.  Don't go."  He gently pulled me up, and I felt the lightness return to my body.  "I want you to stay here, where we can be the same."

"What do you mean?"  I put my hands on his waist to steady myself.

"We're the same here.  I can be human like you and Noiz-san."

_Am I in his head?_ I thought.  It wasn't a long shot considering the things that had been happening lately.

"Clear. . ."

"I want to be human."

"You are to us.  More than anyone else."

"No, I want to have a real body with real skin and blood and bones.  I want my feelings to be real like yours."  He cupped my face in his hands.  "I want to be human."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like i said earlier, school has started so updates will be much less frequent but DONT WORRY i havent forgotten about these big gay babies


	14. Immer Sie: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been you, always.  
> Don't be scared.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: blood, self harm mention]

His eyes were a hazelnut color instead of their brilliant magenta.  His hair was still silver, but his porcelain skin had more pigment to it and lacked the red spots that painted it before.  So this was what he wanted to look like.  We were in his head, so he could have whatever he wanted.  What he wanted was to be human, so that's what he made himself to be.  

I didn't know what to tell him.  I could kiss him and hug him and praise him all I wanted, but that wasn't going to change the fact that he was a robot.  His big heart was made out of metal and artificial tissue, and he was aware of that.

"Aoba-san."  His hands went slack and fell along with his voice.  "I'm not real."

"Clear, what are you even talking about?  Of course you're real!"

_Destroy him._

"You're real and important, and we love you!"

_Destroy him._

"Stop saying things like that, okay?"

_Destroy him._

"I was probably programmed to feel like this.  It's not like it's anything unpredictable."  He smiled softly, but he was anything but happy.  It almost made me mad.

_Destroy him._

"Programmed to feel like this?  Why would you be programmed to feel like this?!"

_Destroy him._

"Why would someone give a robot the desire to be human?  They wouldn't do that!"  I touched his cheek with shaking fingertips.  "You're feeling this on your own!" 

_Destroy him._

It was getting hard to ignore.

_Destroy him._

As much as it hurt me to say, I wanted to.

_Destroy him._

The lines between me and Desire had blurred, which was exactly what I was trying to avoid.

_Destroy him._

I was going to make the conscious decision to hurt someone I loved so much.

_Destroy him._

And there was nothing I could do about it.

_Destroy him._

"I'm sorry, Clear." I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned my forehead on his chest.

"Aoba-san, what-"

Those were the last soft words that left his mouth before everything went dark and cold again.

* * *

_Well,_ I heard Desire say, _you fucked up.  That wasn't even me._

I opened my mouth to speak, but my throat was too parched to form words.  He was right, though.  It was my fault.  I felt my guilt as the sickening weight lodged in my stomach and the dryness that suffocated my lungs and crushed my chest.  I still couldn't see anything.  The floor was still cold and so was I.

Maybe this was just a dream.  Maybe I just didn't remember falling asleep.  Maybe if I blinked over and over I would wake up and Noiz and Clear would be next to me, asleep and okay.  

I wanted to know what happened.  I wanted to know what I did to him.

 _Well, since you did it, even I don't know._ He sounded amused.  How could he treat this as a joke?

I recalled him avoiding my question about his feelings for them.  Though I assumed that he loved them like I did, he never made anything clear.  It wouldn't even make sense to say that he loved them.  If he loved them, he wouldn't do this.  It didn't matter that desire was all he was.  It didn't matter that he wasn't able to deal with his feelings.  The feelings weren't even there.  He hated them, and he hated me.  Thinking about it, I began to get mad at myself for even considering the idea.  For two very distinct things, love and hate have a lot of shared qualities, but there is a line to be drawn somewhere.  

I thought about what I just did.  I hurt Clear.  I didn't know what I did, but I knew that I had hurt him.  I loved him.  I loved Noiz.  I loved them a lot, but I hurt them too.  I had to remember that Desire wasn't a separate person and that he was a part of me.

I loved them, but at the same time I was destroying them.  And that was what nagged at the back of my head every time I kissed them or touched them or held them.  It was what bolted my body to the ground, left my limbs numb and my head heavy.  It was the realization that all I was doing was hurting them.

_Look who's finally catching on.  Don't get attached to people because with you, this is bound to happen.  How many times have I even told you this?_

 I didn't want it to be this way.  I wanted to see Noiz and Clear again.  I wanted to see them smiling.

_Your fault, not mine._

There was a long pause in everything, even my own thoughts.

I felt someone's gloved hand run down my chest and a soft voice at my ear.  "Aoba-san. . ." he breathed.  

I felt myself smile.  Maybe I was just dreaming, and maybe Clear was waking me up to tell me that breakfast was ready and that if I didn't hurry up I'd miss seeing Noiz off to work.

I could tell by the strange sensation when I blinked that I was blindfolded.   _What. . . ?_

My senses were coming back to me.  I felt metal against my skin.  The faint beeping sounds were steady and lulling, and I wanted to go back to sleep.  I couldn't find the strength to move or take the blindfold off to see where I was.  My throat was still to dry to form sounds; the only thing I could do was take shallow breaths and wait.

"Aoba-san. . ." I heard Clear speak again.  "Are you awake now?  Your heart rate is rising."  

He pulled the blindfold from my face, and I squinted at the harsh light that stunned my eyes.  

"Can you see me?" Something blocked my vision, and my eyes adjusted to see Clear's face with a blank expression.  His eyes and skin were back to the way they were before.  He seemed fine.  Maybe that really was just a dream.

"You're. . . okay. . . " I managed to croak.  I brought a shaking hand to his face, and he leaned his cheek into it.

"Why wouldn't I be?  I'm more concerned about you."  His eyes looked glassy, but I assumed that it was just me.  "You had quite the adventure in there."

I didn't know what he was referring to.  Adventure in where?  There was no adventure.  The only thing I could think of was being in his head, and I wasn't even sure if that had actually happened or not.  Even if it did, it only lasted for a few minutes.

"Where's. . . Noiz. . ."  

"Noiz-san's in the other room."

"I wanna. . . see h-im"  My hand fell from his face and lazily pointed to what I thought might have been a door.

"You can't right now, Aoba-san.  You can't even sit up."

"Yeah, I ca-ngh."  I tried to prop myself up on my elbows but found it a struggle to even keep myself that way.

"Please be careful, Aoba-san.  Lay back down.  I'll take you to him before we start the procedure, don't worry."

 _Procedure?_ My heart jumped, and something clenched my stomach, causing a squeek to escape my mouth.

"Aoba-san?"

I finally noticed where I was.  My eyes and body had adjusted to my surroundings and allowed them to register in my brain.  Everything around me was stark and white, except for the table I was lying on, which was made of steel, and the machines that were hooked up to my body.  A clean sheet was draped over my abdomen, and Clear was wearing the clothes he wore the first day we found him, except they were crisp and washed and looked almost brand new.  His coat looked more like a lab coat than the cherished garment that I thought it was.  I didn't understand.  Was this a hospital?  If so, how did I get there and why?  Also, why was everything so white and clean?  Weren't they supposed to make hospitals more friendly looking?  

White is a scary color.  It was the color that was supposed to represent all that is well and good, but ended up being the last color I thought I was going to see.  White was the color of nothing, as I discovered, not black.

Clear was fiddling with a machine on the other side of the room but stopped and took on a bitter, shaking tone.  "I can't be like you or Noiz-san, so I'll make you like me."  He paused for a moment, his voice switching back to normal.  "I'll take you to Noiz-san now."

Before I could find the strength to resist, Clear scooped me up, sheet and all.  He cradled me to his chest, one arm under my knees and one around my waist, and I unconsciously leaned into him and rested my nodding head.  My guard was down, and it was the result of the familiar feel of Clear's chest and strong arms.  It overpowered the sense of uneasiness that was screaming at me, "No!  This isn't right!"  I ignored it because all I wanted at that moment was to sleep.  I wanted to sleep.  I wanted to find Noiz, and I wanted to sleep.  

The hallway was quiet and just as white as the room, and the only sound I could hear was the click-clack of Clear's shoes on the linoleum floor.  I let my eyelids droop once I realized that there was nothing to see.  Just white doors with stainless steel doorknobs and the occasional observation window.  I heard a gentle click after Clear came to a stop.  

"Noiz-san," he said in a flat tone.  "Aoba-san's here."

I forced my eyes open and searched the pale room for any sign of human color other than myself and Clear.  My eyes were caught on a hue of deep red.  That hue was Noiz.  

"Noiz!" I screeched and wriggled out of Clear's arms.  I rolled onto the floor with my legs tangled in my sheet as Clear frantically grabbed at me.

I tried to stand up but failed when I realized that my legs were too weak to hold my weight, from my sickly state or the morbid sight on the table looming above me, or a combination of both.

It was deffinitely Noiz on the table.  All I could see was his arm hanging over the edge and a blood soaked sheet like the clean one I clutched to my chest.  I knew it was him because of the unmistakable placement of his cuts, right over the old scars that I saw and kissed way too many times.

I felt my insides churn and my heart ram itself in my throat.  The room started spinning.  "Clear, why would you-"  I started before I threw up the little substance that was in my stomach, which left me gagging on my hands and knees.  I wiped my mouth with my shaking hand and started crying.  I didn't sound like me.  This voice was too broken and raspy to be me.  "Clear, why'd you let him-" My legs quivered as I used the table to support myself in order to stand up.  

Clear's hands gently supported my waist.  "It's what makes him like me.  I told you, didn't I?  I want to make you like me because I can't make myself like you.  He's not going to die, Aoba-san.  I'd never let that happen to him.  He told me this was what he wanted.  So I gave it to him."

I brought my hand to Noiz's stomach, where the worst damage was done.  "Aoba. . ." he groaned and took my hand in his bloody one.  

"Why'd you-"  I pressed his hand to my face, smearing his blood on my cheek.  "Why'd you-"  I kept choking on my words, so much so that I struggled to get even a sound out of my mouth.  "Wh- Why'd-"  Sobs racked my chest, and I started to hyperventilate.  I didn't even know what was supposed to come after those two words, but I kept repeating them until I couldn't talk anymore.  "Wh-y'd you- wh-"  His blood was warm and slick against my cheek, and it dripped down my chin onto my heaving chest.  "N-Noi-"

Noiz's body was cut up and bruised like I remembered it.  The sheet draped across him was soaked red and dripped onto the floor, along with the blood that had collected on the table and started to flow off the edges.  He gazed up at me blankly with half-lidded eyes and parted lips.  

"Aoba-san. . .  It's okay.  He's happy like this."  Clear rubbed my back reassuringly.

He didn't look happy. He didn't look like he was feeling anything.  He didn't even look human.  He looked like he was made of wax, his eyes made of glass.  Maybe it was all a sick joke, but I knew it wasn't.  And when I became completely and fully aware that this was not a joke, not a dream, I became repulsed by Clear's touch.  His fingers caused shivers to climb my back that made me drop Noiz's hand and stumble backwards, falling to the floor and hitting my head.  I must've passed out because the next thing I remembered was being on an operating table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clears bad end more like will someone pls stab me in the f uck i ng f ac e


	15. Immer Sie: Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll fix you, always.  
> Beside me, always.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: blood, self harm, eye removal]

Trying to get a bearing on where I was and what was happening, I tried to feel around with my hands but failed when I discovered that they were strapped to the table, along with my legs.  I was blindfolded again, and it was mostly silent except for a faint rustling and the occasional clink of metal in the background.  I could no longer hear the beeping that represented my life.  _Am I dead?_

Then I noticed the searing pain that pulsed in my head, which seemed to start from the corners of my eyes and spread outward.  It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life, and it threatened to knock me out again.  My hands and ankles jerked against the restraints weakly as my body tried to curl into a ball, a reflex that often did nothing to help but was all I wanted to do in that moment.  I felt a familiar lump form in my throat, and I knew I was about to cry as a croaky sob escaped my dry lips.  It shook my chest, followed by another shaky sounding noise and another erratic movement from my torso.  Each time I moved or made a sound, the pain in my head spiked.  My heart was beating way too fast, and my limbs struggled against the restraints with minds of their own, which only made things worse.

I felt a warm liquid pool in my eyes and trickle down my cheeks.   _Tears,_  the only coherent thought in my mind surfaced.  Random and obvious, but all the other thoughts in my head swam around and mixed with others.  

The tears were thicker than they should have been.  They stuck to my cheeks before dripping off the sides of my face and into my hair, which adhered to my face where it was wet.

Something moved. "Aoba-san?" It was Clear. "Aoba-san!  Oh no, you're bleeding again." Hands covered in soft fabric grazed my cheeks and wiped away my tears.  "Hold on."  He took his hands away for a second and came back with what felt like an alcohol wipe and a cotton ball.  He wiped my face with them, and a dizzy thought crossed my mind.   _Why is he making such a big deal?  They're just tears._ What he really should have been doing was something about my head.

Clear put his hands on my cheeks again. "It's okay, Aoba-san.  Calm down.  I'm here.  You're just making it worse."  I felt something soft touch my lips and realized it was Clear leaning down to kiss me.  

It was a familiar feeling that calmed my breathing on its own, despite the fact that the crushing pain almost put me under.  It occurred to me that I didn't know where I was.  Maybe I got kidnapped and Clear was here to save me.  That would explain the blindfold and restraints.  If that was true, then where was Noiz? He definitely would have come for me.  And why wasn't he trying to get me out of here?  

The blindfold was gently pulled from my face.  "Let me fix you back up," Clear said with a sweet voice.  I felt the silk slipping off my head, but the blackness that I saw didn't change even though my eyes felt like they were open. 

I blinked as hard as I could and realized that I couldn't control my eyes at all.  They felt like they were forced open, almost as if I didn't have eyelids at all.

In fact, it felt like I didn't even have eyes.

Clear dabbed at me with something wet, and despite his gentleness, it still felt like he was pushing needles into my face with each touch.  I cried out hoarsely at the first one, and he kissed me again to comfort me.  As he went on, I either grew used to it or started to slip back into unconsciousness because the pain dulled along with the rest of my senses. 

I heard an echo of a voice say something like, "You're okay now, Aoba-san.  You can sleep for a while longer," and felt the silky blindfold being carefully tied around my head again and took this as a queue to let go. 

 

* * *

 

The next time I woke up I was in a bed.  There was a soft sheet tucked neatly around my body and a fluffy pillow under my aching head.  This time there weren't any restraints on my limbs, but I was too weak to move anyway.  It was chilly despite the sheets on the bed.  I heard the industrial creaking of, what was that? A prison cell being opened?  Then footsteps.  A groan. 

"Sorry, Noiz-san," came Clear's voice.  "Aoba-san?  Are you awake?  I have Noiz-san.  He said he wanted to see you."

I felt the sheets being peeled from me, and I shuddered.  A limp body was placed in the bed next to me.  Clear pulled the sheet back over the both of us.  

I felt who I presumed was Noiz curl into me, his open cuts smearing blood on my skin and the ones that had scabbed over scratching me. "Ao. . .ba. . ."

I recognized his parched voice and pulled him weakly towards me. By then, I had lost the strength to scream or cry, so all I could do was lay there with a lump in my throat and a weight in my stomach and a bleeding boy in my arms.

_What happened to him?_

That was when I remembered.  That was when I remembered everything.  What Clear let him do.  What Clear did to me.

The color white.  The last color I saw. 

I hazily remembered Clear's perfect face hanging over me with a scalpel poised over my eyes, tracing what he was going to do in the air.

Something crossed my mind, that this wasn't him.  Something about his crisp clothing and smooth porcelain face and glassy eyes threw me off.  I realized that his skin was way too even to be Clear's.  Clear's skin had pink and red-ish splotches all over it, one of which covered the skin around his entire right eye.  I would have noticed that.  His eyes were way too dull to belong to him; even when he was upset they still sparkled.  But then I saw the two moles dotted right under the corner of his mouth and thought that this had to be Clear.  My next thought was that he must have gotten what he wanted.  He must have gotten fixed.  Someone who knew more than Noiz and I had gotten to him and fixed him the way he wanted.  They must have cleaned his clothes too.  Maybe we should have gotten help sooner.  Maybe he would have been happier.  I hoped he was happier now.

He said that Noiz was happy like this.  Maybe that meant that he was happy too.  I decided that I didn't want to get in between them and their happiness anymore, so I'd just submit.  I probably deserved it anyway.

That was the point where my memory stopped recording and didn't pick back up until later.  It was the worst pain I had ever felt, even worse than when I woke up blind.  I remembered it now.  The feeling of what I thought was my death.  The sounds it made.  The sensation of my nerves being ripped apart.  It was paralyzing.  I couldn't even move.

Clear had taken my eyes out.  Clear had handed Noiz a knife and told him to do what he wanted.

It seemed impossible, but it was true.  This couldn't have been the same Clear that wore frilly dresses and liked to prance around the apartment.  The Clear that made us fancy dinners for nothing in particular and got teary-eyed over  _The Little Mermaid._ The Clear that freaked out when he told us he loved us.  The Clear that sang us to sleep even when he was exhausted.  The Clear that wanted to take both Noiz and I to and from work because he wanted to hold his umbrella over our heads.  The Clear that seemed to love everything about us wholeheartedly without reservation.  The Clear that I ruined.

Noiz shifted in my arms, and I felt his body tense up.  A moan escaped his mouth and turned into a broken laughter.  He was getting pleasure from this.  I knew he had a thing for pain because even when he was perfectly fine he would ask me to scratch and bite him more when I was nearly breaking his skin.  I couldn't help but think that was my fault too.  If I hadn't destroyed his mind, he wouldn't be like this.  All that this situation was doing was bringing back the very thing I seeded in his mind.

I ruined Clear.  I ruined Noiz.  It played over and over in my head.  I ruined them.  This was what it was going to take to keep them happy, and since everything was my fault I felt obliged to comply to anything they wanted.  My head hurt too much to fight it anyway.

Clear said he wouldn't let us die.

I didn't know how long I was there.  It felt like days.  Noiz kept rubbing against me and moaning and didn't stop.  When Clear came to get me for whatever reason, I let him pick me up with no resistance save for my hand that was clinging lightly to Noiz's arm.  It didn't take much effort to get me to let go.

I didn't know where he was taking me or what Noiz was going to do without me there.  Eventually, he set me down on a smooth, cold surface.  Another operating table.  I wondered what he was going to do this time.  I felt a pair of hands on my waist and someone's lips on my neck.  "I love you, Aoba-san," Clear whispered in my ear.

I didn't understand the concept of love anymore.  Clear loved us but did the unthinkable.  I loved them, but all that was doing was making things worse.  If that was the case, was it even considered love?  What was it?  It hurt my head to think about it too hard.

"I'm going to inject you with anesthesia for this operation Aoba-san.  I don't think you'd live through it if I didn't."

I heard rustling noises on the other side of the room.  A few minutes later, something cold and wet was wiped on my arm and a needle was pushed into my skin.  It was taken out a few seconds later, and a few seconds after that, I began to feel woozy and the sounds of Clear working in the background as well as the feeling of the table under me began to fade.

I felt a soft surface like a bed under me after a few minutes.  It smelled familiar, but I couldn't pinpoint what it was.  I was wearing clothes.  They felt familiar too.  I was surprised to discover that my attempt at opening my eyes had worked; a ceiling was now blurring into view.  All I did was lay there, breathing shallowly.  I didn't call for help or wonder how I got there.  Nothing really made sense, but nothing had made sense recently.  I wondered where Noiz and Clear were.  I heard voices in the other room.

I heard footsteps a while later.  Then a door open.  I didn't bother to lift my head to see who it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont think the sads are over its j us t be gin nig n
> 
> u know i went into this thinking that it would be a fun addition to the fandom bc there's p much no noicleao but n o
> 
> i t s n o t f u n


	16. Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lost my trust for them.

The next thing I knew, my breath was being squeezed out of me by Noiz's iron grip around my waist.  He was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding my limp body upright and almost pulling me on top of him.  I felt him press kisses to my neck and bury his head in my shoulder and heard him murmur things like "You're awake," and "You're okay," which confused me because I wasn't conscious enough to be considered 'awake', and I certainly was not okay.  My chin was resting on his shoulder, and my eyes were half lidded and not really focused on anything.  Nothing that was happening seemed to be registering in my mind except for the fact that Noiz was holding me and I had my eyes.  I brought my hands up and gently rested them on his back, which made him hug me harder.

He pulled back and cupped my face in his hands. "Aoba," he whispered.

I had a hard time looking him in the eyes.  In fact, I had a hard time looking at anything.  He kept stroking his thumb across my cheek, probably trying to get me to look at him.  My eyes were caught, however, by his arms.  Cuts were spreading all over, and they gradually got larger as I stared at them.  I took his right arm and pulled it closer to me, gently touching his cuts and making whimpering sounds at the back of my throat.  "N-Noiz. . ." I choked.  "You-your. . .  Arms. . ."  I clutched his arm to my chest and started to cry.

"Aoba, wait, what's wrong?"

"There're cuts. . .  A-all over. . .  Noiz!"  I was struggling to get my words out now.

"What are you talking about?  There's nothing there!"

"Th-they're-Noiz, stop!"

"Aoba, why are you-"

"Aoba-san?"  I looked up and saw a tall, pale figure standing in the doorway.  It was Clear.  

 _Clear._ He hurt us.  He was coming over to the bed.  He was going to hurt us more.  

That was when I remembered that I didn't care anymore.  I was going to let him do what he needed to be happy, and Noiz liked it anyway.  I held back my tears and loosened my grip on Noiz as Clear jumped on me with open arms.  His weight pushed me on my back, and I thought that maybe he was trying to crush me.  I made a startled noise, and he immediately scrambled off of me.

"I'm sorry, Aoba-san.  I just-"  He stopped mid sentence and covered his face with his hands, and I couldn't tell if he was crying or if his shoulders were just shaking.

I remained in my position on my back and stared blankly at the ceiling.  Noiz shook my shoulder.  "Aoba," he said.  "I need you to sit up."

I didn't want to.  I wanted to go back to sleep and hopefully not wake up, so I wouldn't have to feel whatever they were going to do to me.

"Noiz-san, is he gonna be okay?"

A sigh.  "I don't know.  I mean, what are we supposed to do?  I wasn't like this.  After you guys calmed me down, I was fine."

"Should we just. . ."  Clear paused for a moment.  "Should we just leave him be for a little while?"

"No.  If he's gonna be like this, I don't want to leave him by himself.  He might do something stupid."

Their conversation was just background noise to my hazy staring contest with the ceiling fan.  They exchanged another set of words that didn't seem to completely reach my ears and only caught my attention when Noiz snapped, "I don't know, Clear!  Just be quiet for a second!"

"I'm sorry," Clear whimpered.  He turned to me.  "Aoba-san, can you hear me?  Can you sit up?"

When I didn't respond, he gently pulled me up by my upper arms and wrapped his arm around my waist.  I thought about how he wanted to make us like dolls.  As far as my mentality went, he had more or less gotten his wish.  Any hope or desire for myself or for anyone except Clear and Noiz had been erased from my head.  I wondered why he wasn't happy.  This was what he wanted.

Noiz was still bleeding, and cuts had begun to open up on his face.  He didn't look happy either, but this was what he wanted.  

I gave them what they wanted, but they still weren't happy.  I didn't know what else I could give, so all I did was sit there.

"He's shaking, Noiz-san.  What should we do?"

"I don't know."

Clear slid off the bed and sat on his knees so that he was now in my line of vision.  His eyes flickered red every few seconds, and I didn't know if I was imagining it or if it was actually happening.

"Don't hurt me. . ."  It slipped from my lips, just barely above a whisper.  I didn't even know it was me at first.  "Don't hurt me.  Don't hurt me.  Please don't hurt me."  It kept coming out of my mouth, even though I didn't care if he actually hurt me or not.  "Don't hurt me, please.  Don't hurt me.  Don't hurt me."

"Hurt you?  Aoba-san, it's us!  It's Clear and Noiz-san!  We'd never hurt you!"  He put his hands on my knees, eliciting a jump from me.  He was yelling.  "It's just us!"

I scrambled back and drew my legs up close to my chest, my first real movement since I woke up.  

Why was I doing this?  I had told myself that I didn't care.  I had told myself that it wasn't worth it to put up a fight.  So why was I trying to protect myself?

The words kept spilling from my mouth, and I couldn't get them to stop.  I couldn't get myself to stop shaking.  I kept pulling at my hair.  That was when I realized that I didn't want to die.  I didn't want to get hurt.  I wanted to keep my eyes and arms and legs.  I wanted Noiz's cuts to go away, even if he didn't.  And most of all, I wanted Clear to stop.  I wanted him to go back to the way he was.

"Aoba," Noiz grabbed my arm, and I flinched.  "Aoba, what's wrong?"

I couldn't answer him.  I couldn't get anything out of my mouth except for "Don't hurt me."  It felt like my mind was shutting down.

"Aoba!"  Noiz was getting louder, but I still couldn't find it in me to respond to anything.

"Noiz-san, I'm scared.  What are we supposed to do?"

"At this point I think we'll have to-" the rest of his sentence was too quiet for me to make out.  "I mean, I don't really know what else.  It seems like he's hallucinating or something."

"Is that really our only option?"

"Can you think of a better idea?"

Clear was silent.  Noiz told him to do something and picked me up like a toddler, my body too stiff to do anything.

"It's gonna be okay," he whispered, although it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than me.  

I heard a door shut and a few seconds later, the ding of an elevator.  The doors closed after he stepped inside, and I felt him lean over awkwardly to press a button.  He was supporting me under my butt, and my legs were wrapped loosely around his waist, so if he bent down a bit he could press the button with his elbow.  The elevator dinged once again and he continued walking.  The next thing I knew, I heard the hum of a car engine.   _A car?_ I knew we owned one, but why were we using it?  Everything was within walking distance, and the traffic in the Old Resident District was an absolute mess.  Where were we going?

"Can you get the door?"  I heard Noiz's voice near my ear.

"Yeah."

There was a pop of a car door, and I was placed across what I assumed to be the backseat.  The door was shut, and words were exchanged.  A few seconds later, the door on the opposite side was opened, and my head was gently lifted and placed back down on someone's lap.  I looked up and saw the underside of Clear's chin.  He was holding my head in has lap, gently stroking my hair from time to time.

Noiz climbed in the front seat and started backing up.  I wanted to jump out of the car, but Clear held me down, and Noiz locked all the doors.  My new-found strength died down after a few minutes of struggling against Clear and banging on the windows, and I curled into a ball on the floor of the car.  Maybe if I tried hard enough I could somehow teleport myself out of the car and back home.  

 _Home._ I wanted to go home.  It had been such a long time since we'd all been there together, happy.  I missed that, I realized as I listened to Clear crying and Noiz yelling and honking at traffic.  

What happened to them?  All my sweet and loving memories of Clear had been replaced with the stark images of hospital rooms and the unforgettable feeling of having my eyes gouged out.  All I could think of when I looked at Noiz was him moaning incoherently against me and the half-conscious grin that floated to his face every time I touched his bleeding skin.

I didn't trust them anymore.  I couldn't trust that Clear wouldn't hurt us, and I couldn't trust that Noiz wouldn't hurt himself.

We pulled to a stop, and I lifted my head from my knees.  A tall building I recognized all too well stood in front of us among others that I hadn't been in before.  It was the hospital.  We were going back.  Clear was going to remove my eyes and limbs for good.  He was going to let Noiz hurt himself even more.

They pulled me out, kicking and screaming, with the help of a few people in faded green scrubs.  I didn't seem to care that I was causing a huge scene and that people were starting to take notice.  Someone must have injected me with some sort of sedative because an artificial feeling of calmness spread as one of the nurses held me down. 

The edges of my vision started blurring, and I wanted to scream, but I couldn't find it in me.  When I opened my mouth, my words came out soupy and slurred.  They didn't even sound like words, and they certainly weren't mine.  

In fact, they weren't mine.  The second they left my mouth was the second they left my mind.  Or maybe they weren't in my mind to begin with.    Something crossed my mind right before I blacked out:

Where had Desire been? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [muffled crying]


	17. It's Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know who I miss. I just want to feel warm again.
> 
> Desire thinks this is funny.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: self-harm mention]

I woke up in another hospital room.  I knew it.  They brought me back.  Clear would probably be back any minute, and who knows what he could have done with Noiz.  He'd take out my eyes again and probably do more if I didn't get out of there.  My heartbeat stared to pick up speed, and my breathing became shallow and shaky.  I scrambled out of the bed that I was lying in and fell on my knees.  I tried to get up and tripped again, except this time on the hospital gown that hung uncomfortably loose around my shoulders.  Someone grabbed my arms and pulled me to my feet.

"Hey, what are you doing?  Are you okay?"  A man wearing scrubs held me by the shoulders.

"Where am I?"

"The emergency room.  We're trying to get you an actual room upstairs sometime soon."

"I need to get out of here," I heard myself say.  

"I'm sorry, but we can't let you leave."

"Clear's gonna come back!  I have to find Noiz!  He's hurt. . ."  My voice cracked.

The man nudged me back towards the bed and let out a breath.  "It's okay.  Noiz is fine, and Clear isn't going to come back.  You're going to be okay.  I'm sitting right over there," he pointed to a chair positioned in the doorway, "so I won't let anything happen."

"Please help me. . ."  I started to cry again.

"Don't worry about it.  You're safe here."

I didn't know if I could trust him yet, but my legs were already starting to shake.  I could barely stand, let alone make a run for it.  I'm safe here.  That's what he said.  If he was telling the truth, he wouldn't let Clear near me.  I let him help me back in bed and pulled the sheets over my head as an extra precaution.  I pressed my face into the pillow to muffle the sounds I was making because I couldn't make myself stop.

A few hours later someone tapped on my shoulder.  I jumped, thinking it was Clear, but I was proven wrong when they spoke.  "Aoba," someone peeled the sheet down to my shoulders.  "I'm going to be taking care of you now."

I opened my eyes slowly and saw a middle-aged woman with nicely manicured nails hanging over me. 

"I'm gonna be over by the door if you need anything."

* * *

They had me talk to a doctor as soon as they could.  She introduced herself as Dr. Parker and told me to tell her everything that happened, so I did.  I told her about Desire and how he was me but wasn't at the same time, and I told her about what I did to Noiz and Clear and what Clear did to me.  I told her about Noiz and Clear and my relationship with them.  I told her about waking up from my coma and being completely dissociated from everything, then about the encounter with Clear in what seemed like his head and then waking up to the consequences in the hospital.

"Can you tell me more about what happened in the hospital?"

I gulped.  I didn't want to remember.

She must have noticed my discomfort.  "It's okay.  You don't have to tell me right now if you don't want to."

I nodded and stared at my lap.  I was kind of done talking anyway, as I had been doing so for thirty minutes, and she got the message when I wouldn't answer anything else.

The room I was in gave me an uneasy feeling.  Though it wasn't as colorless as Clear's, it still had the same whitewashed feel to it.  The door was kept open, and a musty green waiting room chair was pulled up and placed in the doorway for the nurse that was supposed to watch me.  The gown they made me wear was made out of stiff fabric and itched in all the wrong places, and my hair was tangled and kept getting caught on things.  The room had no windows, and the only light was from the overly bright ones embedded in the ceiling.   In short, I was really uncomfortable.

I recalled how Dr. Parker said that the whole thing with Clear and the hospital wasn't real.  That wouldn't make sense.  How could that explain Noiz's cuts or Clear's eyes?  How could that explain how much everything that they did hurt?  It felt too real.

 _Actually,_ a bitter voice piped up,  _she's right.  It wasn't real.  That hospital thing? Yeah.  That was me._

"What do you mean?!"  I couldn't tell if I was talking out loud or in my head.  My heartbeat picked up once again.

The nurse by the door turned my way.  I must have been talking out loud.

_I simulated everything from you waking up after your little "coma" to when you thought you fucked up Clear's mind and got stuck in his vile fantasy.  You didn't question a thing.  Pretty impressive, if I do say so myself._

I clenched my fists.  This wasn't happening.

_I wasn't gonna tell you, but this place is so boring.  I wanna go back home.  Are you gonna get it on with them anytime soon?  Maybe you could actually do something interesting this time?  We have a lot more sex appeal than you're actually using.  They'd be all over us if you'd give me a chance._

"What?" I hissed.

_You're too vanilla.  I want something interesting.  We haven't done anything since before Clear got here.  It's about fucking time we had a three-way with them._

He had the audacity to talk so casually in this situation, and about how he wanted kinkier sex at that.  I was still having a hard time processing what he said before.  He said that everything was in my head.  Everything was simulated.  Nothing was real.  At first, I didn't want to believe him, but it made more and more sense as I thought about it.  That would explain the dissociation after I woke up initially.  That would explain why things didn't seem to have any rhyme or reason to them and why I suddenly woke up in a hospital.  That would explain suddenly waking up with everything back and seeing Clear's eyes flicker and Noiz's skin marked with cuts.

But what about the pain?  It was easily the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life.  If it was in my head, it would only have been as bad as what I've felt up until now, right?  It's impossible for your brain to simulate something that you haven't felt, right?

 _I took some of Noiz's memories of pain, you know, like the really bad ones from when he ripped up his stomach, and I used them on you.  I didn't think it was gonna work, but I guess I'm better than I thought._ He said it arrogantly, like it was some great feat that he literally destroyed one of the most important people in my life and then used that against me.

I curled my legs up to my chest and pulled at my hair.

It wasn't real.

And that meant that Desire planned it all from the start.  He put me through all of that pain, and for what?  For fun?  Because he was jealous?

 _Because he was jealous._ I remembered when I actually tried to reach out to him and how he got defensive about it.

I wanted to scream at him, but I couldn't really scream inside my head, and I knew that if I screamed out loud they'd never let me out of there.

I screamed anyway.  A piercing, blood-curdling scream that made the nurse jump from her chair and call for help.

"YOU ASSHOLE!" I screeched into my knees.  "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FUCKING DID THAT!"  Except, I did believe it.  It made perfect sense.  He hated me and enjoyed seeing me in pain.  Whether it was out of Jealousy or just plain boredom, he was obviously getting something out of it. "YOU FUCK WITH MY MIND AND THEN TELL ME YOU'RE 'BORED' WHEN I'M FORCED INTO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE OF IT?!"  By then, I was in full on panic mode, with my entire body shaking and my words caught in my throat and my scalp burning from my clawing hands.  It wasn't much longer until someone pushed up my sleeve and injected me with something that made me stop crying and screaming and made me want to lay down and go to sleep.  At the same time, I didn't want to move from my current position, so I sat with my arms around my legs and my face pressed into my knees.

When they brought Dr. Parker back in, I lifted my head.  It felt heavy.

"So what's going on?" she said.

I was kind of dazed because the sedatives hadn't completely worn off yet even though they gave me a significantly smaller dose this time. 

Eventually, she got an incoherent explanation of what desire did.  I became more aware as I talked.

"Aoba, did anything particularly bad happen to you in your childhood? Or within the last few years, even?"

I thought immediately about the incident with Noiz.  I couldn't think of anything particularly bad that happened before that.  To be honest, I didn't really remember much of my childhood or teenage years.  How long had it been since Noiz was in the hospital?  It happened the summer of last year, and it had to at least be November, or at least it was according to the mini calendar on the counter.

November.  It was November.  How long had I been out?

It didn't matter at the moment.  I was supposed to be answering her question.

The only thing I could think about was Noiz's near suicide attempt, which was Desire's fault anyway.  I couldn't think of anything that would have triggered Desire to even become a separate entity in the first place. Although, that was his first appearance.

"Last year," my voice was shaking, "Noiz, h-he hurt himself really bad.  I thought he was going to die.  He was bleeding out and I couldn't do anything."

"Was this when you started hearing Desire?"

"Sort of. . .  He was the one that caused it.  He got into his head and messed with his memories, which was what caused Noiz to do that in the first place.  He had a bad childhood, and self-harm was a habit that he had just gotten rid of.  Desire just brought it back up.  I didn't know if he was trying to kill himself or not, but he certainly could have.  I wasn't allowed to see him until he got out of the hospital.  Desire disappeared for a while after that, but a few months ago he reappeared and hasn't left me alone."

"So you're saying that Desire somehow entered your boyfriend's head and caused him to hurt himself?"

"Yeah.  He was the one that caused the hospital thing too.  I know that wasn't real.  That was just him wanting to torture me."

Dr. Parker let out a breath through her nose.  "Well, the two that brought you in here informed me that you were in a coma for several weeks and then woke up in an extremely disoriented state.  Who were they?"

"The one with the blonde hair is Noiz, and the one with the white hair is Clear."  Clear's name felt sour in my mouth.  I knew it wasn't him.  I knew he didn't do anything wrong, but I still got jumpy even from thinking about him.

"Right.  Noiz told me that you were freaking out about cuts on his arms when there weren't any, and Clear told me that you thought he was going to hurt you."

"I still get nervous when I think about Clear," I muttered.  "I know he didn't do anything wrong and that he loves me and Noiz.  But I can't get what happened out of my head."

"That's okay.  It's good that you can recognize that it wasn't him.  It'll get better with time and probably some sort of medication.  Do you want to look at our options?"

I looked down and hugged my knees closer to me.  It was cold in that room in more ways than one, and all I really wanted was a hug and my own bed.  I knew Clear didn't mean any harm, and Noiz wasn't hurting himself anymore.  At least, that's what I hoped.  It occurred to me that I hadn't been with him to know, and I still didn't trust that Clear wouldn't let him.    

 _He didn't do anything,_ I told myself.   _It was all Desire._

"Well, there could very well be several problems here," she said after my silence.  "If you weren't having any complications right before the coma, that could potentially be concerning, so we should probably run a few tests.  It is normal for some people to have extremely vivid dreams during a coma.  As far as the episodes you've had in the last day, that could be a few things, possibly along the lines of schizophrenia or maybe even psychosis.  I'm pretty sure you have something called dissociative identity disorder, which is basically, in your case, when the mind separates a part of itself in order to cope with something.  Some patients do experience hallucinations and panic attacks with this, so that might be the origin of your episodes, but it's best to look into it just in case."

I started to feel sick as she rattled off all of the things that could possibly be wrong with me.  I had an explanation for all of these, but what if I was wrong?  I wasn't about to guess.

_What do you mean 'what if I'm wrong'?  I'm real.  Do I need to prove my existence or something?_

_Shut up._ I made sure I wasn't speaking this time.   _I thought you wanted to get out of here._ I found myself digging my nails into my legs and let my hands drop.

 "It sounds like your mind created this separate 'personality', Desire as you called him, to cope with the fact that Noiz hurt himself.  What I think happened was that you didn't want to recognize that he wanted to do that out of his own free will, so your mind basically tried to rewrite reality for yourself, using this new entity, Desire."

Hysterical laughter echoed through my head.   _I swear to fucking God. . ._

I tried to ignore him.  For once I was sort of on the same page with him, and there were so many things I wanted to object to, but I just sat there staring at the sheets.  If I said anything, they'd probably just keep me here longer.  The best I could do was comply and try to keep my quarrels with Desire quiet.

"I know this sounds like a lot.  I can start you on medication, and we can see how that goes, but I do want to keep you here a little longer for observation."  She stood up from her chair and held her hand out for me to shake.  I stared at it for a moment, forgetting basic social etiquette, before weakly shaking it.  "I will see you again soon.  It was nice meeting you today."

"Mmhm."  I made a small noise in the back of my throat to acknowledge her goodbye and laid down as she left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its funny bc when i started writing this i was like "this is gonna be so fun and cute i love noicleao!!!1!!11!"
> 
> ha h a
> 
> noicleao is P A I N


	18. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am loosing control of everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know how to like. tag this as a trigger, but heads up Aobas still in the hospital, and he's a little depressed so.

The same nurse from earlier shook my shoulder.  I sat up to see her holding a small Styrofoam cup of water in one hand and a white pill in the other.

"What's that?" I brushed my hair out of my face and adjusted the hospital gown which had fallen off my shoulders in my sleep.

"It's your new prescription.  Here."  She handed me the cup and pill, and I stared at it.

Where they really putting me on medication?  I guess It never dawned on me that I was here for mental illness and that this meant that the doctor was here to perscribe me medication for the apparently fictitious entity that I had fabricated.

According to Dr. Parker, Desire was a coping mechanism for dealing with Noiz's problems.  I took this as a sort of accusation, and I found myself getting angry as I stared at the pill in my hand.  Desire was real.  He messed with Noiz and tried to mess with Clear, and he put me in the hospital.

The nurse stood there, probably waiting for me to take it.  I looked over at the huge digital clock on the wall.  It was three AM.  She was probably exhausted.  She probably just wanted to go home, and I did too.  I was miserable there.  All I did was sleep and get upset when people tried to talk to me.  I decided to take the pill because maybe if I did it would get us both home faster, and maybe it would somehow get Desire to shut the fuck up for once.

_That's not gonna do anything._

_Shut up,_ I grumbled.   _It'll get us out of here faster.  As long as you don't cause any problems, that is._

The nurse resumed her position by the door, and I laid down on my back.  I tried to fall asleep, and when I couldn't I settled for staring at the ceiling.  My thoughts wandered to Noiz and Clear.  They were probably sleeping right now.  I had to keep reminding myself that Noiz wasn't bleeding and Clear wasn't plotting to take everything from us.  No matter what I told myself, all I saw when I thought of them was Clear in his stark, bloodstained coat holding Noiz's cut up and near dead body.  Clear's airbrushed face.  Noiz getting off on his own pain.  The cold, colorless rooms.  I knew it wasn't real, but I couldn't wipe those images from my head, and it was starting to surface bad memories that were real as well.

I wished there was a switch to turn off my brain.  

I'm sure there's medicine for that.

They probably wouldn't give me any.

I ended up not really sleeping, but in the morning there was a new nurse sitting by the door, who, once I woke up, handed me a plastic basket filled with hotel-sized toiletries and walked me to the showers.  There weren't any stalls, just an open room with several shower heads lined up on one wall and grimy supposed-to-be-white tiles lining the rest of the room.  Around a corner, there was another room with sinks and mirrors and regular bathroom stalls.

The nurse introduced himself as Adrian and told me that he'd be around the corner if I needed anything.  He handed me a towel, and I picked the shampoo and bodywash out of the basket and set it on the edge of one of the sinks.

I turned on the shower and took off the little clothing I had on.  The water was cold at first, and it only heated up to a lukewarm temperature.  Hot water or not, it felt nice to wash off the sweat from who knows how long.

When I was done, I dried off and tied the towel around my waist, carefully wringing some of the water out of my hair before putting on the clean clothes that Adrian handed me.  I brushed my teeth at one of the sinks and stared at my reflection.

I looked different.  It occurred to me that I hadn't looked in a mirror since before I initially passed out.  I was still me.  My hair was still long and blue, and my eyes were still a dull hazel, but there was something about me that I couldn't recognize as myself.  Maybe it was Desire.  Or maybe I was just tired.  

I dug through the basket for a hair tie and put my hair into a bun.  Adrian took my dirty towel and clothes and brought me back to my room, where I turned on the TV and sat in the bed.  He told me that someone would be in with my breakfast soon, but I wasn't really hungry, so I didn't really care.

Later on, someone came in with a cart of test-tube-looking-things and needles.  I didn't know what this was, but it sure as hell wasn't my breakfast.  Maybe it was for Clear.  She told me that it was just a blood test and that I needed to calm down because she wasn't going to hurt me.  I wanted to know why there was someone screaming and why there was water dripping down my cheeks.  I wanted to know why she held my arm down so forcefully.  I wanted to know what that red stuff was.  It wasn't until she took a needle out of my arm that I realized that the person screaming was me and that tears were streaming down my face, not water.  I realized that she held me down so she could stick a needle in me.  I realized that the red stuff she was now carrying out of the room was my blood.

I wasn't crying or screaming anymore, just breathing heavily and sweating.  Adrian was shaking my shoulders and saying that everything was over and it was going to be okay.  Desire wasn't making any snide remarks, for once.  I felt like throwing up.

It felt like someone had taken over and wiped any rational thought from my brain.  I knew in the back of my mind that Clear wasn't here and he would never want to take anything from me anywany.  The lady worked for the hospital.  All she was doing was what she was told to do; she was told to take a blood sample from me so they could check that everything was okay with me.

I couldn't contol it, and the fact that I was loosing all control over my mind and body was enough to induce a panic attack in itself.  It was almost as if I was becoming a different person, one that couldn't handle being in a hospital setting, or a home setting with Noiz and Clear at that.  One that couldn't interact with other people without inwardly screaming at what everyone else identified as an imaginary friend, but what he identified as a part of himself that he wanted to tear from his head and never think of again because he was ruining his own life.  One that would never be able to see the two people that he loved the most in the same way.

I was beginning to realize the magnitude of this as my breathing was returning to normal.  What would happen when I got home?

I could imagine something like this happening every time either of them do so much as touch me, Clear more so than Noiz, but I was uneasy around him nonetheless.  The weird thing about this was that I still missed them.

I came to the conclusion that if I didn't get my shit together, I wouldn't be leaving this place anyway.

A doctor came in that afternoon to tell me that the blood test came back without complications and that the coma should be nothing to worry about and that I should watch for a long list of irrelevant symptoms.  I didn't really want to remember anything about those two events, so I checked out of the coversation, despite the rudeness of it.

I was woken up a three A.M. again to take my medication.  Why they chose this ungodly hour, I don't know, but the hospital in the Old Resident District was unorganized and often overcrowded, so I could see why they could have made some mistakes the processing of my prescription.

When I wasn't panicking or thinking morosely about Noiz or Clear, I was just plain cranky.  Sometimes I would snap at nurses and doctors or just plain ignore them.  I knew it was terrible and that they were just doing their jobs, and I came out of it feeling guilty and scared that maybe Desire really was trying to get rid of me.  I was twenty-four years old; I wasn't a kid anymore, and I shouldn't have been acting that way.  I blamed it on the situation and lack of sleep and hoped it would get better as I did.

Once they deemed me stable enough for visitors, they contacted Granny and told her that she could see me.  I asked about Noiz and Clear, but they said that since I couldn't prove any marital or blood relations to either of them, and there was a strict family-only policy, they weren't allowed.  Granny came as soon as she could.  I was relieved that I was finally able to talk to someone I knew and loved.

When she showed up at the door, I nearly fell out of the bed.  She was carrying my favorite bag on one shoulder and a box in the other.  She put them both down on the edge of the bed before hugging me tightly around the waist.  She asked me how I was doing, and I replied with a half-assed "good" because that's what people expect you to say no matter the situation.  She knew me too well to let me leave it at that

"Are you really?"

"No," I whispered. 

She patted my back and reached for the bag, unzipping it.  Ren's head popped up. "Aoba!"

"Ren!" I picked him up and cradled him close to my chest.  He licked my face affectionately.

"I stopped by your apartment and got him before I came.  I also brought you these."  Granny opened the box to reveal a few of her homemade doughnuts.

I hugged her again with a "thank you", and she sat in a chair while I got back in the bed with Ren in my lap and a doughnut in my hand.

"Aoba," she said, "when I went to your apartment to get Ren, there was someone with Noiz.  He had white hair.  Do you know who that is?"

I then realized that I had never told her about Clear.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if i love aoba so much why do i make him sad
> 
> i am sorry.


	19. Long Sleeves: Re

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's hiding behind them.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: self-harm]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah. HUGE emphasis on the self harm trigger. theres like a whole scene dealing w it
> 
> also poor aobs still in the hospital and p sad my poor bby im sorry

I went cold.  How was I supposed to explain that one?  Ren must have noticed my heart rate go up because he licked my fingers and nudged my palm with his nose.  I silently thanked him for not pointing it out.  

"He's. . .  Clear. . ." I gulped and tried to detach myself from the current situation, so I could come clean about it.

"Clear?"

"Y-yeah," I took a shaky breath, "he's our boyfriend, and he. . .  He lives with us now."

Granny gave me a confused look.  "Boyfriend?  Aren't you with Noiz though?"

I nodded.  "I'm with both of them.  But I'm not like, cheating on Noiz or anything; he's dating Clear too."

She sat silently for a moment like she was processing everything.  "You stupid grandson!  Why didn't you tell me that?!"

I laughed half-heartedly.  "I don't know.  I just - I didn't think you'd want to hear about it."

"You think I don't wanna hear about your life?!  You're my grandson; of course I want to hear about it!  As long as you're happy with them, I'm okay with it.  Are they treating you right? If they're not I'm gonna -"

 "Yes!  Yes, they're fine."  I supressed what I wanted to say about them because I knew that wasn't fair.  She knew about Noiz's self-harm; I knew that because she took care of me when I was depressed over his hospital stay.  But it wasn't fair to tell her about the last time it happened because it wasn't real.  The same went for Clear.

I loved them.  I loved them with my whole heart.  But I couldn't handle seeing or thinking about them at the time.

* * *

 

Granny came in as often as she could.  She brought Ren in to see me, which was always made me happy.  A few times, she asked me why Clear answered the door in a dress, or why he answered it half naked.  I tried to dismiss it by telling her that he was just being Clear.  She said that he seemed like a nice young man, weird, but nice.  One day, she asked me what was up with Noiz.

"What?" I said, petting Ren's head.

"He seems really down.  It's weird for him."

I knew where this was going, and I got scared.  She must have noticed because she tried to quip with a belated, "But I'm sure Clear's taking care of him," and much to my surprise, she said that she'd check on him because she knew how bad he could get.

I nodded.

A few days later, I got another visitor.  I thought it was Granny because she hadn't come in a few days, but the person at the door was a man with blonde hair and green eyes.

"Noiz!"  I stumbled over to him, and he hugged me.  "How did you get in here?"

"I bribed them.  It wasn't that hard."  He said it like it wasn't illegal, but he squeezed my waist like he was trying to say something else.  "I missed you," he whispered.

"I missed you too," I said, tearing up.

He noticed that I was crying and put his hands on my cheeks, kissing my forehead.  He looked exhausted.  There were bags under his eyes, and there was stubble on his chin, and his hair was sticking up in odd places.  It was clear he wasn't taking care of himself, and I knew it was my fault.  He looked away.  I must have been staring.  "Aoba. . ."  


I noticed he was wearing long sleeves, and my mind went immediately to assuming he was hiding cuts.  I almost reached for his arms, but then I remembered that he only had scars to hide, and he wouldn't hide them from me, at least I hoped.  

_That wasn't real._

I pressed my face into his neck.  It was November, and it was cold out.  Of course he was wearing long sleeves.

It was nice to smell something other than over-washed sheets and the remnants of disinfectant that constantly hung in the air.  I breathed in as much of Noiz's scent as I could so that maybe after he left I could close my eyes and pretend he was there.  He kissed my neck lightly and ran his fingers through my hair.  

I kept eyeing his wrists like I would be able to see through the fabric of his shirt, and then I remembered that he could have done it in other places.  He could have done it down the sides of his legs or on his stomach, and he could have opened old ones because there wasn't any space left.  I began to panic because there was no way for me to know; the only parts of his body that were uncovered were his hands and his face and his neck.

"Aoba, what's wrong?"  Noiz backed up.  "You're freaking out again."

I grabbed his arms because I didn't know how else to react, and I felt bad for it, but I pushed his sleeves up anyway.  "Noiz. . ."  It was up to his elbows on both arms, and it looked like he had done it all at the same time.  "Noiz!"  I was right, and for once I didn't want to be.  I wanted to be wrong.  I wanted him to prove to me that I was just paranoid.  Clear could have let him do that.  Clear could have handed him the knife.

I mentally kicked myself for thinking that.  Clear loved him just as much as I did.  He would never let him do anything to hurt himself.

"Shh!"  He yanked his sleeves back down and shot a nervous glance at the door.  "You have to be quiet, or they'll kick me out."

"Your arms. . ."  It was getting hard to control the volume of my voice.

"No, I di - Aoba, what are you talking about?"  Another glance behind him.  "There's nothing wrong with my arms."  He was beginning to take on a jumpy stance.

"You hurt yourself again. . ."

"I - I didn't, okay?  I think you're tired.  Do you want me to leave, so you can get some sleep?"

I shook my head and wiped at my eyes.  Something told me that he was lying.  Maybe it was the way he violently covered his forearms, or maybe it was the way he kept looking at the door like someone was coming for him.  Maybe it was the way his voice shook or the way he stumbled over his words and dismissed the topic so quickly.

Maybe it was the way he couldn't look at me without pulling his sleeves down over his hands, bunching the fabric in loose fists.

I held the empty hope that I was just being paranoid.

"Do you want me to stay here?"

I nodded and climbed into the bed with him.  It was kind of a tight fit with both of us, but I had my back to his chest and we fit together nicely in a way that made me feel warm and protected.  Often times when we slept like this, I felt bad because I was the older one of four years, and he was the one that grew up in an abusive household.  I wanted to protect him.  I realized then that that wasn't always possible.  Even when he had cuts all over his arms and a hollow look to his face, I still wanted him to protect me.  It was a selfish thought that I wanted to set on fire.

Yet here I was, my body weak and smelling like a mix of crappy shower gel and dissapointment.  My face was vaguely unrecognizeable.  I was pressed up against Noiz's chest like everything was okay, like we weren't at a hospital, like he wasn't hurting himself again.  I did my best to ignore the feeling and take advantage of the fact that Desire wasn't bitching about it because Noiz was warm, and I could feel his breath on my neck and his arms around my waist.

But I could also feel his breathing hitch and his grip tighten every time I moved.

I blamed Clear for letting him do it.  Then I got mad at myself for thinking that, and I realized that it was my fault anyway.  I just wanted to block anything to do with Clear or the possibility of Noiz's relapse from my mind.

I lifted his arm from my waist so I wouldn't hurt him and turned around.  His eyes opened, and he leaned over to touch his lips to mine, and I put my hand on his cheek.  Something had changed about the way he went about kissing me.  It had been a while, but I could still tell.  He was softer and slower, which was unusual for him, but it was still recognizable, and it made me feel better.  

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too."

"You should sleep."

As much as I wanted to believe him, I knew those cuts were real and that they weren't just my lack of sleep or Desire messing with me.  Desire wasn't anywhere to be seen, anyway.

I nodded.  I was tired either way.  

"I can stay for a few hours.  Clear said he wanted me to visit you, so you wouldn't be lonely."

"Okay."  I settled into his arms and tried to pretend we were at home on the couch; maybe Noiz was watching TV, and maybe I was bored and half asleep.

He kissed my forehead and said, "I might be gone when you wake up.  They'll probably throw me out." 

He was right, too because when I woke up, I was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @me why u do dis
> 
> the wording seems a bit weird to me but i couldnt put my finger on what was wrong so shrug
> 
> a little bit of deja vu from the title and summary..


	20. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I could tell myself that it wasn't true all I wanted, but you can't erase something that's been carved in stone unless you carve out everything around it.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: self-harm, alcoholism]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these triggers basically make up the ENTIRE chapter so yeah
> 
> my poor babies ;-;

After a week without incident, I was allowed to leave.  The entire three and a half weeks I was there, I was never given an actual room in the psych ward.  Apparently it was full, and the queue to get in was too long, so I stayed in the small room in the ER.  I was lucky that I had my own room though.  I could have easily had to share one with a stranger.

Noiz was the one to pick me up, and we drove home in a tense silence only to be broken by the noisy traffic that made us regret taking the car.  He was still wearing long sleeves.  I was still paranoid.   He kept tapping his fingers on the wheel.  I couldn't look anywhere except out the window.

Noiz had shown up at the hospital earlier that evening after receiving a phone call saying that I was clear to leave.  They gave me my clothes back, and I changed into them and waited impatiently for Noiz to come.  He came in to see me sitting stiffly on the bed picking at a hole in my jeans.

"Hey."  He leaned against the door frame.

I looked up.  "Hi."

"Ready to go home?"

I nodded and stood up, giving him a weak hug.  The atmosphere then was completely different from last time I saw him.  Everything felt uncomfortably muted, and it seemed like there was a wall between us that hadn't been there before, not to mention the fact that I was going to see Clear for the first time since I woke up.

Noiz slipped his arm around my waist and led me out of the building, giving me a kiss before getting in the car.

It was twenty minutes into the car ride when Noiz broke our silence.  

"Clear wanted me to tell you he loves you."

I nodded and continued staring out the window.  "I love him too."

We stopped, stuck in another traffic jam, and Noiz turned to look at me.  "I love you, Aoba."

I couldn't bear to glance at his face for more than a second because the forlorn look on his face made my chest hurt.  "I love you too," I said, staring at my lap.

We started moving again, and Noiz's gaze returned to the road.  It was getting dark out, and the sky was turning a purple color with an orange overlay of light pollution, creating the trademark night sky of Midorijima.  

Noiz pulled into the parking lot of our apartment complex after thirty more minutes of silence, parking the car with his usual asshole-that's-almost-halfway-over-the-line technique, which was probably the result of only driving once a month or so.  My hands started to shake on our way up to our floor, and as we stepped into the hallway, I shoved them in my pockets.

Clear greeted us at the door by jumping off the couch excitedly and running up to us.  It wasn't until I stumbled backwards and held my hands up to stop him that his face fell along with his spirits.  There was a moment where no one spoke or moved until I stammered, "I-I'm sorry," and muttered something about taking a shower.  I pushed past them and ran into the bathroom, locking the door and leaning against it.

Clear didn't deserve this.  He did nothing wrong, yet I was cowering away from him like he killed someone.  He didn't even resemble the Clear that Desire created.  His hair was curly and bouncy, and his eyes were pink.  His skin was discolored in places, and the faces he made were genuine.  The fake Clear's hair was flat and looked like plastic, and his eyes were red.  His skin was an unsettlingly consistent white, and his face seemed to be permanently set in an emotionless state.

But the thought that Clear was out to get me was permanently engraved into the inside of my skull, along with a reminder of everything that I had done wrong the past few months.  I could tell myself that it wasn't true all I wanted, but you can't erase something that's been carved in stone unless you carve out everything around it.

_You can't erase something that's been carved in stone unless you destroy everything around it._     

I turned on the water and took off my clothes.  There was a knock at the door just as I was taking off my pants.  

"Aoba," it was Noiz, "are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want clean clothes?"

"Sure."

"The door's locked."

I kicked my jeans off my legs and opened the door.

Noiz handed me a neatly folded pile of clothing, probably Clear's doing because Noiz couldn't fold anything to save his life.  "You sure you're okay?  You're shaking."

I didn't realize until he pointed it out.  "I'm fine."

"Okay.  Don't lock the door, though."

I nodded and pushed the door shut, setting the clothes on the counter.  

* * *

 

I did my best to not bring them down.  Clear was sleeping on the couch every night because I couldn't trust him while I was asleep.  I didn't let him touch me.  I couldn't be left alone in the same room with him.  He said he understood when he would reach out to hug me and I would shove him away in a panic, but I could tell It was taking a toll on him.  His voice and eyes were starting to glitch more often, and he was starting to cover his body a lot more than usual, which seemed to be his number one coping mechanism.

 Noiz was getting bad again, and it was my fault.  I noticed that the number of cuts on his body were increasing almost daily.  He wasn't taking care of them correctly either; there were several instances where I found blood on the sheets because he didn't bother to stop the bleeding.  I'd point it out to him and ask him what he was using because I was positive that I had locked all of the sharp things up except for two razors, which Noiz and I used respectively, and the kitchen knives, which Clear had hidden.  He would always dismiss it as me hallucinating or just flat out ignore me.  I couldn't really do anything about it because there was always the possibility that I really was hallucinating. 

He'd come home from work late at night with a flushed face and a loose tie and the sharp smell of alcohol on his breath, stumbling into the apartment and babbling about how sexually frustrated he was.  On other occasions, though, he'd start crying about how Clear and I weren't getting along anymore and how he loved us so much and just wanted everything to be okay, and it broke my heart.  He looked so miserable like that, sobbing violently with his knees hugged to his chest and tears streaking his face.  It was a side of him that I hadn't seen in a while.

Noiz was beginning to scare me, and not for the reasons Clear did.  He reminded me of the eighteen year-old Noiz who sought to drown his sorrows in illegally obtained alcohol and kitchen knives.  Eighteen year-old Noiz was the Noiz that went out drinking pretty much every night and often came back with several bruises and a black eye.  Eighteen year-old Noiz thought he was invincible until he came home sobbing with broken knuckles and an eye so swollen he could barely see, so intoxicated that he couldn't stand upright.  And then the process would repeat after a hangover the next day.

I hadn't seen Noiz like this since before he went to the hospital, before he decided he wanted to get better.  Alcohol only either enhanced Noiz's already hyperactive sex drive or spiralled him down into this abyss that he couldn't seem to get out of; there was no inbetween.  It was always something that had to be waited out; I'd get him cleaned up and treat his wounds and hold him until he stopped crying.  By then he'd be too worn out to do anything, so he'd just fall asleep. 

This time around it was different.  The nervous tension between me and Clear was too much without Noiz to help balance things out, so when Noiz came home like that Clear told me that it was okay to go to bed and that he'd bring him back in a little bit.  I would move from my position in the corner of the room and slip into bed, and Clear would appear anywhere from ten minutes to a few hours later, sometimes carrying Noiz and sometimes holding his waist.  I'd jump at his sudden appearance, and Clear would know not to reach for me, but he'd put a finger to his lips and say to be quiet because Noiz was sleeping or in a bad mood.  I would watch him intently, and he'd kiss Noiz on the forehead and then blow a kiss to me.

I forced myself to go back to work because I didn't want to be home if it meant that all I was going to do was hang around the walls and be constantly on guard for no reason.  Haga-san said he was glad to see me back.  I must admit, it was a good distraction, and it almost made things seem normal, so I began to look forward to it.  I took my medicine every day, and when I forgot, Noiz and Clear would remind me.  It must have been working because I hadn't heard from Desire in a while.

Clear cracked after a few weeks.  I woke up to get some water but instead opened the bedroom door to see Noiz holding a crying Clear on the couch.

"Clear, it's okay."

"No it's not!  Aoba-san hates me, and you keep hurting yourself!  That's not okay!"

"Clear, Aoba doesn't hate you.  He's just having a hard time processing things right now."  Noiz wiped Clear's tears with his thumbs.

"Then why does he freak out when he's around me?"

"Something happened in his head.  Kind of like what happened with me that one time, but it seems like it's worse for him.  He's having a hard time differentiating between what happened there and what's happening here.  Just give it time."

Clear held Noiz's wrists.  "Well, what about you?"

Noiz sighed and looked away.  "There aren't that many, and they aren't that deep."

_So the cuts were real,_ I thought.  


"But still!"

"Don't worry about me, I-"

"But I do worry about you!  I worry about you a lot!  And there are a lot of cuts, Noiz, and some of them are deep!"

He didn't say anything.

"At least put bandages on them!  I'd do that if you'd let me!"  Clear took Noiz's hands off his face and held them.  "Just tell me when, okay?"  He was starting to cry again.

Noiz nodded and let Clear hug him.

"Do you need me to?" Clear said after a minute, standing up.

"Yeah."  Noiz stood up with him.

My heart started racing.  That meant Noiz just did it.  I could have prevented it, but I let him slip through my fingers because I wasn't paying enough attention.

I realized that they were about to come my way, and they didn't know I had been listening in on their conversation.  I tip-toed back into bed and pretended that I was sleeping while listening to what was happening in the hallway.  Someone opened the hall closet and dug through its contents.  

"Lemme see."  It was Clear's voice.  A few moments of silence.  "Noiz-san. . ."

"It's fine."

"This is pretty bad. . ."

"I said it's fine."

"Sit down there."

Another door opened and there was the sound of water running for a few seconds.

"Can you take it off?" Clear asked.

"Yeah."  There was a thud, probably Noiz banging his elbow against the wall or something.

"This'll probably sting."

Noiz made a loud grunting sound.

"Sorry," Clear said.  "Hang on."  Rustling noises.  "This'll work."

For the next minute or so, I couldn't hear anything.  

"What did you use?" Clear's voice was quiet, and I had to strain to hear it.

"A razor."

"Don't you only have one?"

"No.  I have another one."

"Can I have it?"

They were silent for a moment until Clear sighed.

"You should sleep," he said.  "I love you.  Sweet dreams."

"Love you too."

The door to our room opened, and the bed creaked, and I felt Noiz press himself to my back.  He wrapped his arm around my waist and brushed my hair back so he could kiss my neck.

* * *

 

Apparently these episodes happened almost every night; Clear would start crying, and Noiz would comfort him until he stopped.  Sometimes they talked, and sometimes they didn't.

One night, I built up the courage to intervene. 

instead of taking my usual position behind the cracked door.  I opened it all the way and creeped out.  

Clear noticed me almost immediately and tried to compose himself.  "Aoba-san, I'm sorry, I-"

Noiz turned and saw me.  "Aoba?  You're up?"  He whispered something to Clear and then walked up to me.  "What's wrong?"

"What's going on?" 

"Everything's okay.  Clear's just a little upset.  Go back to sleep; I'll be there in a minute."

"A little?  This has happened almost every night, Noiz.  I don't think he's just a little upset."  I glanced over to Clear, who had his face in his hands.

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.  "He's just having a hard time dealing with all this."

And I couldn't blame him.  I had caused so much trouble for both Noiz and Clear.  Although most of this was really Desire's fault, he was a part of me, and, therefore, my responsibility.  Clear didn't deserve to think I hated him.  He didn't deserve to be practically ignored by me.  He didn't deserve the reaction he got from me when he tried to touch me.  Noiz didn't deserve to be triggered like this.  He didn't deserve to be put in a position that quite literally made him the mediator.  He didn't deserve this kind of stress.  I was the one causing all this, and it made my chest feel empty and my stomach feel heavy with guilt.

"Let me talk to him," I said, my confidence wavering at the end of my sentence because that was easier said than done.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want me to stay with you, then?"

"No.  I have to do this.  I caused all this, and I'm gonna fix it."

"Okay. . .  I'll, um, be in the bedroom.  If things get bad I'll come out."  He walked towards our room but turned back around at the door.  "Aoba?"

I looked at him, and this time the forlorn look on his face didn't make me want to turn away.  It did the opposite.  "Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i STG THAT SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN NEXT CHAPTER U CAN HOLD ME TO THAT ONE


	21. Intimacy Minus The Intimate Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He told me in a whisper once that his favorite part of being intimate with me was how warm and safe he felt.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: discussions about self-harm and alcoholism]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so heads up theres a part where noiz and aob get it on (there was consent) but neither of them really wanted to and it was just to avoid smth
> 
> ik thats a trigger for some ppl but i didnt really know how to word that so yee

It seemed like I stood there staring at him forever before walking nervously to the couch.  

_This is the real Clear,_ I told myself.   _He would never try to hurt me.  He loves me.  He's crying because he thinks I don't love him.  The fake version of Clear would never cry.  His hair is messy.  His skin is uneven.  He looks like a real person.  He is a real person.  I need to stop being like this.  He doesn't deserve this.  He didn't ask for this.  I didn't ask for this either.  Things happen.  It's still my fault.  Then why don't I fix it?  I'm scared._

It felt like I was having a conversation with myself inside my head.  Meanwhile, my feet were moving at a careful pace, and Clear's head still rested in his hands, his shoulders shaking slightly.  I stood in front of him for what seemed like an hour but was probably only a minute.  My heart was trying to jump out of my chest, and I was scared half to death, but I knew it wasn't fair to just leave him like this.  He was clearly miserable, and I was responsible.

I stared at the spot on the couch next to him.  I was going to sit there.  I was going to sit inches from Clear, and he was not going to hurt me.  I was going to hug him and tell him that I was sorry and I loved him.

I sat next to him and tried to calm myself down.  He didn't even look up.  I took deep, shaking breaths and put my hand on his back.  He still didn't look up.  I stayed like that until I felt safe enough to continue.

I gently pulled his hands from his face, and this time he looked up at me.  I jumped even though I knew he was going to notice me.

"Aoba-san?" he whispered.

I gave the best smile the situation would allow and nodded.  "H-hey."

He mirrored my broken smile and replied, "Hi."  

I took a deep breath and reached out a shaking hand to wipe away his tears.  I tried my best to shove every bad thought that came to my mind into one corner so I could control it all.  "Y-you didn't do anything w-wrong.  I know that. . .  I know that you l-love me and that you'd never hurt me.  I-"

He was looking at me with the most sorry expression I had ever seen on his face, and the only thing about him that was moving was the glitch in his eyes that had been present since we met him.  I watched them flicker and pixelate and saw the Clear that cried when he told us he loved us for the first time.  I saw the Clear that cried over sappy romance movies.  I saw the Clear that got upset over his body image.  

And for a moment, it made all of the bad images I had of him seem like a dream.  All I could see was Clear staring back at me with painfully heartbroken eyes, our faces inches apart.  

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you too," he replied.

I didn't know to make things better for him.  I didn't know how to make up for how selfish I had been for the last month.  Maybe this semi-positive interaction was helping.  Maybe it was what I needed to be able to see him as he was.  I knew I'd never get the idea that Clear wanted to hurt me out of my head, but maybe I could box it up and shove it in a corner.  He looked exhausted.  I knew he didn't sleep when he was upset.  I knew he hardly slept at all, and I could see it in his face.  He hadn't slept since before I went into a coma, and it was all because Desire was on a downwards spiral and wanted to drag me down with him.  

I swallowed my fear and leaned in, meeting my shaking lips with his.  His lips were soft and familiar, and we stayed like that for a moment, neither of us moving until I sat back.  He blinked and stared at me, but this time it wasn't with the same melancholy look from before.  He smiled.  It wasn't a wide smile or a grin in any manner, but dimples formed in his cheeks, and his eyes stopped glitching so much. **  
**

I, on the other hand, was still pretty jumpy.  "I, uh, I'm gonna go to bed now.  N-night."  I stood up.

"Goodnight, Aoba-san."

* * *

My relationship with Clear seemed to be improving.  I was able to sit with him without too much trouble.  Instead of sticking myself to the wall when Noiz came home drunk or hurt himself, I offered to help and sometimes even handled the situation myself.  There were so many times that I wanted to talk to him about it, but he whenever it came to mind, he wasn't sober enough or was being unresponsive.   

I was so tired of walking on eggshells.  I knew that was a horrible thing to think because Noiz was doing his best, and this was probably a very triggering situation, but I also knew that I needed to talk to him about it because it was getting out of hand.

I made sure he stayed home all day one Saturday, so I could talk to him while he was sober.  

"Noiz," I said, interrupting his late night cuddle session with Clear (which I felt kind of bad for).  I took a deep breath.  "I need to talk to you."

"Why?"

"It's important."

He hesitantly rose from the couch after giving Clear a kiss on the lips and followed me back into our room, sitting with me on the bed. 

"Noiz, I, um, I'm getting really worried about you."  I pushed up his boxers a little and pointed to the cuts on his thighs.  "It seems like this is getting worse.  And also, you're drinking a lot again."

He looked away.  "Yeah, I know.  I'm fine."

"You're obviously not.  Do we need to get you help?  You know, there's nothing wrong with-"

"Aoba, seriously, I'm fine."  His voice rose, and he brushed my hand away.

"Noiz, I can't just say 'okay' and let you go on with this."

He stared at me with an irritated look on his face.

"And I know I'm not just imagining it.  I've been on medication for a long time now, and it's been working."  I took his hand.  "Seriously, Noiz.  Please talk to me."

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Well, it's important to me."

He stood up this time.  "What is there to talk about, Aoba?!  Everything's going wrong, and I'm the one who has to handle it!  It's just how I deal with it!"  Our conversation was quickly escalating to an argument.

"There are healthier ways to do that!"  

"I don't care!"

Part of me knew he was going to say that.  The other part desperately hoped that he wasn't going to go back there.  "I do!  I know you don't, but I do, and so does Clear!  Don't you know that we love you?  You're so important to us, even if you aren't to yourself."

Noiz silently sat back down on the bed and pulled me towards him.

"What are you-?!" 

Instead of speaking, he leaned in and started kissing me roughly.  I didn't know why, but I put my hands on his face and kissed him back.  I didn't know why, but when he pushed me flat on my back, I didn't stop him.  He sat on top of me, and I didn't stop him.  He kissed my neck and took his shirt off, and I didn't stop him.  He took my shirt off, and I didn't stop him.  He asked if he could touch me, and I said it was fine.  I liked it, too.  I knew this was wrong.  I was supposed to be the mature one.  I was supposed to tell him to stop using sex as a way to get out of everything because he used to do this a lot, and I caught on a long time ago.

_He's doing this to distract me,_ I told myself as I wrapped my legs around his waist and dug my nails into his back.   _He's fucking me so I won't make him talk about it.  Why am I doing this?  I could have said no._

The point was that I didn't.  I should have pushed him off and told him that sex is not the solution to everything, but I let him keep going for reasons that I couldn't even pinpoint.  I was so angry with myself.  I needed to put a stop to this, but at the same time I didn't want to anymore.  Everything seemed so complicated, and I was beginning to see the perks of the easy way out: having an orgasm instead of a lengthy argument that would probably result in a temporary but painful separation between the two of us.  So I kept moving and encouraged him to do the same.  His mind was obviously elsewhere, and all I could think of was how disgusted I was with myself because I knew better than to give in to this.   

He never lost his distant facade, and even after we finished he rolled to the opposite side of the bed instead of cuddling with me like he usually did afterwards.  I wondered what Clear was doing.  There was no question; he definitely heard us, but I was confused as to why he didn't walk in.  I wanted to check on him, but something kept me from getting up.  Maybe it was my guilt.  Maybe it was because my ass hurt.  I was too tired to think about it, anyway.

I was about to fall asleep when I heard Noiz shift and whisper something.

"What?"

"I said can you come closer."

"Y-yeah, sure."  I turned around and met him in the middle of the bed, wrapping my arms around him.  I heard a sniff a few minutes later and felt something wet on my neck.  "Noiz. . .?"

That was when he started crying.  Real crying, the kind that rattled his chest and made it impossible for him to speak and had him choking on his tears that I only normally got to see when he was drunk and beat up and tired.  But right then, he was just tired.

Out of everything that had happened that night, Noiz's tears made me feel the worst.

"I'm sorry," he bawled.  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" 

"It's okay."  I pulled his head to my chest and stroked his hair, feeling him squeeze my waist.  "It's okay.  It's gonna get better."

"I'm trying my best, I-"

"I know.  I know."  I kissed his forehead.  "It's okay."  I was getting a sense of deja vu, except this time we were naked and sweaty, and he smelled like sex instead of beer.  I felt like I was twenty-two again, and he was eighteen.

It was one of the only times I had seen him cry like that while sober.  All I could do was hold him and and run my fingers through his hair and hope that he felt warm and at least temporarily safe in my arms because he told me in a whisper once that his favorite part of being intimate with me was how warm and safe he felt.  It must have made him feel better because after he calmed down, he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //hides in the corner
> 
> //cries


	22. Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe things are getting better.

I made a habit of talking to Clear every night to improve our relationship.  It seemed to be working, and I was getting increasingly more comfortable with him each time.  Sometimes we talked about serious things, and other times we talked about random things that made him happy.  I guess it just depended on the mood.  I usually initiated the serious talks, but one night about a week later, Clear asked me a question.

"Aoba-san, last week, did you and Noiz-san have sex?"

I had almost completely forgotten that Clear was in the living room then.  We never brought it up after that night, not with Clear and not alone either.  It was one of those things that we all pretended never happened but kept at the back of our heads.  "Uh, yeah.  Yeah.  Listen, I'm so sorry abou-"

"Isn't it supposed to be special?" he interrupted.

"What?"

"When you have sex with someone, isn't it supposed to be special?"

"Well, yeah, I guess.  Why do you ask?"

"It didn't seem like it when you and Noiz-san did it.  You were arguing right before, and that's not how it's supposed to be.  Right?"

"I, uh," I rubbed the back of my neck, "it's more complicated than that, Clear."

"What do you mean?"  He looked at me with an expectant look on his face, and I knew that I wasn't going to get away with this one.

"Sometimes it's like, a coping mechanism for people."

"Why?"

"Well, I mean, because it feels good.  It's a distraction."

"Isn't that bad for you?"

I shrugged.  "As long as you're safe and use condoms and lube and stuff, it's fine."

"That's not what I mean.  I mean bad for  _you,_ like, not your body.   _You._ "

He caught me off guard.  Was it bad for me?  Was it bad for Noiz?  Probably.  Did that stop me the previous week?  No.  Why did we even do that?

Noiz did it because he was scared.

_Scared of what?_

He was scared of his feelings.  He was still running away from them after all this time.

So why did I do it?

I did it because I was scared.

_Scared of what?_

I was scared of losing Noiz, I realized.  I was scared that he was slipping back down into the clutches of everything that haunted him.

"I don't know," I said.

"I don't want you to do things that make you sad, Aoba-san.  Things like that should be happy and fun!"

"Yeah. . ."  I leaned my head on his shoulder.

"Everything seems so hard lately,"  He reached to run his fingers through my hair, but I was still jumpy about that, so when I tensed up he put his hand on my thigh instead.

"Yeah. . ."

"Aoba-san," he said after a while. "Can I hold you?"

I hesitated for a moment because I was still kind of nervous around him but then voiced a quiet, "Yes," and climbed into his lap. I sat with my head against his chest and my legs extended parallel to the couch, and he wrapped his arms around me. He was warm and soft, and I found myself letting my guard down and relaxing.

"This is nice," he said.

I nodded and yawned.  
  
I lifted my head drowsily and looked up at him. He looked back down at me and smiled. I liked how his eyes glowed a little and how dimples formed on his cheeks. I brought my hand up to his face and touched the skin around his right eye. He knew what I was touching and looked away.  
  
"Aoba-san. . ."  
  
After all this time, he was still insecure about his skin. I liked it. It served as a reminder that this Clear was real and that he loved us. It separated him from the Clear that Desire created because everything about him was way too perfect. Clear had splotches on his face, and if I took off his clothes I would find more.  
  
I loved him. And he was important to me.  
  
I gently pulled his face towards me and kissed him. It was the first time I had initiated anything since the first time I sat down to talk to him. I was slow and kind of shaky, but Clear didn't seem to mind. He put his hand on my cheek and gave me small closed-mouthed kisses, obviously waiting for me to make the next move. I adjusted my position so that I was sitting on his lap with my knees on either side of him. My heart was threatening to fly out of my chest, but for once it wasn't from anxiety. Clear was more eager than I thought because the second I opened my mouth he stuck his tongue in. I jolted back a bit.  
  
"I'm sorry, Aoba-san!" He covered his face with his hands. "Was that not okay?"  
  
It wasn't that I didn't like it; it was just that it surprised me. That kind of eagerness was something I would expect from Noiz, not from Clear. Clear was usually patient and slow with his advances, unlike Noiz, who was usually so thirsty that he would throw lingerie at my face practically every night.  
  
I pulled Clear's hands from his face. He was blushing, and his eyes were averted and glowing brightly, which was contrasted by the dimness of the room.  
  
"It's okay. I was just surprised," I whispered with a nervous laugh at the end. I leaned in again, putting my hands on his chest, and this time I was prepared.  
  
Clear didn't really taste like anything, which was still a bit weird, but he made up for it with his skill. It seemed like he knew exactly what he was doing and how he was handling me. His hands moved slowly around my body, and he sometimes stopped and lovingly kissed my neck and collarbone. He made little sighing noises, almost like he was relieved to be able to hold me like this again.

He broke away and looked at me after a while, cupping my cheeks in his hands. "I love you," he said. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."  I leaned my forehead against his.  I wanted him to sleep with us again.  "Clear, do you wanna sleep with Noiz and me tonight?"

"Really?  Of course!"  He grinned and hugged me.

"Come on."  I climbed off his lap and took his hand, leading him into our room where Noiz was playing with his coil.  "Clear's sleeping with us tonight," I said.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."  

Clear jumped into bed and kissed Noiz, hugging him around the waist.  "Aoba-san!  Come cuddle with us!"  He kissed him again.  "Noiz-san, you're so cute, you know that?  I'm so happy!"

"I'm glad," Noiz said, smiling at him.

"Lemme change first."  I dug through the dresser and pulled out one of Noiz's sweatshirts.

"That's mine."

"Suck my ass.  I'm wearing it."  I stripped down to my underwear and pulled it over my head.  It was warm and soft; it was one of his favorites, so he wore it a lot.  It was also way too big on me, covering almost half of my thighs.

"Daaaaaaaamn."

"God, shut up."  That was my favorite thing of his to wear, even if it was just a simple, pink sweatshirt with a bunny symbol on the front.  Maybe it was because he got it when we first started dating.

We went shopping one night, and he showed me his favorite store.  Out of everything in there, he picked out what I thought he would steer clear of: the pink sweatshirt with a bunny symbol on the front.  That was when I learned that he was a huge sucker for bunnies, for whatever reason.  I teased him about it the entire night until we got back to what was now our place but back then just his.  That was when he told me that if it was so adorable then I should put it on, and to his surprise, I actually did.  He told me I looked hot.

"You look cute, Aoba-san!" Clear added.

I laughed and slid next to Noiz so he was in the middle.  I was still kind of nervous, but I wanted Clear to feel better.

"Clear," Noiz said, putting his hand over his.  "I want you to actually sleep tonight, okay?"

"What are you talking about?  I sleep every night."

"Don't lie.  I know you don't sleep when you're upset."

Clear looked away and let go of Noiz.  "I don't like it," he said after a while.

"We know you don't like it, but it's important for your health."  I said, thinking of how long it must have been since he slept.  It had to be a month, at the very least.

"Can we stay up and snuggle instead?  That sounds much more fun."

"For a little bit," Noiz slid his coil off his wrist and reached over me to rest it on the nightstand.

"Yay!"  Clear rested his head on Noiz's chest and sighed contently.  "I've missed this.  I love you both so much."

We each replied with a, "Love you too," and I fell asleep quickly after that.  I woke up later to see that they were both sleeping, even Clear; I could tell because Clear's shirt was pushed up to his chest, and Noiz was using his stomach as a pillow, and he normally only did that when he was warm there.

Our relationship seemed to be getting better as time went on.  I was comfortable with Clear again.  Noiz hadn't had any relapses since the last time we talked about, and he hadn't gone out drinking either.  It seemed like everything had gone back to normal.  Noiz came back from work on time every night, and I could go to work without worrying about him.  Clear greated us happily at the door with hugs and kisses, and Noiz was back to flopping lazily on the couch to watch TV when he got home.  I went back to sitting on him and nagging him to stop taking up the whole damn couch and to go change into a t-shirt or something.  Clear went back to cooking for us and going to work with me and getting excited over shiny things and dresses.  We were okay.  Happy, even.  It was nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loOK aT tha T im capable of writing smth happy
> 
> clear is a GIANT BABY that needs LOVE and CARE and apparently to MAKE OUT w his BOYFRIENDS


	23. My Life Is Like A Video Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one that Noiz is always playing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time for the meme-off

I was feeling better.  I decided to invite Koujaku over because he had been asking to hang out with me since I got out of the hospital, and I was confident enough in my current state to let that happen.

Noiz, however, was not happy to hear this news.

"Noiz," I said as I hung up, "Koujaku's coming over tomorrow."

He made a groaning sound.  "Seriously?  Gross."

"Wait, who's Koujaku?" Clear chimed in from the kitchen. 

"Aoba's asshat of a friend."

I looked at Noiz, who was lounging in an unflattering position next to me and playing some video game on his coil.  "Be nice," I told him.  "He's a really good friend of mine.  He's coming over tomorrow."

"Really?  I'll get to meet one of your friends?  I'm so excited!"

"How long is he gonna be here?" Noiz asked. 

"He's coming over tomorrow afternoon, and he might stay for dinner.  Please don't be an ass.  It's the first time I've seen him in a while."

Clear brought our dinner over and sat on the couch with us.

"Thanks," I said.

"Thanks, Babe,"  Noiz muttered.

We ate in a tense silence.  Noiz had been pissy since he had gotten home from work, and I suspected that he was upset about something because he had stripped to his underwear the second he walked in the apartment and plopped on the couch without a word.  He usually only did that when something was bothering him.

"Is there something wrong, Noiz?  I mean, besides the fact that Koujaku is coming over," I said after putting our dirty dishes in the sink.

"No.  I'm just tired."

"Then maybe you should sleep,"  Clear suggested.

"No.  I don't want to."

Clear leaned his head on Noiz's shoulder.  "What are you playing?"

"A game."

Clear let out a frustrated sigh as I sat down next to Noiz.  

"What do you do in it?"

"It's just an old-fashioned RPG kind of thing.  I'm kind of stuck, though."

I leaned in to watch too.  

"Why are you stuck?" Clear asked.

"Well, I can't seem to defeat the final boss."

"What's that?"

"It's like the last fight of the game.  It's normally the hardest.  I can usually get it after a few tries, though."

"So why can't you beat this one?"

"I don't know.  I think it's supposed to be that way.  I think I have to do something in order to have a chance at beating it, but I don't know what it is.  I might just look it up or something."  He paused the game and pulled up the browser, typing in a few things and then reading the contents of a wiki page.

"What does it say?" Clear asked.

"I have to defeat all my allies first."

"Why?"

"It says that the game isn't even 'real'.  It takes place inside the protagonist's head.  The allies you get throughout the course of the game are actually just different thoughts disguised as people.  The same goes for the enemies.  Apparently, the last one is a huge manifestation of what they want.  So basically, I have to kill everything that this person is in order to win the game."

"Woah."

Noiz closed both of the windows and shut off his coil.  "I'm tired though.  I'll beat it tomorrow."

* * *

 I made sure they both got dressed and that the apartment was clean before Koujaku came.  I got Noiz to be more or less cooperative, meaning I got him to get off his ass and put clothes on, only to go back in our room and sulk on our bed.  I wasn't sure if this was just because Koujaku was coming over or if it was about something else.  

Every time I asked him what was wrong, he would say that there was nothing wrong and that he was just tired.  Every time I asked him if anything had happened at work the previous day, he would say that nothing happened and that he was just tired.  Every time I asked him if he was feeling sick, he would say that he was fine and that he was just tired.  When I told him that if I needed to, I could call Koujaku and have him come over another day, he said that everything was okay, and he wasn't going to make me cancel my plans just because he didn't feel good.  I asked him why he didn't feel good.  He said he felt fine.  I asked him again if he wanted me to cancel.  He said no.

Koujaku came over as planned.  Clear was the one to answer the door.  

"You must be Koujaku-san!"  He hugged him.  "It's so nice to meet you!"

"Uh. . .  Hi.  Aoba, who is this?"

I patted Clear's back and told him to settle down a little.  "This is Clear.  He's my boyfriend."

"So did you break up with Noiz?"  He was trying to hide it, but I could tell he was excited at the possibility.

"Still here, Fucknugget,"  Noiz said in a monotonous voice from the living room.

"Be nice," I warned.

"Fucknugget?  What the hell kind of an insult is that?"

"You too, Koujaku.  Noiz, come over and say hi."

"No."

I sighed.  "Come on-"

"It's fine.  He doesn't have to."

I sighed again.  "Anyway, why don't you come inside?"

 Clear and I sat on the couch on either side of Noiz, and Koujaku sat in an armchair.  Clear leaned on Noiz, who was still playing the same game from last night, and pulled his knees up onto the couch.

"So, Koujaku-san, what's your favorite color?"  Clear immediately began the conversation.

"Uh. . . blue I guess."

"What's your least favorite color?"

"Red."

"Then why are you wearing a lot of it?"

Koujaku tensed up.  I had always thought that red was his favorite color since he wore a lot of it.  There was a lot of red in his house too.  If it was his least favorite color, why would he surround himself with it?

He gulped.  "I-"

"What's the matter, Old Man?"  Noiz smirked.

It seemed like Koujaku was actually getting upset.  "Can we just-"

"What?" Noiz taunted.

"Noiz-san. . .  Don't be mean."

"Okay, new topic."  I tried to keep the peace by changing the subject.  I didn't know what was getting him so worked up, but at the same time I didn't want to press the issue.  Koujaku calmed down a bit once Noiz went back to playing his game.  

Koujaku and I echanged stories while Clear kept trying to cheer Noiz up by snuggling with him and hanging on him and giving him kisses on his cheek and neck.  Noiz continued playing, and Clear eventually got tired of trying to get him to pay attention to him, so he plopped his head down in Noiz's lap and curled his legs up.  Noiz reached a hand down to play with his hair, which earned a happy sigh from Clear.  

Clear kept asking random questions like, "Where'd you get that hairpin?  It's pretty!" and "Why don't you like Noiz-san?  He's so adorable!"  The latter of the two obviously provoking a long string of insults and swears that I managed to stop before it erupted.  Clear then shamelessly talked about our embarrassing stories, much to Noiz's demise and Koujaku's amusement.  Eventually, Noiz got him to relax by running his fingers through his hair.  

Eventually, Noiz got up saying that he had to "take a shit" and walked around the couch to get to the bathroom.  A few minutes later, he emerged but stopped behind the couch.  Kojaku was making a sour face, so I turned around to see what he was doing.  Noiz pointed at me and then made a loose fist with one hand and aggressively thrusted his pointer finger in and out.

I slapped his hands down.  "Stop that!  Quit acting like you're twelve, and sit down!" 

He snickered and sat back down between Clear and I.  

"What does that mean?" Clear asked innocently.

"Nothing.  It means nothing," I glared at Noiz.

"It means I fuck Aoba a lot."

"NOIZ!  I'm right here!"

"Oh,"  Clear mused.  "That sounds nice."

"CLEAR!"

"It is.  He's got a nice ass."

Meanwhile, Koujaku was laughing his ass off across from us.

"If you guys are gonna talk about my ass, can you at least do it when Koujaku's NOT HERE?!"

"No," Noiz said flatly with Clear giggling on his side.

This was, however, the first time I had ever seen Koujaku and Noiz smiling in the presence of each other.  For once they weren't screaming, and that was a relief.  If their temporary state of peace was over my ass or my embarrassment or whatever, so be it.

Clear made dinner like he usually did, and the behavior of Noiz and Koujaku declined to that of a couple of angry ten year olds.  For some reason, Clear made an extra plate of food.  He sat down with that extra plate of food.  He began eating that extra plate of food, and my fork fell out of my hand.  I didn't know Clear could eat.  Over the five months we'd known him, he had never eaten a thing.  He didn't need to, or so he said.  Maybe it was that he didn't need to eat, but he had the ability to in case he needed to appear "normal".

Maybe it was that this was another thing about his health that he was ignoring.  Like his sleep.

Noiz seemed less than surprised, and I realized that Koujaku was looking at me oddly.  I remembered that Koujaku didn't know about Clear and that Noiz was probably pretending that this was normal and that I probably should have been too.  I unsuccessfully tried to compose myself and brush it off as my hand slipping.  Noiz unintentionally covered for me by throwing a grape at Koujaku, who slammed his fork and knife on the table and glared at him.

"You fucking asshole!  What was that for?!"

"Just 'cause I can't stand you, that's why,"  Noiz taunted.  

Clear seemed too preoccupied with eating "normally" to see what was going on.

_I have created a monster,_ I thought.

Eventually things got too hectic to handle.  "Noiz!  You've got to be  _fucking_ kidding!  You are twenty goddamn years old!  Twenty year olds  _do not_ throw entire bowls of pasta at people!  Maybe you need to cool down or something; I don't know, but this is getting ridiculous!  I want you to sit in our room and chill for a little bit and then come back out when you feel like you can act like a civilized adult."

Noiz rolled his eyes and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Koujaku left after dinner, even though Clear insisted that he stay and watch a movie with us.  It was probably better that he left anyway because I wanted to talk to Noiz, and I was also worried about what he was doing in there.  Koujaku didn't leave without hugging me and saying that it was good to have me back and then receiving a bear hug from Clear.

I shut the door behind him and leaned against it.

"Aoba-san, what's wrong with Noiz-san?"

"I don't know.  I was gonna go check on him."

"Can I come?"

"Sure."

 I quietly turned the doorknob and peeked in.  The lights were off, and Noiz was sitting on the bed in his underwear leaning against the headboard.  The blue-ish light from his coil illuminated his face in a way that made him look five years older.

He looked up as Clear peeked over my head.  "Yeah?" he said flatly.

"Just checking on you."  I pushed the door open all the way, and I could've sworn that Noiz hissed at the light flooding into the room.

"Why?"

"You've been acting kind of weird."  I sat on the bed next to him, and Clear followed suit.

"So?"  He hadn't looked up from his game.

"Well, we're worried about you," Clear said, leaning on him and kissing his neck a few times.

"I just don't like being around Koujaku."

"You were like this yesterday, though,"  I countered. 

Noiz shrugged.  "I'm tired."

"If you're this tired, maybe you should take off from work," Clear suggested.

"No, I can't.  There's a lot going on right now with, like, the holidays and shit, so I'm just really stressed about it."

I suspected that it was more than that, but there was no use in bothering him about it.  I sighed and leaned over to kiss his forehead, and he kissed me on the lips.  Clear watched him play while I got up to change and settled back down into bed in a t-shirt and boxers.

"My family wants me to go back to Germany for Christmas," Noiz muttered after a while.  "They got a hold of me at work yesterday, which is what I've been avoiding since they found out where I am.  They said they love me and miss me and want me to come 'home'.  Apparently they have connections to my workplace, so that's how they found me."

That was such bullshit.  Noiz's relatives had the nerve to leave him locked inside a room for his entire childhood and expect him to come back to them without even an apology.  They treated him like a mistake for his entire life and only realized that they were wrong when he did what they'd call "making something of himself".  That was also a load of bullshit because he was already someone with a heart and a mind and feelings even though he was told time and time again that he was worthless and unwanted.  The only thing he did was become a businessman, which, to the eyes of many and apparently his parents, was the pinnacle of success, therefore finally making him worthy of their belated attention.

"Do you want to go?" I hoped he'd say no.  That could only make things worse at this point.

"No.  I hate them.  But they won't stop bothering me.  So I might go just to get them to shut up."

"Can't you just tell them that?" Clear added.

"They won't listen.  I'm probably gonna go and then be as much of an asshole as I can, so they'll see that I'm not any better and then stop contacting me."

"That's a horrible idea," I said.

"What?  Why?  I can't really do anything else."

"You're just gonna make things worse with them."

"That's kind of the point."

"I'm just - I'm just worried you're going to get triggered again, and you're just now getting better, and I don't want you to get back into that, and I -"

"It's okay.  I'll be fine.  It's just some dumb Christmas thing, and it's only for a few days."  He saved his game and shut off his coil, sliding it off his wrist and reaching over me to put it on the bedside table.  "We don't even celebrate Christmas, and I have, like, two weeks off from work, so we'll still get to spend time together.  Plus I'd bring both of you because they think I'm single and would have a fit if I had anything but a wife and two children, so I can't wait till they see my two boyfriends.  I mean, if you're comfortable going, that is.  If not I'll just show them pictures of us being really really gay, which will probably piss them off too."

I couldn't keep him from going if he really wanted to.  I was still really nervous about it, but the thought of letting him go alone made me more nervous, so if he did end up going, I would go without question.  "When is it?"

"It's the twenty-third to the twenty-sixth."

I sighed.  "I don't know.  Let's just decide later."

Clear reached for Noiz's hand and then for mine.  "I'll do whatever will make you guys happy."

"Can we kiss for a little while?" Noiz asked quietly.  "That helps."

It wasn't like him to ask about things like that.  Usually, when he wanted to make out with us, he'd just start kissing us softly until we got the message, or he'd start with no warning.

Clear grinned and nodded.  He leaned over and started kissing Noiz's neck, except this time he was slow and sucked on his skin a little instead of just giving him little pecks.  I put my hand on his cheek and shifted to my knees and kissed him.  As we continued and switched positions every so often, I felt Noiz's body relax, and it made me feel nice that kissing us made him feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> doNT THInK I FUCk GI NG FOr GO ^t ab oU:T jaCKOFf


	24. Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love living now, and I feel like I have a purpose with you. I don't want to lose that."
> 
> [Trigger Warning: Discussion about suicide/death]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no here it is

We ended up kissing for a while, and after that we didn't really want to do anything else, so we layed in bed together.  Noiz asked if he could stay in the middle, which was also kind of an out of character thing for him.  Maybe he was just getting better at showing vulnerability.  I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed his neck.  Clear got up to change, then crawled under the covers, pressing his body close to Noiz.

Noiz was snoring within ten minutes, and Clear was quiet with his eyes closed, but I was having a hard time sleeping.  I sat up after a while and looked down at them.  They were latched onto each other and looked fast asleep.  I smiled and leaned over, kissing Noiz's cheek and then Clear's forehead, and I lifted his shirt up and felt his stomach to see if it was warm like it usually was when he was sleeping.  It was, and I was proud of him because I knew that for one reason or another, he hated sleeping.

I decided to get up to get something to eat, settling for a bland bowl of oatmeal after rumaging through our almost empty pantry.  I made a mental note to get groceries sometime soon.  The microwave beeped, and I sat on the counter and mindlessly ate it, not really tasting it as it went down my throat.  Not that there was much to taste anyway.  I didn't even really like oatmeal.

I wondered where Desire was.  How long had it been since I heard from him?  The last time he did anything, I was in the hospital.  It was when he was complaining that he was bored and that I wasn't having enough sex or whatever, and I told him that he needed to shut the hell up if he ever wanted to get out of there.  That was the last time I remember him directly interacting with me, at least.

I wondered if he was still there, or if the medicine was working and caused him to dissapear, and I considered the idea that maybe it was just supressing him.  Maybe he was just tired, or maybe he was just done bothering me alltogether.

I tried talking to him.  I sat there for about ten minutes talking to myself before I heard a door open and saw Clear emerge from the hallway.

"Aoba-san," he whispered with a yawn, "what are you doing?"

"Shit, sorry, Clear,"  I hopped down from the counter and put my bowl and spoon in the sink.  "I didn't mean to wake you up.  You can go back to bed."  I took his hand and pulled him towards our room.

"Wait, Aoba-saaaaan," he whined and tugged me back.  "I don't wanna."

"But you need to sleep."

"I did."

"Yeah, but for a little over an hour.  That's not enough."

"Yeah, it is.  I am perfectly awake."  As if on queue, he yawned again.

"Obviously not."

"You're not a robot, Aoba-san.  You don't know how much sleep I need."

"Noiz does.  Do you want me to go wake him up?"

He was silent.

"Come on.  I'll go back to bed too."  I began moving again, but Clear wouldn't budge.  I turned to look at him.  He looked scared. "What?"

"I don't want to."

"Why?"

"I'm scared."

"Of what?" I dropped his hand and faced him.

Clear shrugged and looked at the floor.

"Let's sit down."  I took his hand again and led him to the couch.  "Why are you scared to sleep?"

"I don't want to die," he said softly.

"Die?  Clear, you're not gonna die.  We wouldn't let the happen.  Even if you did, Noiz would fix you, and you'd be back to normal in no time."

He shrugged.  "It happened once, so why wouldn't it happen again?  Plus, look at me; I'm broken.  My skin is all weird for no reason, and my eyes get weird when I feel things.  I don't think that's supposed to happen."

"Noiz said that everything's fine, though."

"Well, everything was fine when I died.  I don't wanna sleep because if I'm dying, I won't be able to feel it, so I wouldn't get to say goodbye.  Last time, it didn't really matter because I didn't have anything or anyone to lose.  It was right after Grandpa died, and he was the only person I knew. But now, I have you and Noiz-san, and I don't want to lose you, certainly not without saying goodbye.  I love living now, and I feel like I have a purpose with you.  I don't want to lose that."

I noticed that his eyes weren't glitching, and neither was his voice.  In fact, he wasn't showing any emotion at all.  That worried me.  I put my hand on his thigh.  "Do you remember how you died in the first place?"

He nodded.  "It was my fault."

"How is that your fault?  It is in no way your fault.  You can't stop yourself from dying."

"But it was."

I was so tired of him putting all the blame on himself.

"How?"

He put way too many responsibilities on his own shoulders.

"I did it."

Even if it was something he couldn't control.

"What?"

Even if it was something he could control.

"I killed myself, or tried to, I guess."

I pulled my hand back and stared at him.  He stared right back at me with no expression.  "You. . .  Clear. . ."

"Yeah."  His tone of voice was that of someone who was talking about an everyday event that had happened months before.

"Clear. . . Come'ere. . ."  I held out my arms, and he leaned into me as I let out a shaky sigh.  

"If I didn't do that then I never would have met you," he said.

"I know, but still. . .  You - why didn't you tell us?"

"It wasn't important."

"Of course it was important!"

"I didn't really want to do it.  I just did.  I regretted it as soon as I did, but there was nothing I could do about it.  So I dropped the knife and wandered around until I couldn't walk anymore."

I remembered the knife wound in the side of his head.  I never would've expected something like this from him.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Don't apologize.  Oh my God, Clear, don't apologize."  I kissed him and put my hand on his cheek.

"Keep doing that."

"What?"

"Kissing me.  It feels nice."

"Okay."  I leaned in again.  

I hoped he was telling the truth; that he was better.  I believed him when he said that he loved us.  We loved him.

He kept kissing me, and I didn't mind it, so I let him keep going.  He gently pushed my back down so that he was on top of me, and I was starting to have flashbacks to two weeks ago when I tried to talk to Noiz and we just ended up having rough sex because he was too immature and aggressive to restrain himself, and I was too tired and passive to stop him (and I kind of wanted to anyway).  Even if it did release a lot of pent up stress and allowed him to show a completely different and vulnerable side of himself, I still hadn't completely gotten over the whole 'oh-so-now-we're-back-to-using-rough-sex-as-a-temporary-solution" thing.  I'll admit it; I definitely prefered that as opposed to talking things through simply because I loved having sex with Noiz, and it was also way easier.  We always seemed to feel better afterwards anyway.  Instead of yelling at each other, we could just fuck each other really hard, and everything would be fine.  I knew that was definitely not the healthiest way of dealing with things, and that's why we eventually stopped doing that, but apparently I had fallen back into it.

Here I was again, pinned down on a soft surface right in the midst of a tough conversation, actually thinking that Clear was going to start sucking my dick or something.  I wasn't just pulling that notion out of nowhere, though.  Clear was getting sloppier with his kisses, and he had his hands under my shirt.  I did my best to stay quiet because I knew Noiz was sleeping in the other room, and it was also kind of embarrassing. 

I guess I should have known that this was Clear, and Clear was much less predictable than Noiz when it came to these things.  He was kissing my stomach when he stopped and looked up at me.

". . .  Wha-?"

"Aoba-san, I don't want to have sex right now."  He smiled nervously.  

"Oh, God.  I know."  I covered my burning face with my hands.  "I'm sorry, I can't really control it.  You don't have to do anything about it; I can fix it later."

He giggled.  It was nice to see him laughing again.  "I'm sorry.  I, uh, didn't really mean for this to happen.  I just wanted to kiss you.  You're really cute."

I guess his definition of foreplay differed from mine because I really thought he was going to do something.

"Maybe later," he said, sitting up.

"Yo.  Who's having sex without me?"  Noiz was standing at the edge of the hallway, leaning against the wall.

"Shit, sorry.  Did I wake you up too?"  I pushed myself up to a sitting position.

"Aoba-san and I were talking and then I kissed him and then he got hard."

"Classic," Noiz walked over and sat next to me, pointing at my crotch.  "I can fix that."

"Shut up, you thirsty piece of shit."  I stood and made my way to the bathroom.  "I'll do it myself."  

At least things had a lighter tone now.  My conversation with Clear still hung at the back of my mind as I got off in the bathroom and cleaned myself up.  I left to see that the lights in the living room were off, and they were probably back in bed.  My greeting as I entered the room was a suggestive, "Did you have fun~?" from Noiz and a series of giggles from Clear, but all it made me want to do was smile.

"We heard you~!" Clear said.

Noiz laughed even harder as I climbed into the bed.  "I love you," he said.

"Love you too."

I pondered whether or not I should tell him what Clear told me.  I would, but later.  They were laughing and smiling and I didn't want to ruin that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sOr RY


	25. Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want to be human."
> 
> [Trigger Warning: Discussion about suicide]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heads up nsfw
> 
> also some existential stuff at the end

I still hadn't told Noiz about Clear.  It had been several days.  To be honest, I was scared to.  I knew it wouldn't affect our relationship negatively.  It wasn't like Noiz was going to hear that and then leave us or something, but maybe it was the way he was so comfortable around him that made me hesitate.  I didn't want to risk being the one to take that away from them.  I also didn't know if it was okay with Clear for me to tell him; he might have wanted to be the one to say it.  The fact that the reason we found Clear five months ago was because he tried to kill himself wasn't exactly light news.

I pulled Clear aside one evening to ask him.

"Clear, about what you told me a few days ago, do you want to tell Noiz, or do you want me to?"

"Why do we need to tell him?"

"It's important that he knows, don't you think?"

". . .  I guess."  He looked down at his feet.  "Can you tell him?"

"Sure."  I stood on my tip-toes to kiss him.

I took a deep breath.  "Noiz."  I took Clear's hand, and we walked over to him.  "There's something we need to talk about."

He closed the window on his coil and looked at us nervously.

"Don't be scared, Noiz-san.  It's okay,"  Clear said.  He sat on the couch next to him, and Noiz let him wrap his arms around his waist.

I sat awkwardly next to Clear.  "So, um.  Do you remember when we first met Clear?  When he was all broken?"

"Yeah.  What about it?"

"Remember how we didn't know how he died?"

"Yeah."

"Well, Clear told me.  He, um, said that -"

"I did it," Clear said, his voice glitching a little.  "On purpose."

"Wait, what?"  Noiz wriggled out of Clear's arms.  "Clear, why didn't you say anything?"

"I'm so sorry!  I didn't mean to!  I just - I just thought that - I thought - I don't know what I was thinking; I just did it, and I'm sorry, I -"  He started crying.  This was completely different from when he told me.

When he told me, he said it without even the slightest hint of emotion.  He said it like it was nothing.  He said it like it was something that was expected of him.  Now, there were tears streaming down his face.

"Stop."  Noiz pulled him into a hug.  "Hug me," he said, tugging on Clear's limp arms, which weakly wrapped themselves around his body.  "I love you so much.  Thank you for telling us."

Clear nodded.  "Mhm."

I leaned into his back.  We stayed like that in silence until Clear calmed down.  He loosened his grip on Noiz and sat back, drying his eyes with his sleeve.  "I love you, Aoba-san.  I love you, Noiz-san."

"We love you too," I said, and Noiz nodded.

"Can you kiss me?" he asked.

"Of course."  Noiz put his hands on Clear's cheeks and pulled his face down, pressing his lips gently to Clear's a few times and then opening his mouth.

I shifted to my knees and kissed his neck.  He sighed.  

The fact that Clear took so much solace in our kisses made my chest hurt.  Whenever he was sad, he'd ask us to kiss him.  Thinking about it, the whole idea of it seemed weird; how I could make him feel better with just my lips and tongue, and so could Noiz.  But then again, maybe it was the closeness of it, like how Noiz was stroking his cheek with his thumb and how I held his waist.  That feeling was subjective, so I could go make out with a stranger and it would have a totally different connotation than making out with Noiz and Clear.  Making out with them felt safe and familiar, but at the same time it made my heart beat faster.  

I hoped I was leaving hickies on Clear.  I didn't even know if that was possible because he was probably programmed to 'heal' quickly, and to his programming, they were probably just bruises.  It seemed like he liked what I was doing anyway, so I kept doing it.

Clear stopped kissing Noiz.  I looked up.  "What's wrong?"

His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were glowing.  "I, uh," he whispered, "I want to have sex with you.  I really want to."

That caught me off guard.  Last time this happened he said he just wanted to kiss me to kiss me.

It wasn't like I didn't want to, though.

"Can we. . .?"

Noiz looked at me.  "You okay with that?"

"Yeah."

"Then so am I."

"Really?"  Clear's face lit up.  It was nice to see him smiling.

"Can we move to the bedroom, though?" I asked.

"Yeah!"  Clear jumped up and pulled Noiz and me with him, making his way to our room.  He seemed so excited.  It was adorable.

He pulled us onto the bed with him, holding me in his lap.  "Okay," he said, "how do I start?"

"Like this."  Noiz tugged me by the collar to kiss me.

He was as rough and sloppy as he had always been.  Under normal circumstances, I probably would have gotten flustered or pissed at him for being so sudden, but these were not normal circumstances, so I leaned into him and kissed him back.  I felt something warm and soft and a little bit wet touch my neck, and I realized Clear was kissing me there.  I felt him rest his hands gently on my waist and move them around to my back and my thighs, and Noiz had slipped his hands under my shirt, which was starting to get in the way.

"Just take it off, God," I said against his lips.

He laughed and pulled it over my head.  Clear was staring at me.

"What?  It's not like you haven't seen me shirtless before."  My face grew hot.

He blushed and covered his face.  "I know, but this is different."

"You're so cute.  Come'ere."  I took his hands and guided them to my chest and then down to my waist and my hips.  "It's okay.  You can touch me."

He nodded, and I leaned in, draping my arms around his shoulders.  

I couldn't help but think about how rushed all this felt.  Twenty minutes ago, we were talking about Clear's suicide.  It wasn't like things like this hadn't happened before, but usually when you confess something like that, you don't follow it up with a proposal for sex.  Clear was unpredictable, sure, but he wasn't the type to rush into things like that.

Noiz continued sucking on my neck for a while, and I took off his shirt so I wasn't the only one half naked.  I was about to take Clear's sweater off when he tensed.

"Do you not want me to take it off?"

"No, I just. . .  Don't like my body."

"We do," Noiz said.  "But if you don't want to take it off, that's fine."

Clear hesitated.  "No, I want to."  He took the sweater off, but he crossed his arms over his chest. 

"Clear," Noiz said.  "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Yeah."  He uncrossed his arms.  "Sorry."

"It's okay."  I took his hands and kissed them.

Noiz started undoing his jeans, pulling them off.  (It was more like peeling than pulling; those jeans were so tight.)  "Your turn."  He pointed to me.

I stuck my tongue out at him and took mine off.

He pointed at my crotch.  "Nice."

I threw my pants at his face, and Clear giggled.

"Noiz-san, can I kiss your stomach?"  Noiz's stomach was where the worst of his scars were.  

Noiz looked like he was caught off guard.  I kissed him there a lot, but I never asked.  It was kind of an unspoken thing.

"Y-yeah. . .  I - I. . . Sure."

I got off of Clear, and Noiz laid on his back with Clear sitting on top of him.

Clear leaned over awkwardly and pecked me on the lips and then Noiz. He kissed his nose and his forehead and both of his cheeks and then his jawline and his neck. He moved and laid down between his legs and began kissing his stomach.  
  
Noiz stiffly watched him. It wasn't a rough kind of kissing like before; Clear's lips barely grazed his skin with each kiss. This was usually the kind of kissing that Noiz would be dissatisfied with; he usually preferred rough kissing and biting and scratching, but to my surprise, he was looking down at Clear with soft eyes and flushed cheeks.  
  
He was really vulnerable then, and I realized that we were all vulnerable then. I thought about what a mess the last few months had been, and that maybe things were getting better. Clear's insecurities were still there, but they had died down enough for him to let us see his body. Noiz wasn't hurting himself anymore. I hadn't had a run-in with Desire for a while.  
  
Even still, our actions had a bittersweet feel to them.  
  
Noiz turned his head to the side and kissed me. He wasn't messy about it anymore, and I noticed how he went slowly and how his hands didn't instantly go for my ass. He brought one hand to my chest and played with my nipples, and I moaned into his mouth and combed my fingers through his hair. Clear was kissing his thighs by then, and he was leaving marks now.  
  
He lifted his head up and tugged on Noiz's underwear. "Noiz-san, can I do this?"  
  
He stopped kissing me and paused for a moment like he was coming out of a trance. He nodded once Clear's question registered in his head. "Yeah." His voice was breathy and quiet.  
  
Clear pulled Noiz's boxers off and kissed his inner thighs. "Your skin's really soft here," he commented.  
  
That was kind of an odd thing to say before sucking someone's dick. I laughed and looked over to Noiz, whose breathing was growing progressively sporadic. He had one hand in Clear's hair and the other rested loosely at my hip. Clear had obviously gotten started because Noiz tilted his head back and moaned. I kissed his exposed neck and felt him hook his fingers in the waistband of my boxers, and I nodded and kicked them off.

 He kissed me and traced his hand over my hip.

"Come on," I whined.

"You're so thirsty," he laughed.

"Shut the fuck up."

Noiz had always told me that the fact that I (and I quote) "moan like a fucking porn star" is "really fucking hot". I didn't like it, but he seemed to genuinely enjoy it, and Clear thought it was cute. I didn't really understand the appeal, but that was probably because it was my own voice.

I looked down at Clear, whose hands were on Noiz's hips and head was still between his legs.  It dawned on me that I was having sex with two other people, and I started to get nervous.  I didn't know why because it wasn't like I didn't trust them, and I was anything but a virgin.  Noiz and I had done this countless times, and I had known Clear for a long time and knew that he'd never do anything to harm us.  It wasn't because I was scared of Clear seeing me naked because I couldn't care less about that.  I wasn't scared of not being good enough for him because I knew I was at least above average, and I didn't think he'd care anyway.  I guess it was simply because I had never done it before.

Noiz gently pulled on Clear's hair after a few minutes.  "Clear, wait."

Clear stopped and looked up at him.  His cheeks were flushed, and his hair was messy, and his eyes were glowing.  "Yeah?"  
  
"Let's switch. If that's okay."  
  
Clear suddenly got really flustered and sat up. "Noiz-san it's okay seriously, I-" a nervous laugh, "You really don't have to-"  
  
"But do you want me to?"  
  
Clear didn't respond and found interest in staring at the sheets. He nodded after a few seconds. "But I don't want you to if you don't want to."  
  
"It's fine. Why do you think I asked?"  
  
"Okay."  He feverishly pulled off his pants.

Noiz and Clear switched places, and Clear pulled me close. I kissed him, and at the same time, Noiz began kissing down his body.  
  
"I feel warm," he said. "It's nice."  
  
I nodded in response and ran my fingers through his hair.  
  
"You can touch me a little if you want to," I muttered and kissed his neck.  
  
Noiz lifted his head from Clear's stomach. "Thirsty."  
  
"Go suck a dick. Oh wait. You were already going to." I reached for Clear's hand and placed it on my hip.  
  
He shrugged and started kissing Clear's thighs, fingering the waistband of his boxers. "Can I take these off?"  
  
Clear nodded and lifted his hips a little to let him. "It works like a normal penis; I'm pretty sure.  I think I can have orgasms too, but I've never tried it," he said. "But I don't think I can reproduce. Not that that's really important here." He gave a nervous laugh at the end of his sentence.  
  
"Good enough for me." Noiz went back to kissing his thighs and then looked at Clear one more time to confirm that everything was okay.  
  
Clear ruffled his hair affectionately, and Noiz put his mouth on him. He made a cute noise as I leaned over to kiss him, and I let him know it was okay to touch me by nudging his hand.

Eventually, we got to the point where we needed to decide what we were going to do.  After a few minutes of Clear's nervous indifference and Noiz's impatience, we agreed that I was going to ride Clear, and Noiz was okay with watching.  I was starting to get nervous again because Clear was actually much bigger than Noiz, and I'd be lying if I said that it didn't hurt at first.  I brought his hands to my hips and told him to keep them there.  

Everything was fine until I started getting used to him and started moving more.  I heard a stifled sound that was different from the other ones he was making, but I wasn't really paying enough attention for it to register.  His body quivered a little bit, and I thought that maybe he was getting close, which was weird because it really hadn't been that long, and you'd think that he'd have better stamina than that.  

"Clear, are you -" I heard Noiz talking.

I heard another sound.  

"Are you crying?  Oh my God, Aoba, he's crying!"

"What?"  I was starting to come down.

"He's crying!  Get off!"

I looked at him and realized that he really was crying.  Why didn't he say anything?  "Holy shit, Clear!"  I got off of him.  "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," he choked.  "You can keep going."

"It's obviously not nothing."  Noiz helped him sit up.  "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"I don't know!  I - It feels weird."  He put his head in his hands.  "Like, not physically weird because I like that; it feels nice.  Except all those feelings aren't real, so wouldn't that make everything I feel fake?"

"What do you mean?"  I sat next to him with my back against the headboard.  

"If everything I feel is fake, then what are my feelings for you?  I love you, but what if that's just a bunch of code?  Then what?  That would make everything I've said to you a lie, and I don't want that.  Wouldn't that make all my memories fake too?  I don't want that either.  I want everything to be real, and I want to be real, but it's not, and I'm not."

I had no idea where all that came from.  "Clear. . ."  Noiz said.

Clear's voice started glitching again.  "I want to be human." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant even write a full smut scene w/o someone crying what is wron g wi th m e


	26. Leftover Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I shouldn't have been left with his thoughts.
> 
> Desire _was_ what he thought.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: Dissociation/unreality]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk not a lot of ppl tag unreality stuff but i feel like its necessary so

I was the first to wake up the following morning.  Noiz was fast asleep with his head resting against Clear's stomach, and they were both naked, and so was I.

I was reminded of what had happened the night before.  We had sex. Except, we didn't finish.

We didn't finish because Clear started crying.  He was crying because he felt like he wasn't real. vSo we stopped and tried to talk to him.  He said he wanted to be human. 

"Maybe if I was real I'd like myself better," he said.  "You're beautiful, but you're different than me because you have real skin and real bones and real thoughts.  I could have the most perfect body and the straightest smile, but I'd still be nothing compared to you because you can feel things, and I can't.  You're different from each other, and you're different from everyone else on the planet.  You're irreplaceable.  I'm not.  They could make another me if they wanted to, so if something happened to me, I could be easily replaced, which is why I don't understand how I'm so important to you.  I want to be.  More than anything, I want to be.  But I'd understand if I'm not.  I know it's awful, but sometimes I get scared that you're only pretending to love me for the sake of my feelings, which don't even exist, really."  He looked down at his lap in silence.

I didn't know what to say.  He seemed beyond sad, and I knew by the weight of his words that it hurt him to say it.  The thing that stabbed me in the chest was how he said that sometimes he got scared that we didn't really love him.  He was scared that we didn't want him there.  I didn't know what made him think that, but it made me want to hug him and never let go.

"Clear. . .  You're wrong," Noiz said.  "That is nowhere near how we think of you.  When we say we love you, it means we love you as you are right now.  We love your skin, we love your face, we love your body, we love your smile, and most of all, we love who you are."  That was one of the sweetest things I had heard from him in a while.    

"You are beautiful, Clear; you really are," I added.   "I don't care that you're 'technically' a robot, and neither does Noiz.  You know that saying, 'what's on the inside is what counts'?"

Clear nodded.

"It's not talking about what's physically there.  It's talking about your personality.  Your heart.  What you value.  Who you are.  That's what makes you irreplaceable, Clear.  It's not what you look like or what you're made of.  I don't care if they could make someone that looks and speaks just like you because they'd never be able to replace you."

"Plus," Noiz cut in, "if we didn't love you, why would we be sitting naked in bed having this conversation?"

Clear smiled a little, the kind of smile where the corners of his mouth just barely turned up.  "I love you," he whispered.  "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank us.  We love you to."  I leaned in and pecked him on the lips.  "Do you just wanna go to bed?  We don't need to finish; we can have sex another time."

Clear nodded and laid down.  He didn't say anything after that.

* * *

 

I looked at them sleeping.  Clear had his hand rested loosely in Noiz's hair, and Noiz's feet were hanging off the edge of the bed.  I sat up, and my head started to hurt, so I got up and took some medicine for it and returned to the bed.  I didn't want to get up and get breakfast started.  I didn't know why, but I just wanted to sit there and look at them.  So I did.  For who knows how long.  The medicine didn't seem to be working.

I realized as I looked at them that they trusted me.  They trusted that I wasn't going to do anything to hurt them.  I suddenly grew afraid that I was going to, like if I touched them they'd turn to dust and blow away or something.  It made me want to get away from them as fast as I could, but at the same time I wanted to reach over and touch Clear's cheeks to see if they would crack and Noiz's scarred arms to see if they would open.  I felt awful for even thinking that and found myself running my fingers over Clear's cheek, pulling my hand back as I realized the intentions of my actions.  The idea in itself was ridiculous; even if I wanted to I wouldn't be able to do anything with my fingers.

Then I remembered that I could hurt them.  I could destroy them if I really wanted to.  Desire had been long gone, but that didn't mean I couldn't do it.

I was starting to freak myself out.  Those thoughts weren't mine, except they were because I was thinking them.  I didn't want to hurt them.  They looked so fragile and beautiful, and I loved them more than anything.  

The realization that I had the power to hurt something I loved so dearly hit me like a rock and left me feeling overwhelmed and confused.  Technically speaking, I could do that without the weird thing I could do with my head, but maybe it was how unconventional and personal and flagitious it was to destroy someone from the inside out that gave it such an edge.     

I decided to take a shower because my headache wasn't getting better and neither were my thoughts.  I was scaring myself a lot.  This wasn't normal.  I wasn't supposed to be the one to think like this.  That was Desire's job, and he was gone anyway.  Maybe his absence left me with all of his thoughts, but that was impossible because it wasn't like he was a real person.  He  _was_ what he thought.  So him being gone would mean that I wouldn't be feeling like this.

That could only mean one thing; he wasn't gone like I thought he was.  That didn't make sense either though, because it had been over a month since I last heard from him, and I knew that fucker couldn't keep his mouth shut to save his life.  It also didn't make sense that I was just getting these thoughts now.

All the shower seemed to do was put me in a weirdly absent state of mind.  It was the kind of spacing out that happens right before you sleep, except I was up and walking around the house and only slightly aware of what I was doing.  I was about eighty percent sure that I had some form of clothing on and about sixty percent sure that I was in my own apartment.  It wasn't like I was stumbling into the walls, though.  Rather, it was like I was being controlled by a remote.  I was doing normal-ish things; I brushed my teeth, and I ate cereal even though Clear was probably going to cook for us, and I sat on the couch blankly staring at the black screen of the TV.  I didn't get up until Noiz walked in ass naked and saw me on the couch.  He asked why I was staring at a blank screen and then kissed my cheek, sitting next to me.  I must have looked at him oddly because he tilted his head slightly and asked what I was staring at.  I didn't know why, but I brought my hand to his face.  I didn't know why, but it was shaking.  I didn't know why, but I pulled him in and kissed him.  It didn't feel like I was kissing him, and it didn't feel like he was kissing me.  It was like I was feeling his lips through two thick sheets of fabric.  When I let go of him, he smiled and said, "I love you, Aoba," but even though he said my name, It felt like he was saying it to someone else.

"I-I - lo-ve you too."

Noiz pulled his legs up on the couch and leaned against my shoulder.  "You're acting kind of weird.  Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."  That wasn't my intended answer.  I wasn't fine.  I wanted the words, "No, I feel weird," to come out of my mouth.

"Clear's still sleeping."

"I kind of inferred that.  Are you gonna put clothes on?"  That didn't even come from my thought process.

"Why?"

"Why not?"  I didn't know what was going on.  I was starting to freak out, and I gave in to the urge to scream, except my mouth remained closed and silent.

I wondered if I was dreaming.  I convinced myself that I was and gave up on the fight for control, which was getting increasingly hard.  I trusted whatever was running my body not to do anything stupid and Noiz and Clear to prevent that if not.  It didn't even matter much because if it was a dream, I would wake up with them later, and everything would be okay.  I let go.

I only got snippets of what happened after that.  The glow of Clear's eyes.  The sound of Noiz snoring on the couch.  The sweet smell of something warm and soft.  I heard someone say, "I love you."

When I came back to my senses, I was sitting on the couch wearing the same thing I must have put on that morning.  It was dark.  It must have been late at night.  Noiz seemed to be sleeping with his head in my lap.  Clear was leaning on my shoulder.

I didn't know how or when I got there, but everything felt normal again within a few minutes.

"Aoba-san," Clear stirred from his sleep and looked at me.  "I heard you say something.  What'd you say?"

"What? I didn't say anything."  I was still a little disoriented.  I tried to push what had happened to the back of my head.

"Yeah, you did.  It sounded like you said you're sorry.  Why are you sorry?  You didn't do anything wrong."

"I. . .  I didn't say that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda short BUT IM G Ay
> 
> im going to die


	27. Control: Re

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want control of everything.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: Blood, Death, Guns, Suicidal Intentions]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so apparently i like. accidentally posted this when it wasnt done so sorry abt that

"Aoba-san, you've been acting very weird today. Is there something wrong?" The light from the TV reflected off of Clear's cheeks in a blue glow, and his eyebrows were knit with concern, and I felt bad for not knowing what was going on.

"I don't know, I. . . I haven't really been paying attention." I was relieved that what was coming out of my mouth matched what I was thinking.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't really remember much of today. It felt like someone was controlling me."

"You've been taking your medicine, right?"

A horrifying realization came to mind.

I clamped my hand on his shoulder.  "Clear, did I hurt either of you?"

I panicked at the thought.   _He's gone.  He's gone.  He's gone._

"No.  But Aoba-san, have you been taking your medicine?  That could be why you-"

It was nearly impossible, not only because Desire was long gone for one reason or another, but also because he lacked the capability to keep his violence at bay.

"I'm scared," I interrupted.

"Why?"

I was scared because I didn't want Desire to come back.  I was scared because I didn't want him controlling me or interacting with them.  I was scared because there was nothing to prove that whatever was going on was his doing and that there wasn't another 'me' entirely.  I was scared because I was losing myself to myself.

"I don't know," I said.

It didn't matter how many excuses I gave; I knew in the back of my mind that it was him and that he took control and held it without trying to hurt them.  I should have been relieved.  I should have tried to talk to him.  I should have asked him why he apologized.  I should have accepted his apology.  I should have seen this as him reaching out to make things better.

But I didn't.  It made me even more bitter thinking about it.  I didn't want him to talk to them, and I didn't want him to like them (or love them for that matter), and I didn't want them to like him.  It was awful, but I wanted them to hate him as much as I did.  I wanted him to hate me as much as I hated him because if he didn't, that would put things out of balance and make me the bad guy.  I was not the bad guy.  The bad guy was Desire.  Or at least, that's what I wanted.

 _"That's what I wanted."_ It was a selfish mentality.  That probably wasn't what Noiz wanted, and it probably wasn't what Clear wanted either.  Honestly, I didn't give a shit about what Desire wanted because he had gotten what he wanted, and that was the mess we were in now.  Clear would tell me to forgive him.  Noiz would tell me to just forget about it.  I was beyond either of those.

I wasn't capable of thinking of Desire as a real person with real feelings because I didn't make the connection between what he was and what he was called.  I didn't realize that he was my desire, what I wanted in my most primitive and basic form, and that what I wanted was more than destruction.  I wanted love and care and happiness, so that was what he must have wanted too, but he lacked the self control to obtain it.  Maybe it was best to not recognize him as an independent entity; maybe I needed to think of him as a part of me.  He couldn't work as a person without me to control him, and I couldn't work as a person without him to drive me.

I guess by the time I noticed that, it was a little too late.

We were held together by a single thread, and much to my dismay and Desire's literal demise, the thread that kept us balanced was being inevitably pulled.

I couldn't explain all of that to Clear.  Even if I could, I wasn't about to dump all of that on him; he had too much to worry about already. 

"It's okay to be scared, Aoba-san."  Clear took me from my thoughts. 

I didn't know how to respond, so I looked down at Noiz, who was still sleeping with his head rested in my lap, his breath warm against my thighs.  I traced the contours of his face with my fingers, starting with his sharp cheekbones and poking his pointy nose before touching his lips and chin.  Then I remembered that he hadn't fallen asleep in my lap; he fell asleep in Desire's.  He trusted him without even knowing.

I grew increasingly agitated as my thoughts rolled on.  Desire shouldn't have been allowed to hold him.  That was not fair, plain and simple.  

I felt terribly guilty.  Even though everything was Desire's fault, I still took responsibility for his actions.  He was me, after all.  I was even starting to think like him, and that was evident in how I hated him so violently, and I was disgusted with myself.  It almost felt like we were switching thoughts, and that was the opposite of what I wanted.  I didn't want to be the bad one.  I didn't want to be the selfish one.  I didn't want to be the one that was only capable of hurting.  I knew this was exactly what Desire felt, and it was probably worse for him because he had to deal with it all the time, but that didn't stop me from wanting to shove him into the depths of my mind so I could live in peace with Noiz and Clear.

"Do you want to go to bed?" Clear asked.

"I don't know."

"I think we should.  You seem tired." 

I nodded as Clear stood, taking a stirring Noiz in his arms.  "What're you doin', Babe?" he slurred.

"Going to bed."  I watched Clear carry him.  I didn't get up.

"But I was already 'sleep."

"It'll be much more comfortable in bed."  I sat there and watched Clear walk down the hallway and into our room.  They exchanged a few words, and Clear came back out into the living room, standing in front of me expectantly.  "Aoba-san, aren't you coming?"

I shrugged.

"Come on," he whined as he suddenly scooped me up into his arms like I weighed nothing.

My head rested against his chest, he carried me to bed.  

* * *

 

It happened a few times after that.  I never told them, though.  I was scared of what they might do even though I knew they would do nothing.

Desire wouldn't taunt me like he usually did, either.  In fact, he wouldn't even talk to me at all.  The only warning signs that I got were urges to hurt something at various intensities and then a weird dissociation before he was in complete control.  Instead of putting on a big show, it was like he was coming up behind me and covering up my mouth and dragging me down.  So I would sit in my own mind and watch him interact with Noiz and Clear.  I watched him talk to them.  I watched them get concerned because I wasn't acting like myself.  I watched him hug them.  I watched them look him in the eyes and tell him they loved him.  I watched them kiss him.  I watched him sleep with them. 

I kept having the same dream every night where Desire would be sitting on the ground of a room as blank and dark as what I felt right then with blood all over him.  He would stare at his hands in horror like they were turning into feet or something, and he would occasionally look up at me for a split second before returning his gaze to his red-soaked hands.  I would try to go to him, not really knowing why, but I'd be stopped by absolutely nothing.  I could reach my arms past this barrier, but I couldn't move my legs no matter how much I wanted to.  So I'd stand there yelling at him to let me in.  Let me in where?  I didn't know.  But that didn't stop me from trying to get his attention.  He looked at me sometimes, but he never moved from his spot on the ground or opened his mouth to speak.

I tried everything to get to him.  I forgot the reason why I wanted to.  At this point I was just blindly doing it.

Until one night, when I wasn't stopped.  I walked right up to him without a problem.  He didn't look up this time.  Instead, he held his knees to his chest, his arms tense and his nails digging into his skin, and the blood that had drenched his body before had dried into a dirty rust color.  I reached my hand out to touch him, to see if he was real, and he was.  He flinched and looked up at me.

Desire looked nothing like himself.  He didn't wear his normal sly smile or arrogant gaze.  There were dark rings circling his eyes, and they had a sort of empty look to them that made my stomach hurt.  It wasn't an absence of feeling that characterized him because there's no such thing as an absence of feeling.  Even at your worst, you're still feeling something.  Instead, it was an absence of drive, or in other words the presence of indifference, which countered pretty much his entire reason for being.

In short, he was dying, and that shouldn't have made me happy, but it did.

"What do you want?" he spat.

"I was gonna ask the same thing."

"I don't want you in here.  You think I'd want you to see me this pathetic?"

"It's my head."

"It's just as much mine as it is yours."

A minute passed without a word.  "Why am I in here, then?" I asked.

Desire shrugged.  "I didn't do it.  A bunch of weird shit's been happening."

"Why?"

He shrugged again.  

I sighed.  "You apologized."  The words that left my mouth came out with the same pitch and the same blank tone.  I didn't even feel angry anymore; I just felt drained.  "Why?"

"I-" he stared, but then wavered.  "I was-"

"Sorry?" I interrupted.  "I find that hard to believe."  

"Well, why else?" he snapped.  I felt my words being shoved painfully down my throat.  "This is happening because I feel remorse for my actions, and I'm not supposed to feel that, so it's causing us to merge or something."

"What?"

"I feel like shit because I have some of your feelings, and you feel like hurting everything because you have some of mine.  It's causing our control to get mixed up, too.  I'm not doing that on purpose, you know."  He paused.  "You want me dead, don't you?" he said flatly.

I was taken aback.  I had forgotten that he could see some of the things I was thinking.

"You do," he answered for me.  "I can tell.  I don't really care that much anyway.  I mean, at this point I'm just causing problems.  Plus, I'm not used to feeling like this, and honestly I really don't want to."  He pushed a loaded gun across the floor to my feet.  "So do what you want."

I slowly bent over and picked it up.  Feeling the weight of a gun in my hands for the first time really shouldn't have felt so familiar.  "What'll happen if I do?"

"Beats me."

"Will I die?"

He shrugged.  "Probably not."

"Probably?"

"I mean, presumably it'll just kill me and then you'd be fine.  I don't really know how it'll affect your personality and shit."

I didn't know how much I trusted him, and I didn't understand how killing him in a dream would do anything.  But then again, this whole situation was pretty weird.  Despite my inhibitions and pounding heart, I pointed the gun at his head and put my finger on the trigger.  He looked at me, and I saw his eyes dim from their normal bright yellow to the hazel that I recognized in my eyes.  He looked absolutely miserable, and my hands were shaking, and I felt like crying.  I was about to kill him, and I wanted to kill him, but with a gun in my hands and Desire at point-blank range, I wasn't so sure anymore.  I didn't want to kill him, and I dropped the gun and let my hands fall to my sides because I didn't want to kill him, and I saw myself in him.  

I saw myself in him.

I remembered that he was just as sad as me because he _was_ me.  I realized that I had lost myself in this mess, and that I wanted that Aoba back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man oh boy
> 
> that was hard to write


	28. Murderer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inherently, I've killed someone once.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: death, suicidal intentions, just overall really dark stuff]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhh go d

"What was that?"  Desire reached over and picked the gun off the floor and held it out to me. 

I stared at it loathingly.  I didn't take it.  I was still shaking.

"Come on," he said.  "What's your problem?"

All the times I wanted him to die flashed in my mind, and I realized something.  I couldn't kill him. 

I hesitantly took the gun from his hands and stared at it.  "I can't kill you," I said.

"Why not?  You hate me."

He was right.  I hated him.

"Yeah. I do."

"Then why is it so fucking hard to just-"

"I'm not going to kill you."  I felt like my legs were going to give out.

"Why?"

"You're. . .  You're a part of me.  I may hate you, and you may have done terrible things to me and the people I love, but I'm not going to kill you."

"I kind of deserve it."  His voice fell to a whisper, but it sounded like the kind of hoarse whisper that you would speak in after screaming for hours because it hurt to speak normally.

I never thought I'd hear him say that.  It contradicted everything he was supposed to be, and it contradicted everything I was supposed to be too.  I was supposed to be Reason (though I didn't know how I knew that), and he was supposed to be Desire.  He was supposed to be reckless, and I was supposed to be the one to stop him.  I was supposed to feel remorse, and he was supposed to feel destrudo, not the other way around.

I could see it in the purple rings that rimmed his eyes and the dullness that painted his expression; this ordeal was eating him from the inside out.  He was developing his own feelings, and that would be his ultimate demise.  Not a gun, not me, not a bad Rhyme accident, but feelings that he was never meant to feel.

And somehow, I felt bad for him.

I realized that I was wearing a jacket and took it off.  I placed it on Desire's shoulders and sat next to him.  I couldn't feel his body heat like I would have if he was real.  He gave off a sort of frigid feeling.

He looked at me like I asked to marry him.  "What are you doing?"

"I don't know," I said as I dropped the gun on the floor and kicked it away, watching it skid across the floor.

I didn't know if I was being forgiving or submissive.  Maybe I really should have killed him, or maybe I should have let him die on his own, at the very least.  Maybe I was being too nice.  I needed to stand up for myself for once.  But then again, there's a difference between being assertive and taking things so far as to kill someone.  But did that count if he wanted to die?  Maybe I would've done this for someone else, but with Desire it was different because I still clung to the ubiquitous shred of empathy I held from the beginning: the one  rooted in our connection to each other.

Would I kill him if he wasn't me?  Would I kill someone who hurt me and my family so much? _Would I kill someone?_

Of course not.  I could hate all I wanted, but I'd never kill someone, I realized.  Desire might, but I wouldn't.  Not even if they asked me to.  My hands would still shake when handed a gun, and my head would still spin, and my knees would still buckle.

Desire was still staring at me with a jarred look on his face.  I wondered what came over him in the last month because I clearly remembered him complaining when I was in the hospital.

"What happened?" I asked.  It came out as more of an order than a question.  

"I felt bad for what I did, so I stopped doing it."

"What made you feel bad all of a sudden?"

"I saw what I was doing."

"How come you didn't see it before?"

"I did."

"Then why didn't you -"

"I couldn't help it!" he snapped.  "I can't help it."  His voice lowered a bit.  "It keeps me alive; I have to destroy in order to live.  When I stop, I die.  It takes a while for me to completely die out, but it happens.  Feeling bad for my actions only speeds things up because I'm not supposed to feel like that.  So in short, I'm dying.  But it's agonizingly slow, and it hurts a lot.  That's why I wanted you to kill me; it's too painful for me to be alive, but I can't do it myself.  That, and it's what I deserve anyway.  Believe me; I tried, but I guess it has to be someone else because nothing worked.  Maybe it's because I don't really have a body to kill.  I wasn't even sure if having you shoot me would work."

"So are you just going to have to wait it out?"  Part of me didn't want him to die, for some reason.  I couldn't bear the thought of losing such a large part of myself, even if I hated him.

He nodded, and we were quiet for a few moments.

"Why do you exist?  Why are we separated?" I asked after a while.

Desire sighed.  "Do you remember your teenage years?  At all?"

I thought back.  They had always been hazy to me, but I never really thought too much of it because I was pretty sure I hated being a teenager anyway.  Oddly enough, that was the only thing I could remember about back then.

"No, I. . .  I don't, actually."

"That's what I thought," he muttered.

"Why'd you ask?"

He completely disregarded my question.  "Do you remember ever playing Rhyme?"

"I mean, I used to play it with Noiz when he was like, eighteen.  He was really into it."

"No, I mean when you were younger."

I thought for a moment and shook my head.

"Well, you did.  You did a lot.  You started when you were fourteen and played up until you were twenty."

I glared at him.  "You're lying.  I started playing when I met Noiz, and I never really liked it anyway."

"I'm not lying.  You just don't remember."

"How is that even -"

"You were caught in a bad Rhyme accident when you were sixteen.  It caused you to lose your memory.  That was also when we split."

"That's not how -"

"That's not how it works?  Then please, Aoba, explain to me how it works."

I shut my mouth.  I knew he was wrong, but I still didn't know the inner workings of Rhyme.

"Exactly.  Look, Rhyme is a game played in your head.  On the rare occasion that Rhyme fucks up, it fucks up good.  It can kill you.  You're lucky it didn't.  But it did come with a consequence: me.  After you regained consciousness, I was handed control over your body.  You were out like a light.  I honestly thought you were dead and that it was just me, so I was really reckless.  I think I knew deep down that you were still there, but I didn't care as long as I could do as I wanted.  I did really bad things too."  He rubbed his eyes and stared at the ground.  

_He's lying. He's lying.  He has to be lying._

"I. . .  It was mostly just the standard shit that you'd think I'd do.  Sex, drugs, alcohol, whatever.  I got drunk and hooked up most nights, and sometimes I did drugs.  But that's just what everyone did, anyway, and the only person it affected was you.  Honestly, I hated you, so I was only encouraged to do more."  He sighed.  "I hurt a lot of people.  I did the same thing to them that I did to you and Noiz and Clear, and I did it for fun.  I did it mostly in Rhyme because it was easier that way, but sometimes I tried to get into people's minds in real life.  I was really bad at first, but then I got better at it, and I could pull people apart with little struggle."

He had asked me to kill him a few minutes ago, and now here he was, telling me the story his alleged four year reign over my body.  And if this was true, he did all of it in my name.  My name was out there for his actions, and I never even knew.  The name "Aoba Seragaki" wasn't what I thought it was anymore.

"I started to do it because I was bored.  I did it because I hated myself, because I knew what I was doing, and I couldn't stop.  I did it because I was curious.  I did it because I wanted control.  And I -"  He took a shaky breath.  "I killed someone once."  His shoulders were shaking, but he wasn't crying.  

I was too shocked to do or say anything.

"It was someone I cared about, too.  I would never admit that back them, but I - I couldn't control myself.  I wanted to see what they were thinking, but I ended up - "  A sob escaped his mouth, but all I did was continue to stare at him as he choked on his voice.  "- going too far."  Tears hit the skin of his thighs, and the sounds he was making were the kind that could rip your heart out of your chest.  "I brought up things from their past, and that was when I realized what I was doing, but I was too late, and - and they stopped talking, and I gave up and went to bed, and they -"  He covered his eyes with his hands and yelled in the rawest voice I had ever heard from him, "I woke up the next morning, and they were dead!  They were dead, and it was my fault!  And guess what?!  All I did was leave!  I didn't cry or call anyone or anything!  I just gathered my shit and ran as fast as I could, so I wouldn't get blamed!  And I hurt more people!  And it went on and on and on until you gained control again, and I went dormant until I realized that I was going to die if I didn't do something, and I didn't want to do anything, but I did because somehow, somehow I thought that I deserved to live!"

 _". . . because somehow, somehow I thought that I deserved to live!"_ I didn't know he felt that way.  I thought he did it because he hated me.

"I didn't do it because I hated you or Noiz or Clear," he said, drying his eyes with the sleeve of my jacket.  "I didn't want to hurt any of you.  I acted like it, but I didn't.  I just wanted to live."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there we have it folks. slys backstory


	29. Plane Ride To Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We shouldn't have to do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well its been a MONT H hasnt it
> 
> dont worry i havent forgotten abt this little fic

We were leaving in a few days for Noiz's parent's house, and I had almost forgotten until I saw Noiz pulling a suitcase out from the closet.

"What are you doing?" I asked. It was a few days after I had woken up from that dream with Desire. I hadn't had another one since. I wasn't done with him; our conversation was not over. Desire told me everything, and frankly, I didn't know if I forgave him or not. He told me that he killed someone, and I remembered how he almost killed Noiz and how that meant I was responsible.

"That Christmas thing is in like, three days," Noiz said.

I still didn't think it was a good idea. I knew for a fact that Noiz hated his family, and his decision to go just to annoy them was immature at best. But I didn't want him going alone, so Clear and I reluctantly agreed to go with him to keep him in check.

"Wait, seriously? Shit." I watched him pull clothes from the rack and toss them into the suitcase. "Don't do it like that! Jeez, you'll wrinkle all your clothes!" Sighing, I took the few sweaters and jeans that he picked out and folded them neatly. "Noiz, are you sure you want to do this? We can still cancel the hotel reservation and the plane tickets if you -"

"Yes, I'm sure," he interrupted in a blunt tone.

"Okay. I was just making sure." I continued helping him pack in silence and then got my own bag and began filling it with my clothes. "Clear," I called after a few minutes, "We're packing for Germany. Come get your stuff together."

"Ok!" he said from the other room. He appeared a few seconds later in the doorway. "What do I do?"

"Just get three days worth of clothes out and put them in - " I pulled another bag out, " - this bag. If you need extra space you can put some of your stuff in mine. Also, pack something to do on the plane. And like, toiletries and stuff."

Noiz snickered. "Toiletries? That's such a gay word."

"You're a gay word." I turned back to Clear. "Anyway, just put in anything you think you'll need."

"Alright." Clear started putting clothes in his bag.

"Also, both of you, don't forget to pack at least one nice outfit."

Noiz groaned, and I glared at him. "We are going to look nice for the party whether you want to or not."

He huffed but complied, folding a dress shirt and dress pants and placing them in the suitcase.

* * *

 

The day at the airport was a tiring one. I rose with heavy eyelids and dragged myself out of bed; I hadn't gotten any sleep. Desire still hadn't said anything. It was like he disappeared again.

The airport was relatively far away, and we had bags, so we drove instead of taking public transportation like we usually did when we went somewhere. Clear seemed excited, and I didn't know why because I already told him that this trip would most likely be hellish, at the very least. Maybe it was the whole experience of traveling that he was looking forward to. I, on the other hand, was bouncing my foot on the floor of the car in fear. I had travelled a few times before, so I knew what we were doing when we checked in and went through security, but I couldn't shake the nervousness of meeting Noiz's family. I was scared that they wouldn't like me. I was scared that they wouldn't like Clear. And most of all, I was scared of how they would treat Noiz and how he would react.

Clear wanted to go into all the stores in the terminal, and we let him go in a few because we had time. We let him buy a stuffed bear and got some snacks for the plane ride. Noiz checked his watch as we were about to enter a fifth store.

"We should get to the gate," he said. "It's almost time to board."

I nodded and motioned for Clear, who was looking at a magazine, to come with us. He put the magazine back on the rack and followed us out of the store.

"So what's the plan for when we get there?" I asked when we got to the gate. "You know, like, for the party and stuff."

Noiz sighed. "I'm not planning on being there for any longer than I have to be, so we'll probably just end up going to the party and then doing whatever we want for most of the trip. I mean, they can't make us stay for everything. Besides, they only requested that I be there for the party."

Clear leaned his head on Noiz's shoulder. "What if your family doesn't like us?"

Noiz shrugged. "So what? We'll never have to deal with them again after this, hopefully."

_We shouldn't have to deal with them in the first place_ , I thought. I still didn't think this was fair to Noiz. Making him fly for twelve hours just to see their sorry asses didn't sound like it was worth it to me. Yet there we were, about to get on a plane, with Clear bouncing in excitement for the ride and Noiz looking stoic and inpatient.

The plane was one of those really big ones with three seats on each side and five in the middle. Our seats were together, thankfully; I didn't want Noiz or Clear to be separated from me for the fear of what they might do without me there. (Lo and behold, my fear reigned true when I fell asleep later on.) Noiz put our big bags in the overhead compartment, and we settled in our seats with Clear in the middle, Noiz in the aisle seat, and me in the window seat. I pulled out a pillow from my bag under the seat and placed it behind my head, fixing to go to sleep when Clear spoke up.

"Aoba-san," he said, "are you going to sleep?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well it's just. . ." He trailed off and looked down at his lap. "I'm kind of scared. Can I hold your hand?"

I remembered that this was Clear's first time on a plane, and even for me it was a little nerve wracking because I hadn't really traveled much.

"Sure." I reached for his hand and squeezed it."

"Noiz-san?"

Noiz smiled at him and took his other hand. Clear relaxed.

"It's gonna be okay," I said. "Don't worry."

When we took off, I felt Clear squeeze my hand and squeezed his back. Eventually, he felt safe enough to let go of our hands, and I tried my best to fall asleep.

I woke up to a jab to my ribs. I jumped and realized that Clear had just elbowed me, relaxing slightly before realizing that Clear had just elbowed me because he was making out with Noiz and had shifted in his seat to get in a better position.

"What are you doing?!" I whisper-yelled.

They stopped kissing and turned to look at me, Noiz's arms still wrapped around Clear's shoulders and Clear's hand still on his waist. "Kissing," Noiz said flatly.

"You can't do that on a plane! What the hell are you thinking?!"

"We're bored."

"So?! You can't just start making out! We're in public! People are staring at us! Clear," I turned to him, "switch with me."

"Why?" he whined.

"Because I clearly can't trust you two. Come on."

Noiz sighed as Clear and I switched places. "I'm bored," he said twenty seconds after we sat down.

"Save it for the hotel. How do you even survive when you're traveling alone?"

Noiz shrugged, and I sighed and leaned back, hoping to actually get some sleep. I felt Clear lean on my shoulder.

The rest of the plane ride was relatively uneventful, save for the occasional complaint of boredom. It was annoying, but that was better than whatever they would have been doing if I hadn't interviened.

Everything after that went as planned, thankfully, but I still had a sense of unease. I hadn't heard from Desire since that one night, the night where he confessed everything to me. Part of me was hoping for him to speak up. The other part wanted him to shut up.

They did, in fact, save it for the hotel. The second we got there, they went straight for the bed. I, for one, started unpacking our things and putting them in the drawers. Even though we were only staying for a few days, I still wanted everything to be organized.

"Aoba-san," Clear said from the other side of the room. I turned to see him sitting on Noiz. "Do you want to join?"

"Not right now. . . But there is something I wanted to talk about; I just remembered."

It had been bothering me for a while that Clear still used the "-san" suffix with us. He had known us for months, and this conversation was long overdue, but the fact that we were meeting Noiz's family had brought it to my mind. I didn't know what kind of impression it would make on them if our boyfriend was calling us "Aoba-san" and "Noiz-san".

"What is it?" Clear got off of Noiz, and Noiz sat up.

I sat on the bed with them. "I think. . . Since, you know, we're meeting Noiz's parents soon, you should stop using the '-san' suffix with us."

"What? Why?"

"Well, because you've known us for a while, and I think it would make kind of a weird impression on your parents. So why not just change it now? It's been kind of bothering me for a while now."

"I agree with Aoba," Noiz said.

"Oh. . . Ok. I see what you're saying," Clear said and nodded, "Aoba, Noiz."

"That's better." I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik ik this is kind of a filler chapter BUT i promise the next one will have some actual substance to it


	30. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to meet his family like this.
> 
> [Trigger Warning: Parental Abuse]

Noiz was beginning to worry me.  We had been at the party for only two hours, and he was already kind of drunk and on the edge.  I did my best to be sociable and make pleasant conversation with his relatives even though I would rather have been anywhere else but there.  

The house was huge, easily the biggest I had ever been in.   There were two enourmous, elegant staircases near the entrance that lead up to the second floor, which was open, so you could see all the way to the ceiling.  Despite the extremely open feel, I still felt like I was about to be suffocated. 

Noiz had introduced us to his parents the second we got in the door, and I was surprised to see they spoke Japanese.  He explained later on that their company had a base in Japan, so most of the family was fluent.   

"Mom, Dad," Noiz said, "this is Aoba and Clear.  They're my boyfriends."  He smirked, anticipating their disapproval.  Shit was going to hit the fan fast.  

They looked at us like we were growing horns or something.  "They're your  _what?_ "  his father said through clenched teeth.

 _Here we go,_ I thought.  

"We're his boyfriends," Clear piped up.  "We live together."

"Wilhelm, can we talk in private?"  His mother grabbed his wrist and pulled him over to the corner of the entryway, whispering angrily in German.

_Wilhelm?_

"Aoba-sa - Aoba," Clear said, "why's she calling him Wilhelm?"

"I - I don't know.  Maybe. . ."  I had never considered the possibility that his name was different than his birth name.  "'Wilhelm' must be what his parents named him.  I never thought about that.  He clearly wants nothing to do with it, though, so let's not mention it."

"Okay."

I glanced over to where Noiz's parents were talking to him.  He had a smug look on his face.  His parents were fuming.

"Noiz doesn't seem like himself," Clear said.  "I'm kind of worried about him."

"Yeah," I agreed.  "So am I."

"Do you think he'll be okay?"

I sighed.  "I hope so.  We just need to get through the rest of tonight."

Clear and I continued to awkwardly stand to the side and watch people come in and greet each other and make their way into the living room and kitchen to join the party.  I wondered how many people were supposed to come.  Noiz came back over after a few minutes. 

"What'd they say?" Clear asked.

"They're really mad that I'm into guys and that I have two boyfriends."

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"What?  Yeah, I'm fine.  Why?"

"They seemed really mad at you.  Did they say anything bad?"

"I mean, yeah.  But I'm fine."

I didn't really believe him, but I decided to drop it for now.  Noiz took our hands and lead us into the living room, where people were talking and laughing and drinking from their dainty little wine glasses while their kids ran around in their expensive outfits and drank apple juice from plastic cups.  He introduced himself to several people who didn't know who he was, and I could see him growing progressively more irritated as time went on as he realized that his parents never told anyone about him.  Only a few people knew who he was, and that was only when he mentioned his given name.  I saw it coming; Noiz was going to snap.

I couldn't believe his parents.  Not only did they lock him up, but they also tried to erase his entire existence from their family, and that was unforgivable.

Clear stayed by my side for most of the party, while Noiz wandered around and talked to several people.  We met Noiz's brother, Theo, who seemed to be one of the only ones to recognize him right off the bat.  He was also the only one that Noiz wasn't inherently sour about.  He seemed nice, but I still had my doubts about him. 

Clear and I tried to stick as close to Noiz as we could.  We followed him to the bar in the kitchen where he was standing and talking to a few people.

"I didn't know they had another son!" said a tall woman with freckles and blonde hair.  "Honey!" she reached over to who I assumed to be her husband, who was holding a mostly empty wine glass. She said something in German.  
  
Her husband said something else in German, this time to Noiz.  
  
Noiz laughed, but it wasn't a happy laugh. He replied in a sarcastic voice that was starting to rise in volume and pitch, and even though I couldn't understand what he was saying, I knew where this was going.  He had finally had enough.  
  
He downed the rest of his wine and slammed the empty glass on the bar so hard that I thought it would break. He started talking in Japanese again. "Hey Mom! Dad!" he belted across the room. "They didn't know about me either!"  He pointed to the man and woman that he was just talking to, and the whole room stopped moving to look at us, even the kids.  I leaned over to get him to quiet down only to be shaken off.  
  
"You know, isn't that funny how no one knows who the fuck I am? Isn't that just fucking hilarious?"

"Noiz," I hissed.  "Sit down!  People are staring at us."  I knew this was hard for him.  I knew it was, and I felt bad for telling him to suppress his feelings, but he looked like he was about to start a fist fight.  
  
"We didn't raise you to be so disrespectful," his mother said. "Do we need to treat you like a child? You've been acting like one all night, and I'm surprised you were served alcohol." She said something else in German that sounded like an apology to the rest of his family.  
  
"Raised me?" he laughed bitterly. "Don't put yourselves on a pedestal. You didn't fucking raise me. You locked me in my room for ten years. I was four when you put me in there!" He was yelling now. "The only reason I got out was because I ran away! I scammed one of your dumb ass business guys into booking a flight to Midorijima for me, and I left! And you didn't fucking care!"

"Wilhelm -" his father started.  His face was red, and I could tell he was on the brink of yelling.  

"Oh, and my name's not Wilhelm!  It's Noiz!  And you -"

"Wilhelm!  This is why we put you in your room!"  Noiz's father was yelling now, moving closer to him.  "This kind of misbehavior!  You are making us look like terrible parents, and we most certainly are not!  You deserved to be locked up like that because you were a terrible son, and you clearly still are!"

I wanted to intervene, but something was holding me back.  It was like someone had taped my mouth shut and tied my hands behind my back, so all I could do was watch.  I looked over to Clear, who was just as petrified as I was.

"You just locked me up because you couldn't recognize the fact that you're shit!" Noiz yelled back.

Noiz's father stared at him for a moment with a furious look on his face.  He raised his hand, and I saw it coming, but I couldn't stop him from slapping Noiz across the cheek.  Noiz put his hand to his now red face and looked up at his father in shock before turning around and making his way towards the door in a surprisingly calm manner.

Clear looked at me with a worried look on his face, and I nodded and we went after him.  It was cold outside, so Clear insisted on giving me his jacket and wrapping his arm around me.  I kissed him and told him a quick thank you before scanning the dark surroundings for Noiz. 

"There he is," Clear said, pointing to a figure sitting on the curb under a street lamp.

We made our way over to him and sat on either side of him.  His knees were tucked close to his chest, and he was staring at the ground.

"Hey," Clear said, putting his hand on Noiz's shoulder.  "Are you okay?"

"No," he replied bluntly.  "I hate this.  Why did we come?  This was such a dumb idea."

"It's okay," I said.

Noiz's shoulders started to quiver, and a tear slid down his cheek, and he hid his face in his hands.  Clear slid his arm around his shoulders, and I took his hands from his face and held them in mine.

"It's okay," I repeated.  "It's gonna be okay."

"I wanna go home," Noiz whimpered. 

"We can't go home today, but we can go back to the hotel," Clear said.

Noiz nodded, and Clear looked over to me.  I nodded at him and helped Noiz up, wrapping my arm around his waist.

When we made it back to the hotel, Noiz changed and went straight for the bed, turning on the TV and crossing his arms over his chest.

"Noiz," I said.

"Hm?"  He didn't look up from the TV.

"Is there anything you wanna talk about?  I know tonight was really rough, so if you want, you can talk to us about it."

"No."

"Are you sure?" Clear asked, sitting next to him on the bed.  I joined them.

"Yeah."

I rested my head on his shoulder.  I was still worried.  Noiz always tended to close himself off when he was upset, and it always built up inside of him until he broke.  I didn't want that to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 30 chapters holy shit!!!
> 
> thank u guys so much for sticking w me this far!! i really appreciate it!!!


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